Antisocial in third trimester? Pressure to see family

[brightside11]

So today I've been in tears as I feel exhausted from pregnancy insomnia and Braxton Hicks and I just want to be left alone to rest. I'm 29 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling pressure to see my in-laws again as they have invited themselves over later today. We just saw them for lunch the day before yesterday and we spent Christmas with them too. My husband is not happy at my suggestion he see them without me this afternoon and I feel like no matter how much we see them it's never enough.

We see our in-laws fairly regularly (dinner at theirs every other week and teas/coffees with them in between). They also "pop in" fairly regularly to drop off/borrow things as they live locally. My MIL has told me that she wishes she saw more of my husband. I never stop him from going to see them but I feel like we see enough of them. If they want to spend more time together then I'd prefer he visit them in between our normal visits without me. But generally unless I go with him he doesn't want to go.

I feel like this is getting to me way more than it normally would. They are nice people so perhaps this is just me being anti social or weird? I experience these feelings when I'm not pregnant but it's worse at the moment.

I feel frustrated as I never impose my family on my husband or object if he goes out/spends time in another room when my family come over. It's like there's a double standard in our relationship when it comes to me seeing his family though. I make much more effort yet it's still never enough and somehow I'm responsible for everyone else's relationships!

Sometimes I just feel like hiding away. I could be a bit depressed but not much more that can be done for it as I'm already on an SSRI and see a counsellor each week.

You are not anti-social or weird!! It sounds like you are already seeing them plenty. Everyone needs some alone time, that's completely normal and you don't need to label yourself to explain that!

@Umberta Thank you for saying that. X

I’m 31 weeks and finding that I need far more time to myself than usual. I’ve found Christmas quite a strain as we’ve been seeing so much of both sides of the family

Why doesn't your DH want to go see his mum unless you go too?

I'm 31 weeks and am in desperate need of a break from my family (who generally I get on very well with!) having spent from Christmas day until the 30th with and now from today until the 4th I think it's just tiredness leading to less patience for me

I'd get fed up of seeing them that much even if I wasn't pregnant! There's no reason your 'D'H can't see his own family without you, he should be more understanding about how tired you are and that you need to rest, nothing antisocial about that!

If it were me, I probably wouldn't say anything until the day itself, then just tell him you're tired and he'll have to go on his own. And I wouldn't feel bad about it. You shouldn't have to go all the time if you don't want to, plus everyone needs time on their own.

I'm 34+6 and found all the Xmas visiting and socialising very draining this year. On paper, it didn't even look like that much but I've found it hard. YANBU.

Sounds like you do need to sort out the double standards in behaviour between how you both treat the family too.

Im 31 weeks and feel the same. I think you've spent a lot of time with them recently and agree with a pp about not saying anything until the day of. Not sure why he can't see his family on his own

Thanks for the supportive and helpful replies! DH did see them without me yesterday and I told him how I felt about the double standard when it comes to our families and what's expected. He said that he hadn't thought about it before but agreed that he does have higher expectations of me than I do for him and than I am more understanding if he doesn't want to see my family. He said he is going to work on that and that he wants me to be happy and do what's right for me.

Regarding him not generally wanting to see them without me, I think it's because he has spent more time with them since we've been together. His mum says that he was more antisocial with family stuff in his early twenties but once I was on the scene we had lots of meals together, holidays together etc and I think he feels more comfortable when I am there. As much as I see myself as antisocial I am generally quite confident and enjoy talking to people at family meals etc so I think maybe he depends on me a little for that sometimes.

The time to learn how to enforce your boundaries is now, before the baby comes. You are not some prop to be dragged about in order to make everyone else happy. Tell your husband you don't want company, you will not be going anywhere, and this pop-in nonsense is to stop immediately. Your in-laws are more than capable of a quick call to see if you're up for a visit before just showing up and banging on your door. Stand up for yourself.

You're not being unreasonable at all, I would struggle with that much interaction with the in-laws normally let alone in the third trimester! Your DH can go to see them alone, you're exhausted and need to rest. It also sounds like they'll be constantly 'popping in' when you have the baby so it might be good to establish boundaries now

Sounds like an ideal result to me

The time to learn how to enforce your boundaries is now, before the baby comes

^ YUP!! 👍🏻
If you don’t put your foot down now it will be overwhelming when DC arrives. I’d make sure to talk to DH about how you want your birth and the first week home to go. In laws may fully expect to be at the hospital/dropping in as and when they like...etc. Important you and DH are on the same page.

I’m 28 weeks now and also feeling rather antisocial! Christmas was a push and although lovely I’m glad it’s over!

Feel for you. You shouldn't have to be spending so much time with them. You must stand up for yourself and say no

He said he is going to work on that and that he wants me to be happy and do what's right for me.
That sounds like a really positive conversation, I'm so glad 🙂

I'm 32+5 and have no interest in seeing anyone socially.

31 weeks here and I would be seriously grumpy if I was seeing my own parents that much let alone my in laws. All I want is to be left alone on the sofa at this point!