Don't know how much longer I can go on like this :(

[ec1993]

6w3d roughly, pregnancy number 7, 6 previous miscarriages.

I am going insane with anxiety, I'm terrified of using the toilet in case there's blood. I'm waking up at all hours.

I've booked another private scan for Friday and going alone as don't want to stress DH out about money (I'm using some Christmas money I received from my Dad so not from bills etc, January is tight!) but I know how he feels about keep paying out, he has sensible approach of "what will be will be" and I get that but can't stop these irrational feelings.

My next NHS scan is Tuesday and I just can't wait that long. I've seen babies heartbeat. Now convinced myself it would have stopped at my next one.

What is wrong with me? I hate this worry, I wish I could close my eyes and open them to be 30 weeks +

I'm so bitter that my previous bad experiences have taken the excitement and happiness away from me, I'm a good person, DH is a good person, we've been together for 13 years since we were teenagers. I just want this one to work out for us so badly 😢

Sorry to rant just need to get it off my chest, I know if I lose this one it's game over for me I couldn't put myself through this again.

I don't know what to tell you really other than to say it is really hard. The only way I got through those first 12 weeks after my MCs was to simply pretend to myself that I wasn't pregnant and tried to do everything as normal (other than drinking alcohol). It was easy for me as I don't get any pregnancy symptoms. I think by refusing to mentally engage with it and think of it as a baby, i protected myself from getting too attached. I basically used the 12 week scan as my pregnancy test.

It might not work for everyone but it did help me. I hope it works out for you

Thank you @CalamityJune I try so hard not to attach each time I fall but I can't help it, we've been trying since we got married in 2014 and we dream of having our own little baby to love and raise. I almost cannot forget I'm pregnant, it's constantly there on my mind and I am symptom free too apart from using the toilet more but I think that's down to me drinking more and also sciatic pain in my right bum cheek which I've read can be common in early pregnancy and last until late pregnancy. Apparently the lack of symptoms for me is due to taking steroids throughout pregnancy, I'm also struggling with the daily injections and it's all getting on top of me.

However, I of course would do anything if it meant keeping this baby healthy and growing so I know I need to be thankful too.

Just very hard, thank you for replying xx

Aww I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time @ec1993 I'm kind of taking a more relaxed but similar approach to @CalamityJune and trying to not get excited or attached, I have a scan next week at appx 12 weeks as my dates are uncertain and I'm petrified of how I'll feel after it as if all is well at the scan I'll be in love all over again and scared it's not going to work out! I'm constantly knicker checking atm! X

Ps have you had any counselling for it? It sounds like it's PTSD! Which wouldn't be surprising you've been through so much x

@BabyB19 I've never had counselling for the losses but had therapy when I was about 18 due to my horrific childhood with my parents until my Grandparents adopted me.

I lost my lovely Gramps, wonderful Nanna and 6 pregnancies all in the space of 4 years. All sudden and grandparents were only in their 60s. They were my parents in my eyes and my best friends. I miss them every day, it all just seems too much to bare but I'm really hoping this is the baby my Nanna promised me when she lay dying she said "I'll get you that baby" and that was the last thing she ever said to me. That's the only thing keeping me strong at the moment xx

@BabyB19 good luck with your scan and keep me updated! 💕

I think you should really consider getting some professional help for this, I've been through it once and it's the worst thing ever so I can only imagine how much pain you have encountered through all of this. There is no shame in asking for help and if it makes this process a little easier for you it's worth at least asking ❤️ @ec1993 thank you I'll keep you posted xxx