Planned pregnancy - girlfriend left me a few weeks after finding out?

[FirstTimeDadToBe1]

Hi everyone.

This is a VERY long post, but please bear with me and hopefully you’ll understand why.

I’m due to be a first time dad (due in a few months) and my ex left me a few weeks after finding out she was pregnant. I’m not here to slate my ex, but I’m very hurt, upset, confused and anxious and I really feel like I need some help. I’ve been suffering in silence for the past few months and I’ve reached out to her and her family, but I don’t feel like my feelings matter to them in the slightest, so I’ve decided to reach out to you hoping that you can offer some advice. I can’t seem to find many similar threads online to my situation as it always seems in threads like it’s the man that doesn’t want to be involved, but I so desperately do and I just feel like I’m being cut out. I’ve tried speaking with families need fathers, and although I’ve heard they’re great in some situations, I just keep being told to wait and be patient but I’m really struggling to do that because right now I feel like I’m getting the s**tty end of the stick.

My ex and I were like best friends while we were together. I thought I was going to marry this girl, and now she’s being so utterly cold with me it’s almost beyond belief. I’ve never raised a hand to her or anything like that. My biggest mistake seems to be that I asked her to move in with me, as I always had a vision in my head of two people that love each other raising a child under the same roof. Is that unreasonable? I wanted her to move in with me before the pregnancy anyway, but upon finding out the good news it just seemed like the perfect time to approach the subject as we were going to be a family, and in my eyes loved each other more than words could express.

I’m self employed and have a good income, I own my house, and though I know money is always a struggle when you have a baby, I feel like I would have been comfortable enough to support the three of us. Alas, she wanted to stay living with her mum and because I asked more than once about the living situation I’ve been accused of bullying her in to living with me, which I feel is a totally unfair reflection of how I approached the situation. I should also mention that I’m on the autistic spectrum, so when I have an idea of how things would normally be (again an idea that I feel most people would consider relatively normal) I tend to struggle to let it go.

She claims I changed, but I honestly don’t feel like I did. I’ve shown my family the messages we’ve exchanged, and they’ve all said I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m sure they’re biased to some degree, and naturally her family are the same toward her, though I must give her mum credit in the fact that she’s keeping me in the loop with big updates as and when they come, but they’re very few and far between - and by that I mean the last update was 2 months ago. I don’t want to stress my ex or the baby out so I’ve respected her wishes and kept away, except for a handful of texts since we split up just to check everything is ok. I don’t know what I’m expecting update wise, but surely I should be getting more than this?

Even before conceiving I expressed my hesitation at buying everything brand new; it’s just how I was raised. If something second hand is in excellent condition, why spend a small fortune unnecessarily on things that can be bought second hand? Apparently that means I’m a cheapskate and our baby will only get tat, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel like I’m being accused of putting our child’s safety at risk for the sake of a few quid, and it really upsets me because I’m just trying to be sensible and I’m making sure everything I buy for my house is perfectly safe.. I just didn’t see the point in spending £1,250 on a push chair when you can get them at places like mothercare for half the price with 5 star reviews.

She claims she isn’t attending any antenatal classes, even though she was insistent on attending them while we were together because of how important they apparently are (again I have no idea because I haven’t attended/been invited to any). I’ve attended both of the scans, which I’m very grateful for (though gratefulness should have nothing to do with it as I’m the baby’s father and feel like I have a right to be there anyway as I desperately want to be involved and she knows this - is that selfish of me?) but I’ve not been invited to any midwife appointments, and even while we were together she outright said that if she had a cesarian section that she’d choose her mum over me as her birthing partner, which means I wouldn’t get to experience the birth of my child. I get it’s not a spectator sport, but my argument is that her mum isn’t the parent of the baby and why should I have to miss out on the birth of my child? Regardless of the fact men often weren’t around for the births of their children way back when, they are these days, and it kills me inside that there’s a chance I may not get to see our child being brought in to the world.

Also, as silly as it sounds, I’m very worried about our child not getting my last name. It’s just a big thing for me, and she said many times while we were together that she hates her last name and would change her last name to mine because she still wants a connection with our child in that respect, and I get that, but I can’t see her changing her last name to that of her ex (me) when we aren’t together. I’ve asked a couple of times about making plans, and every time I’ve asked I’m told it’s too early to make plans. We have 12 weeks until the due date and still no plans have been made or even discussions taken place about how things will go.

I never knew my dad growing up, and I always swore that I’d be damned if I had children and they didn’t have their dad in their life as a permanent fixture. A worry of mine is that I won’t get to see our child as often as I’d like. I can’t stand the thought of just seeing my child at the weekend, or god forbid every other weekend. I’m also worried I’m not going to get overnight visits for the first six months of our child’s life and not having the opportunity to develop the bond I would like with our child. Having not had my own father in my life, I know how this can affect a child and a lot of people don’t seem to appreciate that.

Hopefully you can appreciate how difficult this is for me and that I’m not just a bitter ex as I really want the best for our child and still want to support her fully as I’ll always love her as the mother of our child, but it just seems like it’s all about her and what she wants, and my feelings don’t get a second thought. I don’t seem to have any leg to stand on legally, and the last thing I want to do is drag anything through the legal system because it’s ultimately our child that will suffer, and even after how I feel I’ve been treated, I don’t want to do that to her either.

Am I being totally selfish?

What can I/should I do?

I can’t tell you how grateful I’d be for any advice or experience you can offer, because right now I need it!!

...still no plans have been made

I’m sorry to say that they probably have been made. Your ex is not planning to involve you in the naming decision or invite you to the birth. I wouldn’t want a man I was no longer in an intimate relationship with watching me at my most vulnerable while I gave birth.

Your ex says she felt ‘bullied’ by you. It sounds like you have tried to make her do what you wanted without regard for her thoughts or feelings. Just because your opinion makes logical sense to you does not mean it is the only correct option. Whether your behaviour is due to autism or not, if I was looking at 18 years of co-parenting with an inflexible, insistent and demanding man I wouldn’t be trying to involve him.

You aren't being selfish, you aren't wrong that this is a difficult situation.

However you are 100% wrong that you have any right to be at your ex's medical appointments, including midwife and antenatal appointments. Up to and including the birth. Moral and legal rights differ. Your child has a right to see you though and have a relationship. But during the first few months the baby will need his or her mum. And yes, you may struggle to see the child as much as you would like.

Asserting your rights and opinions constantly will hinder your chances. You might think you know best about prams and scans but you don't have an equal vote. Keep quiet and only fight the important point; to see your child when he or she is here. Don't fight any other points.

I agree with the others, you've got no right to be at your ex's medical appointments (including the birth). She's the one giving birth so her opinion about who is there is the only opinion that should matter.

It's also her choice if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It doesn't matter how rational or reasonable her decision seems to you - again, it's her opinion that matters (likewise if you didn't want to be with her).

I'm not sure who gets to decide the baby's name if the parents disagree. I'd think it would be the mother but could be wrong.

Regarding seeing your child when they're born, it's in the best interests of the child to have a good relationship with both parents so I'd think the courts would back you up on visitation if your ex was unreasonable and it came down to that. You would have to be prepared for little and often in the early days though, and for it to be a while before you get overnights - babies need a primary caretaker (usually their mother if she's able) when they are small.

If the baby is exclusively breastfed, you will have to wait until that ends for overnight visits. That is in the best interests of the child.

I get it’s not a spectator sport, but my argument is that her mum isn’t the parent of the baby and why should I have to miss out on the birth of my child?

Have you shared this opinion with your ex?

If you were that bothered about baby's last name then you should have married their mother.

If living together is important why were you trying for a baby with someone you don't even live with?

Lots of contrasting information. Things which are "important" now but clearly weren't before so to your ex, yes, you probably have changed. You have no right to dictate anything and trying to start once she's pregnant is actually a red flag.

You fucked up. Accept it.
You have pretty much no "rights" so settle down, be present when invited to and stop making demands.

I echo PPs when I say that you have no rights to be at any midwife appointments. Your ex is being very fair by letting you attend the scans (she doesn't have to, nor does she have to let you attend the birth). I don't understand why you were planning a DC with a woman who still lives with her DM? How long were you together? There are reasons (mainly legal protections for all parties) that mean it is more sensible to get married before having DC. IMO you never really know someone until you live with them either. And re overnights - if she is breastfeeding then you will not get overnights for the first year, but should be able to visit and see baby far more than EOW.
I will say though that if this was planned, and you were truly happy, then this change of heart (her leaving you) may be hormone driven. I'm currently pregnant and have suffered bad pregnancy anxiety (never had any MH issues before pregnancy) and have thoughts about leaving my DH (who I adore) and whether I actually wanted this baby (who was a hugely longed for baby through infertility who is already my world). I got help. Because I knew this wasn't 'me' but it would've been very easy for me to walk away at one point. Give her space until after the birth, but maybe don't burn your bridges!

Yes, you are being selfish. You are also incredibly naive about birth and babies. Not unusual amongst first-time parents to be but also true and affecting your judgement.

For instance OF COURSE you're not going to get overnight visits for the first six months of the baby's life (and more), especially if the mother is breastfeeding (but even if not). Even when living in the same house, being very hands-on, fathers often feel a bit useless in the early months, because of BFing. Lack of involvement specifically in the first six months was not the crucial issue in your (lack of) relationship with your father.

And OF COURSE you can't go to your ex's medical and midwife appointments. They are her appointments. She is the patient. They are her apportunity to talk confidentially to medical staff about her medical needs and experiences.

And what do you think a birth partner is for? They exist to support the mother and are chosen by her for this purpose. That is all.

If you cared so much about living together and the baby's surname, you should have married before trying to conceive. What on earth were you doing TTC while living separately?

Yes you will a relationship with the child and yes, building this will mostly folllow when the baby is a little bit older.

You have a financial obligation towards the baby, fulfilled by paying child support to the mother. That is because of biology, so the existence of the child. Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing whatsoever to do with seeing that baby. That's a completely separate issue. I take it you're fully on board with that, have done the calculations and are ready to start payments straight away following the birth?

Fundamentally OP, are you able to understand that the baby's best interests and your wishes are two entirely separate things? That may not coincide sometimes and that can even conflict?

Your post is all about you and your preferences.

It sounds to me that she didn't want what you wanted. She wanted a baby. You wanted a family.
Without knowing the ins and outs that is the situation you are in.
There is little you can do to change that. She holds almost all of the cards really. She registers the birth unless she wants you on the birth certificate so gets to choose the name.

Hi OP, my fiancé is on the spectrum so I understand where you are coming from, whilst mindful that everyone is different.

From experience, I’ve found my fiancé’s traits harder to ‘deal with’ whilst pregnant which I’m assuming is down to the hormones, lack of sleep and general irritability! Normally I am able to acknowledge his thoughts and take the time to discuss them with him so that he understands how I/others may interpret a situation. This has been harder of late which has caused friction for both of us. It also makes him come across that it’s his feelings which are more important at times. His feelings are absolutely valid but at the moment mine are ‘more important’ and I need him to support me with mine. I would wonder whether your ex has found the same difficulty as she’s now pregnant?

You need to accept her choices (even if you feel they are the wrong ones) and respect her wishes. By doing that you are more likely to get favourable outcomes with respect to her and the baby. Yes in an ideal world she’d live with you, you’d be at the birth, baby would have your surname. But at the moment the situation isn’t like an ideal world and you need to respect her choices. The more you try and bring the situation back to ‘ideal’ the further away it may become.

One of my fiancé’s traits is that he can’t drop something when he feels he’s right, and that’s been the source of some arguments since I’ve been pregnant because from a neuro typical perspective it’s hard to understand why he can’t drop something that is not useful and causing arguments, especially when pumped full of hormones that are not in my control.

Have you tried asking if there is anything that she wants for the baby that you could buy? Specifically something new from the shop? (I wanted everything new for this baby as it’s our first because to me it feels safer and cleaner and we are in a financial position to be able to do so. Yes it has cost more money but I feel less anxious and we have had fun going shopping together rather than trawling Facebook and eBay. It also means we have a warantee for everything should the pram break etc.). It would be a positive first step to show that you have listened to her needs for things to be new.

It must seem unfair that you have so little say in what is an exciting time in your life. I'm always conscious that my OH feels like he can bond with our baby whilst I am pregnant. I know he has worried about bonding with her, but I don't think he needs to worry any more.

I don't believe that just cos i carry this child that we choose to make together that i have all the (moral) rights/say in things. I have the last word and make the ultimate choice, but he has a voice that I respect and listen to.

However, as you and your child's mother have separated this is harder and frankly it's just one of those things that is a little unfair due to biology, and you can do little about. The child is tied to the mother (quite literally). It's her right to decide in the end what makes her more comfortable. I do not know how I'd feel about an ex being with me at the birth. It's a very intimate and intense time where you're vulnerable. You broke up for a reason, whatever your opinion on that is. You have perhaps a moral right to be there after the birth and see and welcome your child. But that ball is still in her court.

Whilst there should be some discussion about the upbringing of your child in the future, if she didn't want you at medical appointments that's her choice. Besides, antenatal appointments really are boring and there is zero point in the bloke attending. The mw prefer to see the mother alone. I never took my OH with me. Perhaps if I had a consultant appt I might have if the health of our child was in question. But then that would only be because we are together.

As for her buying a £1000+ buggy I'm assuming it's with her money or mum's money? You know when you have a new baby you just want the best things. And cheap crap isn't always economical either as should last longer and at the end will be able to re-sell it as well. I got some second hand stuff for my upcoming baby such as a bed side crib as i wasn't about to spend £200 on something that lasts 6 months. But we did spend more on the big cot because we want it to last us a while and not get some cheap flimsy thing we'd have to replace. And though i looked at 2nd hand cos they were all kinds yucky tbh. Chewed, dirty, cheap and falling apart.

Perhaps you need to have an open discussion with your ex how you can go forward as joint parents. You are aware of how your autism may affect your POV. So you are at least self aware enough that perhaps how you come across may be perceived differently by your ex than you intend.

Make an effort to listen. Just cos you see something one way doesn't mean she will agree. You need to foster a relationship with her that will enable you to co-parent. If she thinks you won't respect her wishes or that you want to enforce this or that she might be less inclined.

So quit going on about the cost of items, unless she's expecting you to she'll or for all of them. And find a compromise.

Forget the surname issue. Quit bringing it up is probably annoying. Also, times are changing. Not every child will take the father's name even if married. It really is not an important issue. Perhaps it does seem more important to you especially as you are no longer together and you wish to impart something onto your child's identity. I get that, but it still isn't important.

It's hard as a separated parent. But it is what it is.

As a woman... You do start feeling very protective. You'll curl your defenses around yourself and if you feel someone is trying to break in then the defences will just get harder.

Check how you may be coming across. Relax your views. Just want to be there for the baby when they arrive. Everything else is meaningless. Accept it will be difficult for the initial few months. It'll seem unfair but unless you are a seahorse is something you can't exactly share. Even the couple's who are together...

Let your ex relax and trust you. Foster a positive rather than combative relationship. For that you may have to compromise your views.