Please help, advice urgently needed

[Sadbeyonddescription123]

I have found myself in a really difficult situation. On finding I was pregnant my now ex-partner initially ended our relationship and then became very threatening. He was clear that if I didn’t end the pregnancy I would be facing a very difficult future where he would ensure that I would suffer. Due to the nature of his threats, and I suspect from the reactions of police, a history of similar behaviour to at least one other partner, this has now come to the attention of local services In the form of a MARAC. This means that my family and I are now assessed to be at high risk of harm from him. I have struggled to decide whether or not to progress with the pregnancy or not but despite several counselling appointments with an abortion clinic I have found myself very depressed and unable to make the final steps needed to book a termination- this is compounded by the fact that I am now 14 weeks pregnant which feels so late to me I am horrified at the prospect of having to end things. I had come to a stage where I intended to go ahead with my pregnancy when a midwife recently informed me that due to the high risk nature of my relationship with baby’s father, a social services referral would be made for the unborn child and my other children if I went ahead. While I am confident that I am doing all I can to protect my children (planning to move out of the area, blocked all contact with ex, regularly attending mental health and GP appointments) and know my children are well looked after, I am terrified that a referral of this kind would mean that my children’s father may need to be involved/ informed. My relationship with my children’s father was also abusive and our separation led to over 2 years in court. A contact arrangement is now in place and Handovers are done by my parents so that I do not have to come into contact with him. If he were to become involved, as I was told is possible, I am terrified this information would be used against me, likely leading to more court and him gaining greater access to the children (they already struggle with the existing, limited contact) or worse still him gaining custody if I am considered to be putting them at risk. I spoke to a lady I have been working with through a local domestic abuse charity and she said I was doing all I could to minimise risk and that it was not me, but babies father who posed the risk- as such it would be unlikely that any issues should come up with regards to my ability to care and safeguard However, she felt that as there was a high likelihood that, due to the high risk nature of the case, a social worker would be involved it might be the case that my children’s father would be informed of their involvement. To me, this places my existing children at risk and so very reluctantly I am again having to consider termination. The midwife and GP told me that as the threats from ex were specific to ending the pregnancy, if there was no pregnancy the risk would be considered to be significantly reduced and no social services involvement would be needed?! In short, if I do what he wants I can protect my existing children. Can anyone please tell me how likely is is that a social worker would have to inform my children’s father of our circumstances? If this is a certainty I feel I have no choice but to terminate my pregnancy for the sake of my other children. Please don’t judge my situation, I already feel so stupid for finding myself in this situation but I truly believed my new partner was a good person prior to this- it is only in hindsight that I have come to let myself acknowledge all the warning signs I missed.

Hiya, I work in social work but I'm not an expert on this. I am assuming from what you have said that your existing children have a different father and your pregnancy is a different man. Both have been abusive. The father of your existing children does see them, you don't say if this is supervised or not, however I assume it has been deemed safe for him to have some sort of contact with them. I am going to assume he has parental responsibility for them (because he has contact through court).

I think it is going to be really difficult for anyone on here to say how this could end up because there are so many factors and it depends on the details of the threats, what the father of your unborn pregnancy does and doesn't do , the contact arrangements for your other children etc. I can see situations where the other children's father would need to be told. For example if, god forbid, the father of your pregnancy bumped into you on the street and assaulted you with your kids there and one of the kids was hurt - their Dad would probably need to know. Or if you had to flee to a shelter very quickly with all your children and he needed to know what was happening with his kids. You can ask social workers not to tell the father of your other children and explain why. They may well agree with you. However I think their starting point would be to tell him of some things, because he does have rights to know about what is happening with his children. They would only not tell him if they thought this put the children at risk. I don't think they would consider increased contact arrangements a risk, because that would have to be decided through a court arrangement and would only be done if it was in the children's best interests. The reasons they would not tell him would be things like if he might pass on information to the other father which would make it easier for that father to find you and hurt you.

I think you are getting ahead of yourself a bit and making a big leap from thinking that telling him would lead to him getting more contact or custody. It is a totally different thing - making him aware of risks posed to his children and him getting to look after them more. If the children don't want more contact and they are safe with you, I can't see why contact arrangements would have to change. However I don't think anyone can guarantee that. What if you were seriously injured by the father of the pregnancy (again, god forbid) and the children needed somewhere to stay for a few days - their father may be considered an option. This could be the case just because of an accident though, doesn't relate to the pregnancy.

I don't think you can be 100% certain about how all this will play out. But please remember that other things could happen in life which could change the situation with your other children's father. You could get ill, or he could - that might change where the children spend their time. The children might for some reason want to see him more, or less. Other people could come in and out of your lives who might make things safer or less safe with either of you, that could change things. I think you are in a very difficult situation. I fully understand you want to protect your existing children and a termination would give you certainty about this situation, right now. However you will probably find other things that happen in the future could impact on the arrangements between your children and their father and you won't be able to control them all. What if you terminate but your most recent ex still makes threats and the other father has to be told anyway? ( I know you've said they don't think this will happen because it is the pregnancy which is the issue). I sound like I am trying to convince you to keep the baby, I'm not especially, but it sounds like you don't want the termination and you are panicking about all the possibles and what ifs. I wouldn't want you to terminate because you have jumped to a conclusion about something which might happen but is very unlikely - especially because other things could happen in future. Have you had counselling about it?

Please remember that the courts should not give him more contact or custody without a carefully thought through, evidenced process and you will be able to explain your worries if it ever came to that. These decisions wont be taken lightly.

If a referral has been made could you ring and speak to a social worker and try and find out what approach they are taking?

Thank you. I have considered ringing my local children’s services anonymously to see if they could offer advice but am worried about drawing attention to myself. My children’s father is aware of the identity and address of this baby’s father and already I am concerned that they may attempt to contact one another at some point. They both live in the same town which is another reason why I am desperately trying to move. It is, to me, likely that my most recent ex may try to contact my children’s father to find out whether I chose to continue the pregnancy or not.
The court eventually decided that there were no safeguarding concerns surrounding my children having unsupervised contact with their father but acknowledged my fear of him and allowed me to continue to have no contact with him. I obviously continue to have significant reservations regarding their safety when with him but these concerns were not deemed serious enough to prevent contact.

This all feels like such a mess, I just want to do the right thing for my family but I am so worn down that I feel incapable of coming to a calm, reasoned choice. My heart desperately wants to keep my baby but my head is fully aware of all the potentially negative consequences- I know my priority has to be my existing children, they have already been through so much. I just want to find a way to make both the baby and my other children’s safety possible but this seems impossible to guarantee.
If I was seen to be following all guidance to keep my children safe is it still common practice to inform their dad- I could understand the need to if there was an incident that made this necessary or if I had chosen to stay in a dangerous relationship but to do so when I have done everything asked of me seems to be a real breach of my right to confidentiality- particularly when it could cause so much extra disruption for our family. I am sorry to go on, this situation feels so out of hand- I wish I had never disclosed the threats made to me as everything seems to have spiralled from there. Thank you for you help.

You ask "is it common practice to inform their dad". I think this will vary a bit between places. It does depend on how much of a risk your ex is actually presenting to the children (as opposed to you). Where I work, I would say if there are current serious concerns about a child's safety or risk to them, social workers would want to speak to both parents. You would have to have quite a good reason not to. This is is assuming neither parent is deemed a risk, this wouldn't put the kids at risk etc. At the same time a social worker would need to be mindful of breaching your confidentiality and that of the unborn child (because your other children's father has no rights over that child). The social worker should be open with you about what they will say and I think it is reasonable of them to listen to your concerns. Other areas might be different. I know some social workers have been criticised for not involving fathers or not trying hard enough to speak to them. In some areas it might be less common to do this. This website has a bit of information about what information the children's father could get access to -

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/access-to-information/

I do want to say I don't work with children in social work, but I'm in an associated role where I know a bit about it, I also know different social services departments have different "cultures" in terms of how they respond to things. So it is hard to say definitely what will happen and what is common practice where you are. Perhaps some others can advise.

Please keep talking to those supporting you, like the domestic abuse charity. I think you did the absolute right thing disclosing the threats. Cases go to MARAC because there are concerns about safety. Your safety and the children's safety is the most important thing. Please look after yourself, it's hard to make decisions when you are scared and there are all those pregnancy hormones. There probably isn't a right decision here, both have positive and negative consequences. You have to weigh them up and work out which side feels best. Maybe make a list of the options and good and bad points. Whatever happens you had a difficult decision to make, don't blame yourself for that. Get some rest, give yourself as much time as you can and ask for any help you can. Good luck.