MiL has already started moaning

[Aisah]

So my MiL has taken it upon herself to freely prod and poke and touch my belly without asking me if it is okay. I am not a big fan and have told her as much on numerous occasions but now she has resorted to actually kissing my belly. I complained because it is weird (my own mum doesnt feel the need to be so handsy) but she hasnt listened so i have stopped visiting her and avoid her at all costs. Last weekend OH and i popped in to see her and she started making her approach so i took a pillow and put it in between my belly and her and told her no.

She has now complained to my OH. he understands that her kissing my belly is going to far but thinks i should compromise because she is excited and i shouldnt take her excitement away from her. Bottom line is he thinks (kissing aside) that i am being mean. She even had the gall to try and guilt OH and say wait and see how you feel when your kid does this to you.

I have already explained to MIL and to OH that when the baby kicks hard enough, i will let her feel it but i dont see why she should have free rein to cop a feel of me just because i am carrying her grandchild.

My MIL has always been overbearing but it has gone extreme because i am pregnant. I feel like if i dont stand my ground she will just walk over me.

Examples

1. She wanted to be there during my labour and when baby is born but didnt ask me, instead insisted i would want her and my mum. It wasnt my choice.

1. Apparently i wont know how to wash the baby so she is insisting she show me and be the first because she has done this for her previous 3 grand children

1. She keeps on calling the baby her own because without her my OH wouldnt have existed. I have explained i am mum but it doesnt get through so i may have rather rudely told her the last time she raised this in front of a room of guests that she can have her son back and i will keep my child because it is my child (i feel so childish writing this)

She is driving me nuts. I have minimal contact over the telephone and face to face because of this.

Am i being mean?

I dont want her to think it is okay to takeover when baby comes and i really want her to back off. There are lots of other little things as well and i feel like breaking point might come soon which will involve me telling her to back off and no doubt her turning on the waterworks and emotionally blackmailing OH.

Keep the firm boundaries now otherwise she’ll be uncontrollable when the baby arrives and you’re vulnerable.
Also I don’t like people touching my belly without my permission; when you have a baby people seem to think your body is not your own so sometimes you have to make a point

After not seeing my MiL for a while and my bump had 'popped', she made
a beeline for my tummy and was touching it all over and rubbing it everywhere and I was shocked and visibly uncomfortable, she was getting VERY close to baby's exit route and generally was a bit much, I think my body language said it all because she backed off quickly.

I have invited her to feel kicks etc on the last few times we've seen her, I know she's excited and I feel comfortable when it's on my terms.

I'm a firm believer that people just lose their minds when there's a baby involved in any situation. Boundaries disappear and you as the mother become community property almost, and it's really disgusting. I know that it's harmless in their eyes and they're just excited but at the end of the day as a pregnant woman you're already in a vulnerable space, majority are feeling confused about their new bodies and are figuring out how to be pregnant, the last thing we need is hands all over us!

One of the managers of a different department at my work randomly started rubbing my bump a few months ago and I was so shocked, that's completely inappropriate especially considering I'd spoken to her maximum three times.

People just lose it when there's a baby coming, it doesn't make it okay and I'm yet to figure out the right way of saying 'fuck off and don't touch me' 😂

Also your OH needs to grow a pair and tell his mother she is being ridiculous. Of course she shouldn't be there during the labour, who the hell thinks they're entitled to that?? Tell your OH that you'll consider MiL being there at the birth so long as he can whip his trousers off and take a massive turd in front of your family, once he's comfortable with that you'd consider it. That'll stop him in his tracks and make him tell her how it is. After all, as it's his mother he should be the one telling her to back off and respect your wishes.

She probably thinks she's being helpful by insisting she washes the baby but that
is your job, it's exciting for you to have those 'firsts' so don't let her take them away from you if you don't want to. I reckon you should get on with it and tell her 'too late, already done and everything went perfectly'

I think you already have the right mindset, you know your boundaries and if you have to get a bit 'rude' to put them into place then so be it. If MiL wasn't a bloody nut case you wouldn't need to be like that but you should never allow anyone else to make you uncomfortable and walk all over you.

You need this tee shirt!

These stories iv in laws make me so annoyed on everyone’s behalf! Where do these people get off thinking their Grandchild is their baby?! It is categorically not their child. And they should behave like a grown adult in accepting that. My mum has quite a lot of opinions on children (she is a retired HV) but to her credit has predominantly backed off & let us do things our way. She is very keen not to step on toes & give us space as a family. Which is exactly how all adults should behave!

You are not being unreasonable OP. Put your foot down, either she backs off & let’s you enjoy being parents and babies firsts alone or she gets limited contact. She has a choice, she could develop a friendly relationship with you & enjoy time with her Grandchild. Or she throws her toys out the pram & you cease contact. Good luck OP.

Does she have daughters or has she been this batshit crazy with other DiL's? Not that it's acceptable either way but wondering if you have any allies who can have a word/point out to your DH that this is only going to get worse.

DO NOT GIVE IN!

Seriously, you now have to stick by YOUR OWN rules to show her you aren't a push over- Independant on your oh.

So, well done for sorting the kissing your bump issue, keep it up! If you don't she will learn you give into pressure. In a way she sounds like she's bullying/ intimidating.

men and their mothers 🙄 mines the same.

Because mil basically looked after her first 2 grandchildren full time she expected the same with mine- I did not want to leave my baby (still don't) with her. She got a bit funny and made comments to me/ dh and I said 'it's my baby!' 😊 politely. DH felt (still feels) in the middle.

Things like mil convinced dh I shouldn't breastfeed as it's not good as I can't see how much baby is drinking (mil didn't breastfeed) and it was only when the midwife explained he told mil to back off. We argued loads as mil would tell him things I 'shouldn't be doing' (not the old fashioned way) and dh would tell me I shouldn't do things it drove me mad! I stopped visiting when baby was about 4 months old as mil and fil would always be telling me what to do then when I said something back that would cut them dead / not nasty but a end of scenario, dh would moan at me later for being nasty!!!!!
eg. Mil- 'baby's only on milk at 5 months? That's not very good, I fed mine from 3 months and it didn't do them any harm'
Me 'nhs advice is now feed at 6 months and that is what I will do'.

My dd is 2 and mil has finally backed off but says I'm an overprotective mum and dh's view of me is I'm good but overprotective! 😂 I don't care what they think. Bottom line is these are OUR babies and we choose how we want to do things. If we were harming them or they were unsafe by all means a mil (or anyone actually) should step in but your situation sounds like mine where mil feels she is going to be 'mum' again 🙄

Even when we named dd she was making comments to dh about 'she' wasn't keen on the name 😠

My mum was put in her place when I was a few weeks pregnant as a couple of times out shopping she'd say 'that's awful, who'd dress their baby in that?' To make a point I said 'i would and if you don't like baby in it you don't have to hold baby when it's wearing it' 😋 I also did say a couple of times half joking, 'this is my baby if you want a baby you need to have your own!'
Can't fault my mum now she's been fab.

There are some bloody great mil's out there and there's no question mine (as in sure yours does) loves the baby to pieces.
This is about establishing boundaries. It's hard but it can be done 😉.

*independant FROM your oh.
As in you don't need him to fight your battles

@MildDrPepperAddiction i love this t shirt. Seriously where do i buy it?

Thanks for the sympathy and the advice all. I have told my OH that his mum needs to accept the situation and as long as i am the vessel growing this baby she and everyone else has to respect my wishes and if she doesnt I will just lose it and argue with her to her face (tell her to back off). MY OH can deal with what comes next because i seriously dont care anymore. This is not a me problem, this is her problem and she needs to get over it and stop being so dramatic. I agree if i give in now she will just use it to trample over me some more later. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and not be so anxious about what she is going to do or say next so that is what i am going to do.

I find the whole concept of touching womens bumps so strange, I used to really struggle with it when I was pregnant and was a little bit passive so just used to stand uncomfortable until people stopped 😭 but you wouldn't randomly walk up to someone who isn't pregnant and start touching them, so why when they are?