Gender disappointment 🙁

[Mellymoo85]

Hi

I have a son already and I’ve just found out that our 2nd is also a boy. This sounds awful but I’ve really wanted a girl on both and I feel heartbroken. 3 days on after finding out and i’m still crying all the time and find myself feeling jealous of girl mums and parents who have one of each. I love my son to bits and I know I will with my 2nd son too and I feel like the worst person in the world for feeling like this and I feel like both of my sons deserve better than me. It’s got me thinking about why I’m so desperate for a girl and I think it’s because my mum put a lot of importance on boys and treated my brother amazing and neglected me and my sister, and I grew up with no confidence and feeling pretty much worthless and I think I want to have another chance at raising another version of me but she will be brought up looked after well and feel so much different to how I did as a child, and maybe I just want to experience a positive mother/daughter relationship for the first time in my life. I know there are people out there who would love to have any baby and can’t, and girl mums who would do anything for a boy. I’m really hoping this will pass soon and I can look forward and be excited but right now i can’t and it’s awful, I really don’t want to feel like this.

You’re not your mum and you know what’s causing these difficult feelings. If you were having a girl she wouldn’t be a mini you, she’d be her own person with her own character she interests. Some counselling would be helpful to unpick how your childhood made you feel and to get you in the best place in your head and heart to enjoy your pregnancy and prepare to be a mum to two beautiful sons.

I wanted a girl from first pregnancy, my husband the same. It turned out was a boy. We got in with it had name for both anyways. Wanted a girl for second, it was a boy, had a name so we got used with it. Wanted a girl for third but set our minds it's a boy so we will be happy either way. Was a girl. Wanted a girl now for the fourth, it's a boy. We're working on picking a name and that's all. I'm so super conscious that we don't choose what to have and I'm just grateful to have them. I can raise super educated and mannered boys too that will make a difference in the world.

That doesn't mean I wasn't a bit disappointed but I found that not dwelling on that feeling was better, and instead making plans for our life with another boy it's better. At the end of the day I can't change what the baby is and need to get on with it and continue to enjoy a healthy baby.

I hear you. It’s not necessarily that you don’t want another boy but for me, it was hard to accept I’ll never have a daughter.

For me, what has helped is both thinking of the positives - my DS gets a brother and I think there’s something special about same-sex siblings - and the practicalities (get to reuse all his adorable baby stuff).

And also, for me, this baby is the baby who wants to join our family - and maybe the little girl I had in my head wasn’t the right person to be joining our family at this point in time. Might be a little “woo” for you but it’s just what has worked for me.

I was the same, I was really surprised as we were trying for a baby for four years and i always said i dont care what gender the baby is so long as its healthy, then I got pregnant and really wanted a boy, picked out a boys name only looked at boys clothes, then found out we was having a girl, I was devastated which made me feel so so guilty but I just couldn't help it, so I went out bought loads of pretty clothes and thought about all the things we could do with our baby girl and now at 32 weeks pregnant I'm so happy were having a girl now, it takes some getting used to there is a book on Amazon about dealing with gender disappointment maybe it's worth having a read, just know your not alone I bet it's common to feel like this but not alot of women will want to admit it as I didn't coz I felt so awful xx

I agree with a PP - I do think there is something to be said for same sex siblings. Hugely from the practicalities but also from the hopeful bond (even if it comes in adulthood!).. I’m having a second girl this time & I’ll admit I had mixed feelings. Part of me really wanted one of each & to experience having a son as I just love my daughters little boy pals! But the other half of me was relieved in a sense. I kept all my daughters clothes so that’s saving us a lot of money! And also, I just feel like I know what I’m doing with a girl. Which is probably daft as babies are babies and I’m raising my daughter to not see toys & activities as boy or girl. She can do & play with whatever she wants! Currently hugely into dinosaurs, cars, dolls & unicorns

I also felt a sense of happiness that she’d have a little partner in crime & that hopefully they might grow up to share some interests & be friends! I’m sure they’ll fight & bicker & hate each other at various points but overall.. my other half & his brother are the best of friends as adults, it’s nice!

I hope you can find some peace with it .. I think boys can be such loving little creatures & actually very attached to mum! And def easier in the teenage years 😂 don’t feel guilty, it’s a normal reaction & it doesn’t make you any less grateful for your child. Take your time & I’m sure the excitement & bond will come

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I think you’re right, it’s not that I don’t want a son because i do feels pangs if excitement about him when I’m not moping, what I’m making myself miserable about and grieving for is thinking I may never have a daughter. Been out for some fresh air today and cleared my head and I feel better about it all x

I knew this thread would be about having a boy. These threads always are. It's sad that boys are viewed this way here (I know girls aren't wanted everywhere either).

OP, I know you can't help your feelings I hope you cam find acceptance.

Ebony and ivory. I'm not horrible just honest, it is horrible to be so ungrateful at the fact you can create life no matter what sex it is the gift of life is a wonderful thing and people who can have children should feel privileged

It is 50 50. But...

I think alot of women want daughters, to have that same bond they had with their mother - or in your case, create a fantastic bond that you never experienced before.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's a totally normal feeling and you're perfectly entitled to grieve for that not being a possibility (unless you're up for no.3?)

I've got no.2 on the way. I'm trying to keep an open mind but I'd love a daughter. One of each would be lovely. If I have another son, that would be wonderful but I will be a little sad that I won't have the opportunity to bond with a daughter.

Grieve.
Then look forward to building a life with your two wonderful boys. Love them. Cherish them. And raise them to be wonderful boys.

Maybe you'll find a mother daughter bond later on in life? With your sons partners maybe? Or with an unexpected 3rd? You never know...

I’m sure it will pass OP. Maybe start by thinking that a daughter won’t be a mini you, she’ll be completely her own person so there’s no way you can guarantee you could have the relationship you want with her

a daughter won’t be a mini you, she’ll be completely her own person

Yes, this. A few mothers I know treat their daughters like mini-mes and I wonder how well that will work out when they reach the teenage years.

I'm having a boy and couldn't be happier - but my husband really wanted a girl and I'm really worried he will struggle to love his son as much as he would a daughter. I've even been having dreams where I had to explain to my boy why daddy never says he loves him ☹️
I don't really have any advice for you but am sending hugs and hope these negative feelings go away soon x

I have three boys! I love them dearly they mean the absolute world to me. When your baby is born you will love him and be happy. 💐

I have "one of each". I hoped for a girl first time and was disappointed when we found out he was a boy. Second time I hoped for a boy and she was a girl! But now they're both here its brilliant and I wouldnt change a thing. I think same sex siblings are brilliant, I sometimes feel sad ours wont share a room or perhaps be as close (best man at wedding etc). Also my two brothers are closer to my mum than I am, if it's any consolation.

I really really wanted a girl as I'm a girly girl and love buying pink unicorn type things and I'm really close to my mum and wanted that bond with a daughter. I had a feeling it was a boy and it was. Just hoping my next is a girl but boys tend to run in my boyfriends family. Don't get me wrong I know how lucky I am to be having one at all, but I know how you feel.

I have to say that if you want a child of each gender, adopt or be a foster parent. Pregnancy is an amazing aspect of being human and I think society as whole should change it's attitudes. I have a friend. All girls. She was pregnant again and everyone thought she was trying for a boy and came up with really insensitive comments. It was an unplanned pregnancy and they didn't think they could get naturally pregnant. Getting pregnant again can be daunting purely because of the judgements relating to gender as well. What kind of comment is "hopefully you will have a boy this time so you can have one of each and your family will be complete". Complete by whose standards? Then when you go on to have the same gender, I don't want people to react ashough it is any less of a miracle.
Having the same gender is cool too. They can be best buds and share their things. But whose to say a boy and a girl cant be. Anyway...

I wanted a girl for the reason OP, and now I have three, but I’m finding myself going over the top with them. Worrying constantly, to the point I have anxiety.
Spoiling them, (my eldests behaviour and expectant attitude is unfortunately a result)
My DM always made me feel like I wasn’t important, like I was always an inconvenience to her.
I have suffered all my life as a result. Low self esteem, no confidence, depression.
I am very resentful towards her and am so desperate to be the opposite of her that I’m almost going too far the opposite way.
I’ve learnt that you can’t have children to “fix” something from the past, deep set issues from your own childhood need to be dealt with through therapy.
I love my DDs but my issues from my past are doing them no favours.
You are blessed with a wonderful DS and one on the way, they will bring you the happiness you need regardless of gender.

I had this - all stems from a very challenging relationship with my dad, and my absolute terror that I would give birth to a version of him. Although I had no idea in advance, it suddenly all came pouring out of me at the 20 week scan (my poor husband). I had never been honest with myself prior to this, and then had to grieve for the fantasy daughter I'd spent 30+ years assuming I would have. I am extraordinarily lucky to be able to even have a child, but I doesn't mean that these feelings weren't real for me. The way you move past them is by being honest with yourself (which is what you've done) and sharing your concerns. Being too ashamed to admit it does not help in my view.

Good luck with your pregnancy, and I know you'll bring a lovely little person into the world irrespective of gender.