DH no support. 32 weeks and very anxious.

[Lou0808]

DH and I have been together 12 years.
They say no relationship is perfect but it my eyes, ours was.
He’s always been such an amazing husband I couldn’t ask for better.
However during pregnancy I’ve never felt more alone.

I’ve always been an anxious person, and pregnancy seems to have made me even more anxious.

The main thing I worry about A LOT, Is movement.
I really struggle with the term reduced movements and I can’t get my head around what I should class as reduced.

I’m 32 weeks with our first baby and she’s never developed a pattern.
Some days she’s active, others she’s quiet.
I have anterior placenta and I know this can mask some movements, but the lack of pattern really does make it harder to recognise if she’s moving less than usual.

Yesterday I didn’t feel her kick most of the day. I felt turns and rolls but no kicks.
I spent most of the day close to tears with anxiety.

I talked to DH and I got responses like “it’s your anxiety” “you’re overthinking”

It didn’t make me feel any better, and so I thought I’d call the hospital for advice.
They told me to come in for monitoring as in their words they’d rather see me than not.

I spent a few hours on the monitors (on twice) passed both times.
The whole time DH sat there looking at his phone, making me feel like absolute shit for my decision to come to the hospital.
It’s nothing he says, but the fact that I could tell he didn’t want to be there just made me feel so bad about myself.

The hospital were happy for me to leave but arranged for me to come back this morning for a Doppler scan.
DH didn’t come. He said “there’s no point” everything is fine.

So I came alone, and thankfully everything is fine.

In still feel very anxious, I’m struggling to shake the feeling that something is wrong or something bad is going to happen.

I just feel so unsupported by my husband.
I didn’t get a hug, a hand hold, a kiss, any kind of reassurance.
Instead he just made me feel like I was making fuss and over reacting.

I feel so incredibly angry with him today and I’m honestly starting to resent him for how lonely he’s making me feel.

I’ve tried telling him and all he said is “I don’t know what else I can do, your anxious about everything”

He doesn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t just anxious over nothing, her movements were really worrying me.

I have 8 weeks left and I don’t think I can cope feeling this way.

My midwife is aware of my anxiety and has said she can refer me to the mental health team, but I really worry that will leave some sort of black mark against my name and I’ll be marked down as some sort of unfit mum.

I’m struggling so much.

Even after the scan today I still feel worried.

I’m lonely and I feel like I can’t tell anyone how I feel. 😔😔

Men don't understand how hard pregnancy is on our minds/bodies etc . I doubt he is being unsupportive on purpose and probally does just think your over reacting or being overly anxious.

The fact you have been seen too should reasuure you and I think you should be referred because its going to be a long stressful 8 weeks for you if you are feeling the way you are now. It won't leave a black mark against your name at all and they won't think your an unfit mum.. They will realise you are like thousands of other women who worry over pregnancy and need reassurance and some help. It isn't uncommon.

Hi Lou

I have an anterior placenta and I have the same issue sometimes regular and other times not. I've been In and out of triage numerous times being checked out in case something was wrong with my bf just telling me it's fine and not being supportive. If you are unsure just drink some fizzy drink and that should get him/her moving :) as for your husband he doesn't understand what you are going through it's so hard to explain how it makes u feel but hang in there x there's not long to go xxx

Oh bless you, it really sounds like your anxiety is getting on top of you. Pretty shitty of your husband to not try & support you though..

I’m not an overly anxious person but my first daughter was similar in that I could never identify a regular pattern. She was also a quiet baby, not a huge mover either. I had a few trips for monitoring. Always better to be safe! So don’t feel silly at all.

I think you need some support for your anxiety as I hate to say, once baby is here there is even more to worry over! Parenthood is full of worries, so it’s def worth trying to get some support & coping strategies now! You absolutely won’t be marked as an unfit mum for being anxious about your babies wellbeing! In fact, midwives & HV would rather see you getting help & being a happy, healthy mummy than struggling on.

I do think there are some positive steps to try & take to help you get through the next few weeks.. start fully recording movements. Any movement. Some days my DD just rolled or wriggled & didn’t kick much but the midwives reassured me that was still movement & normal for her! So start noting it down and you will probably see a vague pattern of what’s normal for your baby.

Don’t take your husband to the monitoring. I rarely took mine. It’s admittedly pretty boring for them. I just used to take my phone & an audiobook or podcast to keep me entertained. Obviously, I expected him to be available should they find anything concerning! And I certainly expected him to be supportive of my concerns. It sounds like he’s struggling to understand your anxiety & getting frustrated. Which isn’t very kind of him. Show him the message you’ve posted & how sad it’s making you feel. Do you have other family OP? Can you have a cry to your mum or sister or best friend? Someone who’ll listen & give you a big hug?!

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’d advise taking the support you are being offered and perhaps ask if you can have a regular appointment purely for monitoring just for your peace of mind.

I’m coming at this from a different angle, but that’s because I’m one of the statistics who has gone to hospital in my third trimester with reduced movements and not come home with a baby. My DH also thought I was overreacting about going in, but I was worried and wanted to be checked out although I didn’t rush in. How we both regret everything about that time now and my DH completely supported me going to hospital for every concern possible in my subsequent pregnancy.

There is a reason why hospitals will always see you for reduced movements (although you really should be looking at a change to normal movement, because too much movement can also be worthy of being checked over in the same way reduced movement can) and that’s because it’s so important. If your newborn baby wasn’t moving, you would go to hospital and it’s exactly the same in your pregnancy. Perhaps taking your DH to a meeting with your midwife to explain the genuine risks might give him a bit of a wake up and understand the importance.

Take the support of the mental health team. I have anxiety so I've got a lot of sympathy but (with kindness) it's not your husbands job to make that better. Because it actually won't, it will make it worse. Anxiety gets worse if you get others to comfort you about it, it sounds like everything is ok but you're still worrying - what can he do that would actually make it better? It's not fair that you expect him to fix it but when you've been offered professional help that could really make a difference you've turned that down.

Again, I have pretty bad anxiety, I do get it. I was terrified my whole pregnancy and im a fearful parent now but you have to help yourself too.

@partysong I don’t expect DH to fix my anxiety. I understand that’s not his “job”.

I just expect him to be a little more understanding of how I feel, the worry I felt over our babies movement instead of just telling me “your overthinking, you’re anxious” which doesn’t help me.

I am anxious and I do overthink, but I need support and someone to just give me a hug and tell me they understand. Not try and tell me that I’m just being anxious. That to me feels like no support. 😔

Also I haven’t turned down professional help. My midwife told me about a referral she can make and she gave me a leaflet to read through.

You need to take up that referral. He sounds like he’s frustrated. Yes he should hug you etc but you’re not actually asking for that. You’re going round in circles with the anxiety and he can’t understand that.

Just wanted to say seeing the mental health maternity team does not leave any kind of black mark against you. I saw someone after I had DD1 as I had PSTD symptoms and again saw someone in the run up to the birth of DD2. It really helped and they were nothing but kind and supportive. My HV was informed with my consent so they could offer me additional support if needed.

I’m struggling a bit with this too, anterior placenta, 24+5 so don’t think I’m expected to have a regular pattern yet, my issue is I have MS and muscle spasms that also feel a bit like soft kicking, so unless I feel very definate kicks, it could be a spasm. Got midwife on Monday and going to mention it again as as movements have became more regular over Xmas I have noticed the spasm issue more...I thought after 12 weeks and then after 20 weeks I might get a bit more relaxed but if anything I feel more on edge!

It can be really hard to support someone who suffers from anxiety. In his own way, maybe your DH through that explaining that it was your anxiety talking, or that you were overthinking, was helpful? It can be unbelievably hard as an anxious person to differentiate in your own mind between what's a genuine concern and what's the anxiety getting a grip of you, so to expect someone else to understand from the outside is a pretty big ask. I'd absolutely take your midwife up on the support you've been offered though; it's there for a reason, to make sure you're coping and that you're as prepared mentally as you can be for the challenge ahead, as much as the here and now. No one is going to judge you for it, or assume you'll be a bad mother

Get referred to the mental health team, they will help massively and it is not a black mark. It is seen as a positive step for you to take.
The anxiety at this stage can seem insurmountable but with support you can make it.
Your DP is being a twat and needs to be firmly told the phrases you need to hear and being dismissive doesn't help.
My husband is now used to me going ' I know I'm being ridiculous but please remind me that I am ok!' and he does .
I have bipolar and bpd, and have learnt to be more honest and open as this has been of more benefit than hiding for fear of judgement.

@rottiemum88

“It can be unbelievably hard as an anxious person to differentiate in your own mind between what's a genuine concern and what's the anxiety getting a grip of you”

This sums up exactly how I feel!!!!

Hi Lou,

My baby does not have a particular pattern with the movements either and struggled with whether I was having reduced movements a lot. I bought a bracelet from the kicks count charity - you move the bead round when you feel an episode of movement. This really helped me as after a few days I got an idea of how many times the baby moves in a day. It's worth trying and may ease your anxiety a little bit.

Hi OP
I also just wanted to say I have an anterior placenta and a routine is really hard to establish. I’m usually very laid back and the fact that they really impress the importance of reduced movements makes me anxious so I cannot even imagine how it must make you feel!

I have also been a couple of times for monitoring but luckily my DH is very supportive but I can imagine he may not be as concerned if I was a generally anxious person. This must be so frustrating for you, I do hope you speak with the MH team as it would be awful for this to bleed into your time post pregnancy and I hope someone can give you a real life cuddle

Oh OP, I completely understand. I have always suffered with anxiety and it's just so horrible. Pregnancy hormones really do make a difference as well; if you're already on high alert when it's just your own life to consider, it's obviously going to be a million times worse when you've got the life of your unborn child to think about as well.
My DH is wonderful in nearly every respect but I've always found that my (usually unfounded) fears are dismissed as "just my
anxiety". This doesn't really make it any better! It's almost as though the fact that "it's just anxiety" should be comfort in itself, but it's not. A sympathetic ear, a handhold, even just a "I understand how afraid you are but honestly, theres nothing to worry about" would make all the difference.
Re: movement, I note that you say you can feel rolls but no kicks; that's probably just normal for you and your babys position. I've had 3 babies and only felt kicks with my 2nd. The other 2 would just have a little wriggle now and again and that would be it. As long as there's some movement, that's the main thing.
No real advice apart from that, just know that there are definitely people who understand how you feel and you wont have any black mark against your name for seeking help x

I feel exactly the same I'm 33 weeks tomorrow and I cannot wait for her to be here so I can not worry about her movements anymore. It doesnt help I've had someone I know recently lose a baby at 20 weeks and I'm freaking out inside. I've told my midwife and all she said was well hopefully everything will be ok!!! That made it 100 times worse! My husband doesnt understand about reduced movements and I've told him to read up about it but he won't! I'm praying everything will be ok

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate the replies 💕

@Lou2120 it’s so hard isn’t it.
I see or hear scary stories online, and i become so worried about those things happening. Anxiety is awful.
We just care so much about our little ones we want them to be safe.

You're definitely not alone op. I have an anterior placentor I'm 29 weeks and no real pattern and after prior mc at 16 weeks I've been obsessed this full pregnancy but men don't understand fully at all. I was hooked up NYE with reduced movement my dh came but could tell he wasn't happy. Don't worry it's always better to be safe than sorry. Not long now until you know baby is safe in your arms x

Take up the referral for mental health support.

There are so many things you could tie yourself in knots about as a parent, if you go in to it with mental health support it can only be a good thing. Don't worry about "black marks", even actually abusive parents don't automatically have their children taken away these days so getting some positive mental health support definitely won't be an issue!

Have you sat him down and explained to him what you've said here: how his lack of support makes you feel; that you're not looking for him to fix anything but you want his comfort; etc?

I used the "kicks count" app (it's free) and it really really put my mind at rest... you should have a look OP. It was developed by midwives for exactly the problem you're describing - well, the one with the anxiety, no app can help with a frustrating husband 😂

@lou0808 I agree its because how much we care. I'm finding I'm trying to take each day at a time which feels painful in all honesty. I'm literally going out of my mind each day with worry that I'll lose this baby. I was never like this with my 2 previous pregnancies. Hopefully the last few weeks go quickly for us x