I really need some support please

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

You should maybe post this in relationships you will get more replies. I don't really know what to say other than you should probably tell your husband. I can't really see any other option.

It's a horrible situation to be in. If it we're me, i guess I'd try to weight up which situation would be harder to live with and the more moral choice.
Will coming clean damage your husband's life and your children's lives, is taking that action the preferable choice over having the abortion.
It seems like you could not tell your husband, have the abortion and try to rebuild your life and relationship?
Are you thinking of not telling your husband, and have him raise the baby thinking he's the father?
Tell your husband and give him an opportunity to express what he feels about you and about the baby, see if that influences the choice you might make?
I really hope that you find peace and acceptance in whatever outcome you end up with.

No I wouldnt deceive him into thinking the baby was his. I tell him and he doenst want the baby I think I would maybe do it alone? I just don't know x

Dear OP, firstly I'm really sympathetic because I had an affair too in the past. It was excruciating, I hated myself and felt like I couldn't live with my self loathing. But I'm better now and stayed with my partner (we're now married) and he knows about what happened. If I'd have got pregnant with man 2's baby, it sounds dreadful but I think I would have had an abortion. I loved him a lot but I knew he wasn't dad material at all and wasn't as nice a person as my husband...I'm so so happy to finally be PG with my husband now. Anyway this wasn't advice, just heartfelt sympathy. You're not alone x

Thank you. My husband has said he doesn't want anymore children. My last pregnancy was horrendous and I needed a lot of mental health supoort as I was convinced my 3rd daughter would also be still born (I did fall pregnant very quickly after she'd died so wasn't in a good place and it's now 3 years down the line). If he learns of this pregnancy he will be really upset as he'll be not only hurt by the betrayal but if he does choose to support me, I know he'll be scared it may happen again x

If it was me I would have to be honest with my husband, he should know that he not the biological father but will be the father that raises this baby, for all you know he may have had an idea something been going on. Good luck if you do tell him just be honest and explain why you did it maybe your daughters still birth pushed you to do this we all deal with things differently and not always in the right way

You have had such a traumatic time.

I am not condoning your actions but whatever you choose to do next you have to live with.

Your DH deserves the truth no matter if you decide to keep the baby or not.

Your choice to have an affair comes with the consequences of breaking up your family.

You need counselling before you make any decisions.

He will know hes definitely not the father as I've not been sleeping with him since starting my affair. He has said though he doesn't want anymore children.

I'm so frightened, I feel so alone 😥

I would hedge my bets that by keeping the baby your marriage is over. I’m not really understanding do you want to be with you husband OP- regardless of money, the kids- do you want your marriage to work?

Yeh I do want it to work, but I don't think I can have an abortion. Since the kids have come along I'd put them before anything and I kind of feel the same about this pregnancy but I know have to consider my existing children

When you say you do want your marriage to work but don't want to have an abortion, is that because you think your husband will want to stay with you if you have the abortion? But there's no chance if you keep the baby?

You have to talk it through with him, he may not want to be with you at all when he finds out about the affair, regardless of whether you keep the baby or not. That could really influence what you decide to do. You want it to work but given all that's happened your relationship may be over, and that's not in your hands anymore, as a consequence of having an affair. If it we're me, I'd think about things in the hypothetical that you've split up with your husband, what would you want to do about the pregnancy in that scenario?

Op unfortunately you can have it both ways and need to deal with the consequences now. I agree with pp councilling may help you decide what to do but I'm a believer that honesty is the best policy, but not everyone will agree with this. Good luck, I hope you work things out

Dear OP, I know I've already messaged but I couldn't walk away... your marriage is not necessarily over (unless you want it to be). So so many marriages have weathered this and more (including mine). I know many posters here are saying the opposite, but this is my experience and also what I've observed. Don't give up hope, if that's what you want. Like I said, you're not alone, don't be frightened, many many other couples have been through this, it might be hard but you're not alone xx

I’d have to make the call between my husband & my my children and the idea of messing up their lives and how I’d cope with an abortion. Personally, I’d have the abortion every single time. My children would just have to come first. I just don’t think I could throw their lives into turmoil. It’s a lot for them to get their heads around and the chances are your marriage wouldn’t survive. So it’d be moving house or daddy moving out, split lives & all because of this new half sibling. Would it cause enormous resentment? Possibly.

I cannot imagine what you’ve been through having a stillborn baby, I’m so sorry that happened to you but I think you need to separate the two scenarios. This new baby is a tiny mass of cells at the moment, in my eyes, not really a baby as yet.. and is something they could cause enormous pain. It’s a permanent link to a man you dislike.

If it were me and I know we are all different, I’d have the abortion and seek significant counselling for everything you have been through. Go back to your husband & children and throw yourself into family life and appreciating the life you have. Do all the fun things with your kids, focus on rebuilding your relationship if you still love each other, including sex. Just because he doesn’t want more kids doesn’t mean your sex life has to stop.. it’s an important part of a relationship.

OR, you have to be honest. End of. You tell your husband everything. It’s not going to be easy but those are the choices you have really.. and you ride out what ever happens. Sometimes life goes astray but it can be rebuilt. Good luck OP & a big virtual hug

I’m not aiming to scare you but he needs to know really..
I know your saying you would never have an abortion and that’s your choice but for arguments sake - say you do decide it’s the best option, what if you need medical attention after the procedure? You become unwell and need to go to the hospital? What would you say then? Wouldn’t it be worse if he found out afterwards? So that’s one thing to think about.

I think the truth always comes out eventually so it’s just best to be honest and say what’s happened. As much as this is your life it’s also your husbands life too - he deserves a say in the matter, he has the right to decide what he wants to do with this information.

You say your parents who about the affair, does your husband know about the affair? Maybe look at marriage therapy?

Your obviously struggling a lot right now, can you get any mental health help to help you rationalise the situation better, like CBT?

Thank you for your kind replies. @Halloweenbabyy that is a good point and I never thought of that scenario. I think now it's better to be truthful. I will suggest marriage counseling and am willing to do anything. I just worry my husband may take on the baby but then resent it in time or resent me and never trust me again

@Fuzzywuzzy9 trust is a hard thing to gain but all you can do it your best now. He will resent lies more than the truth. No point worrying about what ifs and worrying about things you can’t control. Focus on what you can be in control of, I think you’ll feel better once it’s all out in the open because you will then know what your dealing with instead of worrying of what’s to come x

Op how did you get on making your decision?