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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid dilemma

12 replies

Williams3001 · 03/01/2020 14:04

Hey, so I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid for a really close friend (agreed to it almost a year ago – she was one of my bridesmaids, too, a few months ago) but my estimated due date is only four days before her wedding! I'm currently 7+4; we've told only our parents, and we want to wait for the 12-week scan before telling other family and close friends, but she's started asking about the bridesmaid dresses.

I don't want to risk telling her that I can't be a bridesmaid anymore, which would really upset and disappoint her, in case something goes wrong before my scan. But I don't want to just, IDK... ignore her or something for a month, or let her buy a dress I won't be able to use. What should I do? Please help!

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Umberta · 03/01/2020 14:13

If it was me, I'd tell her... a good friend would understand! I had a bridesmaid in a similar position so we got her a maternity bridesmaid dress and just fingers crossed she could come... in the end she was over a month early with twins and she came with them!! Yayyyy

Umberta · 03/01/2020 14:14

...but then I like to think I was a pretty chilled bride

LH1987 · 03/01/2020 14:27

Tell her, she will be happy for you. However, planning a wedding is really stressful and it would be helpful to give maximum time to prepare. At least she can put off buying a dress for 1 month :)

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/01/2020 14:32

Yeah I'd tell her so she has time to make changes. My bridesmaid did this for her 3rd child - due date was the DAY OF my wedding - I wouldn't have minded her being heavily pregnant at the wedding or bringing a newborn but I was pretty pissed she couldn't hold off trying for a month! (She's always fell pregnant quickly - within 1/2 months of trying - obviously I'd have felt completely differently if she had been experiencing infertility etc!)

Perid0t · 03/01/2020 14:34

I’d tell her. You’d want her support if you lost the baby, especially around your EDD.

Perid0t · 03/01/2020 14:35

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted very selfish of you to expect someone to plan their children around you. I am lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly and have planned my pregnancies to when I’d like my child to be born, NOT around other people’s lives.

Original poster

Williams3001 · 03/01/2020 14:37

Thanks. She's a pretty chill person but is controlling every single detail of the wedding (she is staying at the venue and will sign everything off beforehand on the day rather than her fiancé), so I don't know how she'll take it. She did know we were planning to start trying after the wedding, but not exactly when. And she'd asked a couple of times how soon after it would be (obviously wanting us to not start trying when there was a risk of me being due around the wedding).

I had considered waiting, but my mum had lots of problems conceiving when she was my age (though she'd already had two by then) and with only 10% of people conceiving in the first month (), the fact I'm a massive pessimist and was convinced it would take us at least a year, and DH pointing out that we shouldn't put our life on hold, we just started trying when we were ready. Didn't quite expect it to work first time!

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Umberta · 03/01/2020 15:36

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted that's not just selfish, it just doesn't make any sense. You don't have to have "fertility problems"... no one can plan when they conceive!! Even if both parents are totally healthy it's still only 20% chance on any given cycle. If she were to wait a month for your wedding, oh then I've got this work project due, might as well wait till Christmas, etc, she'd never get pregnant!
I'm so glad that pregnancy is a protected characteristic at work because some people still just don't get it. You can plan when you get pregnant. You can choose not to have a baby, but if you want one, you have very very little control about when you have it!

Umberta · 03/01/2020 15:37

*You CAN'T plan when you get pregnant! Lol unhelpful autocorrect

Umberta · 03/01/2020 15:40

OP, your DH is so right. Never put your life on hold and especially not fir something as trivial as a friend's wedding ...! I heard someone say on another thread, some people get so self absorbed while planning their wedding and as soon as it's over they realise it was just one day but they have to live with the consequences of being selfish to people. (Not that your friend is being like that. Just, it's a good thing to remember. It's just a day!)

Engard · 03/01/2020 15:43

Think you're gonna have to grit your teeth and tell her. I was a bridesmaid just 3 weeks after my daughter was born and it was horrendous. My dress barely fit, I had to strip off to breastfeed, I was still bleeding eurgh
And I felt awful getting a gift from the bride and groom knowing I hadn't been able to contribute to the wedding prep. It was not a magical time.

Original poster

Williams3001 · 03/01/2020 15:47

Thanks guys – you've been so helpful! Even if she does get upset, I just have to hope that she'll realise after a while what really matters. But it could all be fine, of course. I'm going to tell her and give her some time to process; the wedding is about 7 months away so enough time for her the change plans.

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