Please Help! How to prevent access?! Pregnant and leaving an abusive relationship

[DaisyBee123]

I have been in the process of coming out of an abusive relationship. I say in the process because he has been refusing to leave me alone as I am carrying his baby.

Today I finally blocked him on everything. I don't want anything to do with him, and definitely not with the baby. I know a lot of people probably disagree with this, but this was the final thing for me. As I have repeatedly tried to make it work/sort out arrangements and given many chances, but it just ends with me at the receiving end of more abuse.

I do not trust him with the baby as he repeatedly shows anger issues as he is unable to control his emotions and reactions.

I will do anything to protect my baby! But he has made it clear he will be fighting for access when it is born and in the meantime I am trying to do all I can as a pregnant woman to set up a life that is free from him and the trauma he inflicts on us on a daily basis.

But I don't know what to do! All I can think of is not putting his name on the birth certificate and moving away. As much as child support will be of a help, I am not interested as it is not worth it if I have to have this man in our lives.

My concern is if he files to go to court to get paternity and then that will grant him PR and we have to come to some sort of access arrangement. I need to do everything in my power to stop this because I am scared for our future. As much as I can explain this to courts, I don't think they'll understand as they tend to see a child having both parents is best and nothing has been reported to the police (although I will now if it continues). I really feel I have to follow my gut instinct here and what I know.

So is there anything I can do to prevent this happening? If he doesn't know where I live, how can we go to court (i.e. there will be no letters sent to me)? It might sound stupid, I have no idea how it works when it comes to running away whilst pregnant!

All I want is to keep my baby and I safe from him so we can live a happy and healthy life. Throughout the whole pregnancy he has stopped this - I can't let it continue. Please help.

The thought of him getting rights to my baby is making me physically ill. Is there any way he won't be able to see the baby? I'm just guessing if he can't find me? I'm desperate :(

I have contacted Women's Aid tonight, writing it all out in an email, so I will wait their response, but in the meantime any advice, support or people who have been in a similar situation will help :)

I am feeling really fragile at the moment, so if we can keep it nice please. Thank you! x

Women’s aid is a great start, good luck 💐

@Weenurse
Thank you, can't wait to hear back from them already! So desperate to get it sorted x

one thing you can plan to do that will help massively is to exclusively breastfeed your baby. a young breastfed baby cannot be separated from mum and you can't be expected to get your boobs out in the presence of someone you are not in a relationship with so any contact would have to be very brief.

long term, the child does have the right to a relationship with their father, but the father doesn't have rights that overrule the best interests of the child.

most likely, this man is only demanding access as a way to control you. you do not need to be controlled and can assert your right to have as little contact with him as possible, all communication in writing, he does not get to enter your home. if you facilitate access contact eg perhaps supervised by your mum or other trusted 3rd party but with no way to control you, he could well lose interest as he only sees the baby as a way to wield control, not as his child.

but if there are genuine concerns that the child may not be safe with him then gather evidence of that. don't try to disappear, it won't work. and don't allow unsupervised access for a moment as if you do, this will be used as evidence that you actually don't consider him a risk to the child.

Moving so he does not know where you live and can’t hassle you is a good idea too.

@ElluesPichulobu

Thank you for you response. Yes definitely planning on breastfeeding the baby. And I think that is really good advice on not letting him have unsupervised visits.

My mum said he can make contact through her and I have contact with his mum, so it looks like we are already going down that third party route as it is the only way to try and keep it civil.

He is an extremely controlling person, so yes I am pursuing to have as little contact as possible (perhaps none if I can keep involving other parties).

My thoughts of why I thought about moving was if he got access, surely it will be a lot less than if we are living in the same town? I will be visiting every other weekend for family, so he could see the baby then, which I don't know if that would be considered as reasonable access?

@Weenurse

Yes he kept threatening saying he will come over if I don't answer my phone to him and doesn't care about showing up and hassling me and my parents. So once he realises I have moved, surely he would stop this as he would be getting nothing from it.

He sounds very challenging. Can you speak to the police?
Have women’s aid got back o you?

@Weenurse

Indeed he is! No they haven't yet, but I only sent it last night. They said they might take up to 5 days to reply as well, so a bit of a waiting game.

I was considering talking to the police about harassment. I will if it continues from now on. But now our families are involved, he might take a step back! He's so unpredictable, who knows! But I kind of want to file a police report, one to protect me and secondly to have it against his name if it all goes to court.

If you are not married and his name isn't on the birth certificate then he has no parental rights, this alos means he doesn't have to pay child support. However, he can apply through the courts, he may or may not do this as it will depend on how much time and money he is prepared to spend.
As for womens aid, can you call them on their helpline? This would give you instant information on what to do and how to protect yourself and your baby. They can also help you to move if you are at high risk. They will also advise you if it is in your best interests to go to the police. Another option for reporting abuse is to go see your gp so there is at least something on record. All the stress of this situation can't be doing with you or your baby any good.
I hope you manage to sort this out and I wish you all the best... Stay strong xx

If you are not married and his name isn't on the birth certificate then he has no parental rights

Please consider doing this, it would help lessen his impact on your and your child's future.

Also write down all of his harassment of not only you but your parents too, so you have something to show the Police.

Womens Aid will advise on how to stop him having contact in the future.

How many weeks are you? Is there a chance he’ll get bored if you don’t engage him for the next X months?

Depending how bad it is I’d consider moving. EBF is a good idea.

Can you report him to the police so that you have a record of the abuse?

Personally I would change my name and move away now, not put him on the birth certificate and tell as few people as possible where I had gone, with those that know under strict instructions to tell him they don't know where you are. It isn't fool proof, he could track you down and press for contact through the courts, but I would make it as difficult and therefore as expensive as possible for him to get contact.