Loosing part of me...

[TooSelfish]

Children were not in my game plan. I always told my husband let's not and just travel and do everything we want to do. He agreed too. Well, we made a whoops, and after I was already past the first trimester and found bump forming in my lower abdomen I realized what had happened... I cried... I couldn't control myself and looked up ways to have a miscarriage... I was horrible. I wouldn't go through an abortion, but I didn't want this... I was in the best shape of my life, up for a promotion at the gym I worked at, and had lots of fitness goals, dream vacations, and things planned... all to watch is go it would seem. My husband was so excited! He secretly wanted to be a father and went with what I said just because... I had no one to turn to. Now, my promotion is on hold, I still instruct and workout, but it's getting hard... I'm expanding and hate it.. I'm 28 weeks now.. The final stretch. At 24 weeks I ran a half marathon obstacle race when everyone said I couldn't, and I was asked to run a full marathon race 1.5 months after my due date, "if I feel up for it." several people commented on this public post saying I should just watch, and no way I can do that, and why would I want to leave my son for that long of time to run this race, and what an insane thing to ask her to do, she will never be ready and prepared for that... I hate that these people might be right... I'm not who I was because I have this small human forming in me that keeps me from training, pushing my limits, lifting like I used to, running like I used to, being in shape and strong... And now even after I give birth, it hit me, it won't end in 12 weeks... You'll still be unable to be you and will have to start all over and it will be harder and take longer and all because now it can't be all about you... I'm 100% not ready for that. I try to talk to the little one in me, I want to love it now, I want to be happy, but find myself asking it to stop kicking, and stop ruining my workout. I'm 100% selfish, mad, and crushed. I don't want to be, I want to love it, be happy and be okay with my body shape and condition... I need help, or to at least know I'm not the only one struggling with this. I cry all the time, wish things were different... I want to stop crying...

I'm not sure how much help I can be as I'm yet to have my baby so can't tell you how it really is but one of my closest friends was in a similar boat, she did not want to lose sense of herself and her loves. She had her baby 4 months ago and I can honestly say she is the same woman, a bada$$, strong, work hard - play hard woman who just happens to be a mother. She loves her baby more than anything in the world but she wasted no time in making sure she kept true to herself, she was back at the gym training hard as soon as she could so I honestly believe if you work at it you can make yourself a priority, it doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad person, you weren't put on this earth to 'just' be a mother, it's just going to be a little bonus for you.

It sounds as though you're really struggling, it could be perinatal depression so please talk to your doctor or midwife as soon as possible and they can help you. This doesn't have to be the end of your life, look after yourself x

I think the fact that your so upset with yourself that you feel this way towards your baby is a good sign and I agree with above that you need to seek help.
You've decided to keep the baby so there must be some part of you that wants it

You don’t have to lose who you are or your interests. Rather, you have to find new ways to juggle them & you will find your priorities change. But when they do, you’ll understand why.

I’m nowhere near as crazy exercisey as you are but I do enjoy keeping fit & keenly lifted weights before my first. I happened to get Hyperemesis in pregnancy & that forced me to basically stop living let alone exercising. I was too ill to care. Once my daughter was here, my focus in life shifted. She became my priority but I also refused to stop being me. It just took a while to figure out how. My partner & I balance being parents as a team and that’s the biggest thing. He gives me time to do me & I do the same for him. Once I’d recovered from birth, I started exercising again but not to look a certain way. Rather to be strong & healthy & set a good example to my daughter. I want her to see me working out but also eating pizza. I want her to see I value exercise and a healthy lifestyle but not above spending time with her or having a fun day out instead!

If you are on Instagram - have a look at Gemma Atkinson. I think she’s great. A real role model. Fitness fanatic but keeps it real & got a 6 month old.

Speak to your doctor OP. It sounds like you could really do with some support.

Plenty of international athletes have come back after having a baby. Some of had the best performances of their lives after becoming a Mum. It just takes time.

You sound like you're panicking. Pregnancy's scary because you lose control of your body. You can't do what you used to be able to do. You puff going up the stairs. You catch sight of yourself in a shop window and don't recognise yourself.

You almost have to surrender to it. Keep active, keep training as much as you feel comfortable with, but accept your body is doing a different job at the moment. You are still you, you are just having to lie dormant for a while.

Once the baby has arrived, you need a sensible plan for getting back to full strength. And be patient. Don't go all guns blazing as you'll get injured. Read some of the stuff Jessica Ennis has written about how her body changed and she had to focus on different areas. And you don't have to breastfeed if you don't want to, it's your decision. Formula is fine if that's what you want.

Plenty of sportspeople have managed to keep going after having a baby. You can too. Don't worry. And definitely speak to your midwife about how you are feeling.

Lastly, what happened re your promotion? They can't withdraw it because you are pregnant, that's illegal.

I think you should be talking to people IRL. You need real help to get the support in your life you need.
I hope you seek this out. Try speaking to your midwife or doctor.. it is a big change. You will never be the same person again. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. You need help with this. Good luck.

I agree with others, go and see the doctor and get some support.

On another note, you really can be yourself, I’m A Mum to 4, go to the gym, a running club, volunteer for 10 hours a week, work 30 hours a week, play netball and I’m in the PTA and still spend time with my children playing, sitting with them to do their homework, read to them, bake with them, go to the park, their school productions, laugh with them and enjoy them. People ask how I do it but I just naturally like to be busy. Children don’t take away your identity, they add to it :) I think it’s unfair of people to judge you. If you feel up to running a marathon after the birth, do it. It’s entirely your choice and doesn’t matter what others think. Be kind to your self. Having a child will change your life but it doesn’t have to change you xx

hi! Im in the same boat as you although the pregnancy was wanted. I just didnt realise so the impact it would have on my body (stupidly - I just didnt consider it at all).

I WAS a competitive weightlifter, I WAS a knocking on the door of national champs. All that has gone now, or at least put on hold. Ive continued to train throughout my pregnancy, albeit a different programme (I cant snatch and clean/jerk anymore). My programme is now accessory work and functional fitness (yuk). At least my squats gotten better technically, right?!

People tell me I shouldnt lift weights whilst pregnant (im 29 weeks) which is just bollocks. You do what is right for you, and only you can judge. Ive just ordered 2 kettlebells so I can carry on doing stuff when im a bit more homebound. Theres ways around it. If we knew each other IRL id totally invite you over so we could do kettlebell work outs in the garden together!

Please go and see a Dr if you feel you need too though.

All the best x

Another weight trainer here and fiercely in dependant women with a good career I worked hard to get. A few things I have decided which I hope will allow me to retain a sense of myself. I plan to mix feed breast (if I can as I had implants and a lift a whole ago through my nipples so my milk ducts may be effected) and bottle or switch to bottles only with or without expressed milk. I do not want to be the only person who can feed my child 24/7. I do not want to have to take the baby with me every where I go because of feeding. I want my husband to look after the baby by himself whenever necessary so he learns what to do without my constant direction.

I will be going back to work after a max of 6 months since I don't want to stay at home.

I would speak to your husband and see what his vision of fatherhood is like. Is he a "no nappies for me" kind of bloke or is he a. "cant wait to get stuck in" kind of bloke.

Also speak about your expectations for free time. My husband and I both train as a hobby and we have discussed how that will inevitably change when we have the baby but for both of us not just for me. We have also discussed that there is a pre planned 4 day trip I want to go on with the female members of my family 2 months after the baby is here and he is 100% supportive with me going.

You don't have to drop your entire identity in order to be a mother especially your fitness. I follow a lady on Instagram called Rebeccalovesfitness and she is 9 months post partum and back to lifting hwavy in the gym, shetrained right up to 2 weeks pre birth if I remember correctly and started back training in some form when she stopped bleeding post partum. She has her 6 pack back now and is happy as a clam.