Hi Mumsnet!
I am pretty new around here but I wanted to start off with a post regarding my unusual and slightly insane situation for anyone who might care. This might sound like a badly written episode of Skins - In some ways I really wish it was and it's also probably going to be just as long as an episode (and I don't blame ANYONE for not wanting to read this ridiculous body of text) - but this is my crazy story and I'm hoping to speak to people that have good advice... Or just people in general to be perfectly candid, at this moment in time I'm pretty lonely and extremely stressed out.
Back in July I started to become really unwell quite regularly and my periods stopped. I took a trip to the doctors after two missed periods and a couple of negative tests and was told not to worry too much - I'm 20 years old and have a history of difficult periods and horrible symptoms so was just told it was most likely hormones and they could stop for up to 6 months. I took a few more tests to be sure (I took a total of 7 leading up until the beginning of September) and then decided to actually listen to the doctors and stop stressing so much. December rolls around, some spotting has happened a small handful of times in this time frame but no full periods, but I notice a hard lump in my stomach. I tell my partner this and we decide that, just to be safe, we'll grab a test. Of course this time the strongest little pink line appears and we have the diagnosis - I am pregnant.
We decide that for us at that moment that it didn't make sense to have a baby, more for money reasons than anything else. We arranged a trip to the clinic to discuss options for a termination as soon as we could as we also had no idea how far along I would be at that point. I was scanned and told that I had suffered a cryptic pregnancy and was already 20 weeks along - just under the gestation to go through with a termination but with a procedure that would now have to stretch out over two days - the first day being prep where they insert three expanding rods into your cervix and the second where the actual termination takes place. I book for the first day and go into the clinic where all is well. I am prepped and warned that the first half of the procedure is a little uncomfortable for a while and it'll feel like period cramps for a while. The rods are inserted and straight away I know something feels a little off as the pain I'm in is already more than described. I'm taken into recovery and signed out by two nurses, both of whom I told that the pain was bad. They popped me home with some ibuprofen and the first half of the abortion pill and told me that it would pass.
In the car on the way home is where I knew something was really wrong. The pain was so bad I was sick and was getting worse by the minute. I was in tears, screaming, completely white and sweating buckets of cold sweat. The pain moved from my stomach around to my back and I made the decision to call the emergency line that the clinic had given me. Once they had heard my situation and symptoms they told me they thought that I had probably gone into labour and to get to a hospital as soon as possible. This sort of thing going wrong is extremely rare so when I went to the hospital they didn't really have an idea what to do. I was given gas and air and they cleared the delivery room that they use to bring rainbow babies into the world. I was prepared for a 20 week birth/miscarriage... but after a few hours there was no more signs of labour except for the horrific pain. Surgeons all discussed amongst themselves and with myself and told me they weren't sure what they could do as they couldn't carry out the termination and if the rods were removed I would almost instantly miscarry. I reassured them that nature should take its course and to remove the rods. They were removed... But no miscarriage. A night passes.... and no miscarriage. By the morning all the maternity staff are in awe and they're sending me home with my notes and lots of appointments... this little fighter baby is still alive!
After the shock had set in and lots of discussion my partner and I decide that, although the situation is far from ideal, we aren't strong enough to be able to put the child up for adoption straight away. We decide to treat this in the exciting manner pregnancy should be treated and slowly get excited ourselves about the whole situation. We agree that if the baby is born and in any way we are bad parents or cannot provide that life with every little thing that it needs then we will look into give them away. We now have a due date, we have a gender, we have a name picked out... and although the risks are still high after everything that happened and although I am extremely traumatised (something that I'm getting help for through the incredible health service that we have in this country) I am now 24 weeks + 3 days and baby is extremely healthy according to midwives.
I had been living with my partner and his parents for the last 9 months or so at this time. My family and home life is extremely unhealthy for a number of reasons I'm still not 100% confident in confessing quite yet so whenever I return it usually lasts around a month before I pack up and leave again for my own safety. When I was 18 I moved out as soon as I could to three hours away from my home town and stayed away for a year before moving back. The move back at 19 lasted a month before things got horrible again and I had to quit my job and move in with my partner and his parents. Upon moving I knew this would not be a long term option, although very lucky to be in taken in by his family this would never be a place I could call home. Now with a due date set at April 26th 2020 the clock is really ticking because there is no way I'd be able to bring a baby back here... so that's my crazy, totally ridiculous story and here are the questions I have to get some advice from some of the wonderfully strong mums that I know are on this site.
1.) Has anyone else had to gain help with housing during their pregnancy? I've already filled out a homeless application for the council I am currently based in and am hoping to hear back from them today about the avenues I can take in this very sticky situation. I come from a homeless background as a child anyway so I am aware of how difficult the system can be but I'd love to get some advice on other people's experience and other things I can look in to that can help me as much as possible right now.
2.) I'm obviously on a very tight budget and I know how expensive babies can be, I'm a huge fan of the eco friendly and reduce, reuse, recycle ways of life but I would love to hear some from other extremely savvy mums about how they prepared (I'm a bargain hunter at the best of times and get a rush out of getting things on the cheap so even if I had a million sat in the bank I think I'd still be going down this route anyway!) The more unusual the tips the better. I'm spending hours a day doing my research and browsing Facebook marketplace constantly but it's very hard to start buying when you're not sure where you're going to be living.
3.) Where do I start looking at what benefits I can claim or what other help there is out there for people in my situation? At the time of finding out I was 20 weeks pregnant I was doing agency work and after my stint in and out of hospital and confiding in them about what was going on they have stopped contacting me about work which currently leaves me very unemployed and 99.9% guaranteed to not get employed (even though I'm a tiny 24 weeks, I'm soon gonna be a little mum whale and no employer wants to hire someone for a couple of months before they take maternity leave and also has to attend tons of therapy too to deal with the trauma of what happened.) Will the council that are helping with my housing situation offer me support and advice on how to start claiming benefits? I've never claimed before in my life and have worked since I was 16 so this is all really alien to me and I'm working really hard to find out if there's any other avenues out there that might be able to offer me some additional support.
4.) Is there any helpful lists online about the essentials you need that helped you in your pregnancy? Ideally I'm looking for a list with rough numbers of how much of everything you need roughly, I know each baby is different but to make sure I cut back on over buying things I'd love a rough guide of how many of something I need as a good starting point.
5.) I mentioned how painfully lonely I am at the moment, I know almost nobody in the place that I live and I don't have support from family after making the decision to finally cut them completely from my life (for my childs safety and my own). I don't really have any support network or any outside help at all even emotionally and a lot of my existing friend groups are men (being in a rowdy punk scene it's kind of expected but they're much more useful for drinking beer with than baby talk) - any advice on meeting some badass, lovely friends now I'm pregnant and I'm a soon to be mumma at 20.
If you've read all of this rambling then know you're a complete saint. I haven't been able to speak about this properly in my actual life and almost nobody knows the details of the ordeal I went through and am currently going through so until I get the confidence to speak out it's lovely to get this off my chest. I really hope I hear from some of you, thank you!