My mum is driving me insane

[Mum2b2020]

Is anyone else having this issue?

My mum keeps making snide comments about me and my husband buying new items, instead of second hand, for our first child (her and my dad didnt have much money when I was little so most things were second hand and all clothes were from charity shops or heavily discounted at her work shop).

Today we mentioned that we saw a really cute winnie the pooh book collection and she said that I was going to end up with a spoilt child. She has been given a travel cot which she intends on using when the baby sleeps over hers. I asked if the mattress was new as I know that car seats and mattresses have to be new to prevent SIDS and she and my sister rolled their eyes at me.

I also mentioned the other day that I dont want anyone to kiss my baby's face until she is 6-8 weeks old. She replied 'well that's not good for bonding is it? I wonder how we all survived". I'm so fed up of all these comments. Anyone have any tips on zoning her out. Seriously thinking that I wont want her around during the first week.

That sounds really difficult and I'm sorry you're in that situation. I'd be fairly direct with her and let her know that her comments are upsetting and there's no need for it. Let her know you're not criticising what she did when she had kids but equally this is your child and therefore your decision and she needs to respect that. For example put your foot down and tell her that if she won't make sure it's a new mattress your baby won't be sleeping there. If you set clear boundaries now then it should be easier in the long term.

I think you’ll just have to be straight up and tell her.

My mum has made the odd comment about things that we have bought and that I’m buying all sorts of unnecessary things as we’re also first time parents. I was polite but firm and told he we will but what we want.

My mum is the same; I have to remind myself all the time that she means well but she is so judgemental and overbearing. I am expecting twins and she has made so many comments about breastfeeding, coping alone (apparently I’ll never manage), the birth itself, etc etc. She bought me cot bumpers that I didn’t want (as they aren’t safe!) and got really offended. It drives me crazy and I’ve honestly found myself distancing myself from her in my pregnancy. She also tries to come to all my scans even when I tell her DH is coming - she’ll still text the night before ‘Shall I meet you there tomorrow?’ It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other. I even did let her come to one scan, hoping that would stop it, but no (she thinks because I have so many growth scans for twins it’s ‘only fair’ she can come to see them, forgetting that these are medical appts, and DH’s children!)

My only advice would be speak up and stick to your guns. I always tell her when the advice is unwarranted and when it’s upsetting me. It doesn’t always go down well but I feel better for saying it. I have also been very clear on visiting boundaries - we don’t want any visitors the first 48 hours at home just while we let the dust settle, and have also simply asked for any visits after that that they are pre-arranged with us (she is the type who just turns up, often even let’s herself in). Again it went down like a lead balloon but we’ve said it a few times now and I think it’s gone in.

At the end of the day this is your child and you decide how to parent. As annoying as it is try and let as much of it wash over you as you can!

Tell her you're sorry she couldn't afford new things, but you can so get over it.

Mean, but just a fact. We've bought mostly everything new, apart from a few things i didn't see the point in getting new. If we couldn't afford to, we wouldn't and would have time more things second hand. No shame in that either.

I feel sad for people who have mother's like this. My mum seduces me nuts too, but i realise she's actually quite reasonable!

Why can't people kiss the baby? That's a rule you've made up and not based on any health advice (unless someone has a coldsore etc). Whereas the new mattress thing is NHS advice for safe sleeping. Maybe she doesn't take you seriously about the mattress because of your other 'rules'?

I'd imagine the kissing rule is because of the risk associated with coldsores, not to be underestimated.

Just be straight. It's great that she can help out and give you advice but this is YOUR baby, so YOU and NO ONE ELSE gets to make the rules. If they are avoidable risks then why not make sure you avoid them? Why take the risk?

Thanks all. If she continues then I'll have to say something. I had assumed she would just be happy to have a first grandchild but she seems just to be judging me already. We had also mentioned that the baby would go to nursery after the first year, probably one or two days a week, which is something she couldnt afford for us when my sister and I were small and she has made negative comments several times about it. I'm wondering if shes just feeling defensive as my husband and i are in a lucky position to provide things that we didnt have as kids. I have no issue in second hand things at all, apart from car seats and mattresses, but we wanted things like a new pram that we can use for future children too.

@KellyHall yes the kissing thing is because if the risk of cold sores, something she gets fairly regularly. Even if they're not showing, the herpes virus can be passed on and can cause very serious issues in young babies. As you say, it's an avoidable risk which I would rather not take.

It does take me back when I hear first time pregnant women talking about wanting everything new - I was exactly the same.
Turns out that besides the mattress & car seat (100000% on-board with that!!) you will end up wishing a lot of it had been secondhand.....

We bought a brand new Jumperoo at around 5/6 months for £125; and whilst it was well used and a fab purchase which helped my DC's co-ordination & balance, it was surplus by the time she was 8/9 months and sold for £40. At the time they were ten-a-penny on Facebook. Flying round town from one house to another...! I saw mine being re-sold about 4 times and that's just what I actually saw.

There were so many other examples of how we could've saved money in some areas to help in other areas!

Obviously if you're wealthy then it's irrelevant!

Re: Cold sores, I TOTALLY agree. They are threat to life for newborn babies. I wish this was more widely known!

If it’s any consolation I had it the other way. Had GM howling crying at me down the phone when I told her we’d got most of the stuff 2nd hand ‘what’s the poor bairn done to deserve that!’ Can’t win!

OP I was also the opposite, I brought a lot of stuff second hand minus the big purchases e.g cot, mattress, car seat and I had a lot of eye raising my way. I had the last laugh I think as some of dcs outfits were only worn once or twice, were 'as new' condition and saved me a tonne of money which meant we could take DC away for a little break to the seaside in the summer. That said it is 100% a personal decision, and of course depends on your financial situation. Your relatives shouldn't be judging you either way. Unfortunately I found that having a baby just opened the gates for a tonne of 'helpful' comments (sleep, weaning, breastfeeding....) . In the end I would just nod and ignore....this included the health visitors

My mum was like this, i was really excited to be buying all the bits and she was really judgemental about the money i was spending. At the time i thought she was feeling defensive as we had secondhand stuff when i was growing up and she was unable to afford to buy anything brand new for my baby - her first DGC - while other relatives were.

However, she was actually right about a lot of it, albeit her delivery was fairly scathing. Looking back i wish i hadnt spent so much money on stuff that didnt get used/used minimally. But as a first time mum its really difficult to know what is worth spending money on and what isnt (in my case, a really fucking expensive cot was pointless as DC1 coslept from pretty much day 1, she literally never slept in the massive, over-priced thing!).

Currently 40wks with DC2 and have literally bought nothing this time, anything we needed has been lent to use by mates. And much to my mum's delight a lot of the stuff bought the first time round has gone to charity shops.

We bought absolutely everything second hand, so I can see where she's coming from tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t allow your baby to sleep over on the second hand mattress.
Just refuse. Why is the baby sleeping over anyway?

You're absolutely right about buying certain things new when it comes to safety, such as mattresses, we did the same. Other things we were happy to be given or buy second hand, however whether it's worthwhile buying other stuff new or not is besides the point, it's your baby, it's your money and you don't need anyone telling you how to spend your money and how to raise your child.
We had a few issues with my mum giving unwanted and outdated advice when ours was a newborn, we eventually had to kindly but firmly tell her that while we appreciate that she doesn't mean anything by it, it's OUR baby and we don't need to justify how we are raising him. She completely understood and has been great since. I think just let her know that the comments are having a negative impact on you and you will ask her opinion when you want or need it

"I wonder how we all survived"

They didn't. Infants died regularly due to lack of research on these topics.

That's your response.

I'm in a similar situation with the in-laws... I think the second thing they said after finding out we were expecting was about how we could have the cot, highchair, car seat and other bits they had in the loft from when OH was born...and it was met with eye rolls and 'we'll see' when we politely declined due to the massive safety implications with using baby items that have been in a loft for over 25 years. They're like that, when we moved into our new house they turned up with wardrobes, tables and other tat that they'd been too afraid to throw away and because they wouldn't take no for an answer we have a shed full of their junk. I think it's their generation to push secondhand and never throw away etc but when it comes to safety, there is absolutely no room for cutting corners. But that shouldn't even be used as an excuse, if you want to and can buy new then why the hell not, after all, it's your first child and as long as you aren't bankrupting yourself why is it anyone else's business? I think be firm, as it's your mother you've probably got a little bit more room to push back whereas I feel very trapped given it's my in-laws that are pushy with me. At the end of the day, your mum will forgive you eventually, if you accept everything she's saying and let her push you into something you aren't comfortable with the consequences could be very bad.

As for the kissing thing, I am 10000% the same. Both in-laws work with the public and have been sick in one way or another around the time of year my baby is due for the past 6 years, there's no way in hell I am risking my newborn's health for a kiss so that is one thing I'm going to be very very firm about. As I said above, they'll forgive us, if something was to happen to the baby for the sake of politeness I would never forgive myself!