Effects of a second child

[Mog]

Since I'm expecting number 2, I'd love to hear some encouraging stories from people of it being easier and better than they expected having to juggle two children ( mine will be 20 months apart). I'm getting some horror stories thrown my way! Also my first child was a very easy baby and still is an easy child. I have this fear that I've had my easy one and the next one will be a nightmare! Anyone had two easy babies?

Mog, I don't know where to start! I don't know about being easier (some things have been, some harder) but better - definitely.

My two are 26 months apart and are (mostly) lovely together. They play very well together (it sometimes falls apart when they're tired, but don't we all?) and listening to them talking to one another is great (v. funny sometimes too). Ds is a very caring big brother - he is much happier than he was as an 'only' - and dd adores him. The other day he was annoyed with her and hit her on the back - when I told him off, she flung her arms around him and cried 'He won't do it again Mummy!'. I love watching their different personalities develop, and seeing how they interact.

A few specifics: dd was much easier in the car as a baby and toddler than ds: when ds was little one of us had to entertain him on journeys, whereas dd had ds to entertain her. Dd was much quicker to feed and dress herself because she wanted to be like ds. They do entertain one another quite a lot - sometimes I have been far more able to get things done in the house with two than I could with one who needed my input to entertain him all the time (the house is messier though...).

As to having an easy baby first: friends of ours had a very easy baby first, then a total (but loveable) monster second. They said that at least they knew what they were doing with a baby, and they also knew that it wasn't anything they were doing wrong, it was just the baby's personality, which definitely helped.

Mog - mine are 16 mns apart and now at 16 and 32 mns are getting on great ! You can (almost) sit back and watch them play together. I found dd2 to be much more advanced as she has always been copying her sister, and wanting to do all the things she does. Apart from a brief period where dd1 didn't like dd2 (When dd2 started walking and getting hold of dd1s precious toys !)She now says I want dd2 to play with me !

The sight of them laughing together and chasing each other makes any harder times easier!

My two are only 13 months apart, now 15 and 16! It was a lot easier than people think!

It's harder now as my eldest is a very bright girl, just got 4 A*s and 5 A's in her GSCE's and is starting A' levels in Maths (in 1 year) further maths. physics, french and german and will end up with 5 A levels. He is going his GCSE's next year, it has put a lot of pressure on him academically to achieve and sometimes he just doesn't do ANY work at all!

He is also very bright but just thinks in typical boy fashion - what the hell, goes to his first exam and doesn't know what subject it is but still ends up wwith a 70% average to his sister's disgust!

They do look out for each other and they missed each other this summer, DD was in Peru for a month and DS didn't have his main summer holiday with us, there were tears in his eyes when we met him at Euston on Sunday, very sweet!

This is so encouraging! I'm expecting no 2 in nine weeks and there will be 14months between them. I'm amazed at the number of negative comments that have flown my way. As much as it's good to be put in the picture, I feel some people get a kick out of making you feel bad! I have moments of absolute fear when I try to work out the logistics, but I'm also really excited. Here's to a deep breath and several years of happy chaos!

I've had 2 easy babies! Mind you, DS2 is not as easy as DS1 but, in the grand scheme of things, he's pretty easy. They're 24 months & 6 days apart.

I'd say it's not easier or more difficult - it's different!

You know all the basic stuff about babies you were clueless about with your 1st and you know they're more robust than you thought.

A second child is not the same as a Precious First Born (PFB) - as your PFB approaches no 2, however friendly their intentions, imagine your horror had a monster toddler approached your PFB in that manner.

You can't give your subsequent children the same amount of attention your PFB got but they won't know any different. They'll have the benefit of a playmate who doesn't tire as quickly as mummy of giving them back their rattle so it all evens out.

On the downside, you don't get a moments peace, your PFB will want the toilet/changing etc the minute you sit down to feed PSB (Precious Second Born!), PFB will want to do inappropriate activities whilst PSB is awake Playdoh, painting, small toys, jigsaws etc do not mix with a smaller child!

Then they get to, say, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 and you can sit back and watch them play together and then you hear PFB on the toy phone to the police saying "Aidy's been naughty but don't take him away because I love him"... all the hassles seem to melt away!

Having said that, those moments when PFB is at nursery and PSB is asleep are BLISS!

I meant "Then they get to, say, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2..." DS1 is a precocious talker but wasn't THAT advanced!

What about work/childcare/money? That really worries me about having another. Currently I work three days a week from home and have a nannyshare. How do you make those logistics work (or do you?)?

I have had 2 easy babies (didn't think you could have an easier one then DS.... then had DD!)... they are 20 months apart and I still don't understand (or can't remember ) what the fuss of having a baby is about for first time mum.... I mean when you have 2... we are all dressed by 9 AM.... I remember being in my nightie at lunchtime with number 1!!!!!
So YES it is easier
and yes.... childcare is trickier (for me at least)... very expensive so you have to look at all options !

Agree with you there, Pupuce - when I had one baby I used to struggle to get out of the house by 10.30 for baby club; with 2 I was always the first at toddlers at 9.30. The difference was that if ds cried I dropped everything and fed him, whereas dd had to wait until we got there because then I could feed her in peace while ds played.

Aloha - childcare so far has been just as easy with 2, just more expensive , however that was when both were at nursery with 8am-6pm coverage - ds starts school next week (8.45-3.15) so I'll talk about childcare with 2 children when I've seen what happens then...

Azzie - yours sound gorgeous together, i hope i'll be that lucky when no. 2 arrivces in december.

mog - i am in the same situation as you - and read a good tip recently, when you pack your hospital bad take a wrapped up present for your no. 1, give it to him/her when they come to visit and say it's from their new brother/sister - sets the relationship off on a good foot - as we know they all LOVE presents!

Aloha - i sometimes lie wake at night getting myself in to a complete PANIC about money / childcare for no. 2. I just don't know how people can afford 2 lots of childcare (my dh has just been made redundant). So now i don't let myself think about it at night!! Que sera sera. somehow things have a way of working themselves out when the times comes. but would love to know if anyone does hold the magic answer (ie. next weeks lotttery nos.!)

The present idea really worked for us - dd gave ds Thomas and Annie and Clarabel when she was born, and he still remembers that they were from her. I feel that telling him that she and I chose them together isn't really a fib, as she was in my tummy when I bought them .

Another thing that really helped was that, although dd was a rather solemn little baby (a lot going on in her head, I now think), ds could always get a smile or a chuckle out of her. Dh and I would work hard for a slight smile, but ds only had to stand in front of her bouncy chair and jump up and down a couple of times and she was in fits of giggles, which of course he thought was great.

All the things that take longer,make me frazzled and exhausted are worth when I see my dds together. They have "their" relationship which is nothing to do with me or anyone else. They love each other to bits and make each other laugh (and cry) like no-one else can. Don't worry,it'll be fine. Enjoy!

Another thing I should say is don't despair if the first few weeks are hard - it doesn't mean that it won't work out. My two get on so well now, but I remember sobbing my heart out one day shortly after dd was born, wondering where my lovely little boy had gone. I also remember that he didn't eat a thing for us for 2 whole weeks (he drank loads of milk, and had 3 helpings of everything at nursery, so I didn't worry too much). We gave him loads of cuddles and reassurance, but maintained the rules, and before long he couldn't remember a time before dd (he even told me once that they'd talked about things when they were both still in my tummy ). We were very lucky in that ds was never horrid to the baby - he took it out on us, but never his sister, maybe because he had just come out of the baby room at nursery, and so knew how to behave around small people. Also, dd was a person to him right from the start, not just a baby. She was a real person, so had to be talked to as such, shown things etc. It was very sweet.

DS2 gave DS1 a plastic shark when he was born. And yes, DS1 still remembers who bought it for him!

One thing I really love is when ds sits and reads a book to dd - she has no idea that he can't actually read yet, so is making it up as he goes along .

... or has the book upside down?? We have that!

Just lovely, isn't it?

It's like birth horror stories isn't it? People love to scare you!

When dd arrived ds came to the hospital and the first thing he said was "I wanted a boy"

There are 2yrs 7 months between ds (who was 4 yesterday) and dd who is 17 months. Ds was a very easy baby, dd wasn't. The first year was difficult (although nothing like as difficult as I had thought), but it's been wonderful. They worship each other and it's just wonderful.

Having just spent some time with my nephew, who is an only child (& a lovely boy, don't get me wrong), I'm sooo glad I've got 2. Sure, they fight like cat & dog, but they also play together really well, and don't expect me to entertain them all the time, which leaves me with time to cook, clean, do paperwork, and most important, go on mumsnet. I think the hardest time was immediately after dd2 was born, dd1 was 29 months, and a very "challenging" child (translation; she had mega tantrums all the time), but after the first 6 weeks, which I seem to remember being hard with dd1 anyway (the shock element), we soon settled into a routine. I echo what others have said about being able to do more when the second is tiny - get out of the house before 3pm, etc. I think it's a combination of being more laid back (so not taking 15 changes of clothes, 25 nappies, etc....), and not really having the choice - if you've got to get the older one to playgroup, you just do it.
Definately a vote for 2. BUT, personally don't feel I could cope with any more.

aloha/emilys - it's the finances that bother me too. Would like to start trying for #2 (DS is 1 year old today!) but two lots of nursery fees wouldn't be much less than my take home pay (DH wouldn't even consider me not working full time - don't earn=don't eat in his book!), and I'm struggling to cope with full-time work and one, so don't know how I'd manage with two.

Anyone out there with a full-time job and more than one pre-schooler? How do you cope?

I suppose it would only mean working for no money for a couple of years - but then how do you cope with school hours and working (I know this is an issue with just 1 too)? At least nursery times more or less correspond with a working day. I have visions of never again being able to earn more than the cost of childcare+share of bills, and I'm not sure I like the prospect.

I'm feeling really cheered by this thread since we're thinking about another (ds nearly 5) and I wonder if it'll be a nightmare, mainly because I won't remember how to do anything or how to look after a baby! So great to hear all these positive experiences.

Thank you all for your encouraging experiences. It really does help to hear positive stories and makes me feel quite excited about number 2.
I intend to go back to work part-time after number 2 (after extended maternity leave) because I enjoyed returning to work after number 1 far more than I expected and dd loves nursery. Although almost all my income will go on childcare, its not forever and I think they get some free childcare places from three years old now.

We're expecting baby no.2 in Feb. Really looking forward to it but I'm totally shattered all of the time. I'm working full time just now but thankfully I'll stop at Christmas. Not planning to go back to work until August. Hopefully we'll be able to manage with part-time but have to wait and see. I did not enjoy going back to work at all.

Second time round definately has more emotion because you know what your heading for!!!!!

Good luck to all second timers!!!

JoPat, I'm due in February as well and can empathise with the tiredness. I thought it would have worn off by now at 17 weeks. Good luck!