How late did you leave it to tell people?

[PreggersMe]

I'm 14 weeks pg and only me and DH know. I'm quite private and don't like a lot of fuss, for example I found having a wedding quite difficult and couldnt stand how each and every conversation with people seemed to revolve around the wedding. Even though for the most part people are just being kind. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. To add to the mix, I'm not close to my Mum and she will probably have a snarky comment yo make, although my father will be pleased. And my MIL is really really over the top and obsessed with her own kids and being a grandmother (has asked us when we are having DC ever time I've seen her for the last 3 years) so I know that as soon as she finds out there'll be tears, daily texts, visits etc and no conversation or visit will be about anything else from now on. So I'm kind of bracing myself for this. Again, I don't mean to come across as unkind. The fuss is just uncomfortable to me and if truth be told I'd love it if I could just carry on throughout with no-one knowing. DH totally understands and is supportive but is wondering when we are going to tell people as he wants to tell his best friend himself.

But decisions need to be made about work and things. I need to tell my manager at a teaching job I have soon, as I need to move a date to fit around hospital appts. He's very friendly and chatty and it won't be a secret after I've told him. My good friend is employed by him also so I feel I must tell her before I speak to the manager. And as I'm telling her I feel I also need to tell the other friends that she knows....and then I think I must tell our parents because now 6 people will know...so basically it feels like I need to tell the key people very soon. I'm not planning on telling anyone outside those mentioned and a few good friends though.

How late did you leave it and did anyone else feel shy / private about it or uncomfortable about the fuss?

We told my in laws and my dad at about 8 weeks, some close friends at 8 weeks and everyone else at about 15 weeks but it's completely up to you, don't feel pressure to tell anyone you don't want or need to! I didn't even tell my sister, we're mostly estranged at this point anyway but I didn't feel comfortable telling her so I didn't! She found out through other people I assume.

I think it's lovely to keep it between you and DH for now, you're right about everything becoming about the baby once people know, but I don't mind that too much - I'd rather people be interested in the baby than me!

Whenever you do tell people, especially MiL if you're worried, establish boundaries from day 1. Say you'll update them with anything worth an update, you'll let them know when they can visit and what they can do for you etc, keep the control with you.

I think work has to be told at 25 weeks due to maternity leave.
I told very close family quite early, close friends after the 20 week scan and everyone else at about 7 months when it was obvious.

I am 22+3 and told my boss last week. I am suddenly huge and couldn’t hide it any longer. Legally you need to tell work 15 weeks before EDD.

Told my parents at 18 weeks. Lots of friends don’t know and DH still hasn’t told his family. This is a very tricky issue for us - our first daughter-in-law died last year so I don’t want lots of people asking me how things are going etc or the pressure of everyone knowing.

Like pp said, set your boundaries straight away. Tell your mil you will update her and to please not ask you every day for updates.

Very personal decision. I told my parents within a week of finding out both times. In laws around 8 weeks when we saw them. Work I’ve told at 7/8 weeks both pregnancies as I suffer with HG & am signed off for weeks! Everyone else, 12 weeks. But those are just my circumstances. I don’t have overly tricky in-laws & I'm close to my parents. I was excited to tell everyone.

I think there’s a legal date you have to tell HR at work. If you are shy etc, you can absolutely request your manager keep it to themselves as much as they realistically can (baring in mind finding cover etc). I’m a manager & I wouldn’t tell anyone unless I knew it was OK to do so.

As for friends & family, it will start to become obvious obviously so it’s probably time to consider it a little.. if you friend is a good friend, she also won’t tell anyone if you ask her not too. There’s no rule that says you must tell all friends if you tell one! Mine all found out at different times due to circumstances that arose, no-one was offended

You do you OP!

Your manager has a duty to keep it confidential. It's nothing to do with whether he's chatty. I told my head around 8 weeks for logistical reasons.

Told parents around the same time and closest friends. Everyone else after 12 scan. I generally went with if I'd want their support or not mind them knowing if I had another miscarriage then I told them before.

I told my dad at 16 weeks, and everyone else after the 20 week scan.

This is definitely time to firm up and be fully prepared to demand whatever boundaries you need to feel comfortable, because if you let people run roughshod over you during your pregnancy, it will be far, far worse when the baby arrives. If I were you, I would wait to share after 20 weeks.

Thanks for these thoughts. We live away from our families so they don't see me and therefore it won't become obvious to them iyswim. The same applies to certain friends, but then I do have a couple of friend 'dates' coming up, one at end of Jan / one in early Feb where I'm thinking I might need to say, as they'll surely guess when they see I'm not drinking my usual Merlot!

Would it be awful to tell those few close friends I can't avoid seeing in person and ask them to keep quiet, and not tell parents / in-laws till end of Feb (20 week scan)?

Would it be awful to tell those few close friends I can't avoid seeing in person and ask them to keep quiet, and not tell parents / in-laws till end of Feb (20 week scan)?

I don't think it's awful at all. No one, not even family, is entitled to know anything until you're ready. This is your pregnancy, your body, and your emotional comfort. You get to call the shots on this, nobody else.

Completely personal decision and up to you. I do agree with PP that if you’re expecting some relatives overstepping boundaries, to be quite firm from day one and be in control.

We told my parents and in laws at 6-7 weeks only because we were visiting and I had horrendous sickness. It would have been obvious but had I not had that, we agreed we would tell them at 12 weeks after the scan. We plan on telling extended family and friends after the 20 week scan. I have an overly excited family - they mean well but drive me nuts so I specifically told my mum that if she told anyone I wouldn’t tell her anything about the baby. It worked

Left it as late as possible - 24 weeks for work, friends etc as I didn't show

We found out very late (30 weeks) and there are quite a few people we haven’t told at all (currently waiting on induction in hospital...😬). It’s been quite nice not having to answer the inevitable “is baby here yet?” queries.

It’s your business, and so personal. Entirely up to you who gets to know.

Family and close friends at 14 weeks. Work colleagues at 16 weeks. Anyone else as we see or speak to them. We wanted to wait to 20 weeks but it got too complicated. DH and I enjoyed having our secret for as long as we could.

As others have said, it’s a really personal thing. Don’t feel pressured until you’re ready. I knew there would be loads of baby talk which is why I held off. I hate being centre of attention!

Told family at 19 weeks, told head of department at 15 weeks, told head teacher at 21 weeks and a small selection of friends. The rest will find out when baby arrives (currently 33 weeks). I was able to arrange appointments outside of work hours and am reasonably chubby anyway so still (with a baggy shirt) don't look obviously pregnant.
Very much up to you!

I'm telling people as and when I see them in person.

Like you I'm very private, I also have no social media etc as I really do value my personal space.

It's your body and your baby. Tell them when your good and ready and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

We're telling people early but like other pp because I am so sick already and tired and couldn't possibly hide it. We didn't tell anyone with my first pregnancy until 12 week scan 5 odd years ago, but for me it would have been more stress hiding it this time.

However I get the reticence for telling tricky family, we still haven't told my DH's father and step mum as they're a pain in the bum. So much that he's rung them to tell and they're ignoring his calls. More fool them. If you need to preserve your sanity then just tell the people who really love and care about you all.

I told work the week before Xmas, at 27ish weeks. Basically waited as long as possible.

We told family and friends sooner but must have been post 20wk scan as we knew it was a boy.

Little tip if you think family will text/nag all the way through - give them a due date that is at least two weeks after the actual date. Then they won't be harassing you around the actual due date for daily updates.

I told work the week before Xmas, at 27ish weeks

I'm pretty sure you have to inform them at week 25 for mat pay- have they accepted the Matb1 form and confirmed pay?

18 weeks - the only scheduled scan was at 18 weeks when I had mine, tricky because like most people it was getting hard to hide

We told my partners mum and stepdad at 5 weeks because my partner was burning to tell everyone so I compromised. We made them promise not to post anything social media or tell anyone else.
I knew I had to tell work ASAP as redundancy can be announced at any moment and I didn’t want to lose any maternity benefits. But I knew I’d feel bad if my mum and sister knew I’d told work before them so I also told my mum, dad, sister and Nan with promises of them not to tell.
So I then told my closest work friend, And then told my team leader and manager.
I was meant to be working away from home this month but as I am so early in my pregnancy my manager wasn’t comfortable sending me away from home. I was so happy with this as I didn’t want to be away either, but I was meant to be going with another member of my team and she started asking questions about why I wasn’t going, how she’s carrying all the work etc so my manager discussed with me about filling her in to stop any negativity. At this point I decided to tell her and another close work friend as I didn’t want her to be one of the last to know.
And that is it for now. 7 weeks pregnant and I think about 12 people know.
I too was worried about the fuss I hate it, I don’t want to be touched and I don’t want to talk about my body.
I’ve found it’s been okay so far, prob will be worse in a few months.
I am going fully public with it after my first scan mid feb.

I told best friends and family (parents, inlaws, siblings, grandparents, aunts and cousins) at 8wks.
The aunts and cousins weren't meant to find out that quick but it was xmas, and the parents and siblings were so excited and wanted to talk about it. Im also a big drinker so the fact I was sober on xmas was a dead giveaway anyway.

We are a really close family, and the way I look at it, if anything was to happen, I would definitely want their support.

Other family and friends will find out after my "12 week scan", which is actually scheduled for when im 13+3.

Work- I told my directors only at 8 weeks also, we are a really small team and if anything was to happen to me whilst im here, they need to know, plus I was sick/tired and really grumpy. Colleagues will find out also after the scan.

ive had 3 scans already along the way (2 private and 1 NHS which I was only 10.5 weeks so have to come back for another scan as I was too early for tests) and everything is how it should be so it puts my mind at ease for people knowing.

Do whats best for you, x

When you tell people is completely up to you. I just wanted to say that your manager has a duty to keep your medical information confidential - it really doesn't matter how "chatty" he is!

I told work at about 18/19 weeks I was high risk of miscarriage due to cervix issues....
told parents maybe the week before?