Stillbirth and how to supoort a friend/family

[Jellybeans20]

Hi,

My friend has just had a premature stillbirth and had a miscarriage earlier in the year. I want to support her during this time. What is an appropriate thing to say in a message and how are ways I can help her?
I'm very sad for her and concerned about how she is

I wouldn't know what to say but I am telling you what you shouldn't say:

Any sentence that involves having now an angel
Saying that she will have another one
Mentioning any type of statistics
Saying that maybe it is better like this as the baby was probably sick

All these things were said to me when I lost a baby at 22 weeks who was alive for only 5 minutes.

The only thing you can say is how sorry you are that this has happened and you’ll support her in whatever way she’d like. How close are you normally?

When my mother lost my sister (died in the womb and then delivered through induced labour), we got tons of flowers and lovely notes etc from friends and family - all of which we have kept in a “memory box”.

But I think what was really helpful was practical help. Express how sorry you are and ask her to let you know if there’s anything helpful you can do - picking up shopping, bringing round some precooked dinners, sorting out their laundry or offering to pay for a laundry service (if you can afford it) etc. Look after other children if she has them. And if you feel able to, say you’re there if she wants to talk about the baby.

(As an aside, my mum found SANDS unbelievably helpful and supportive to support her in her grieving process).

@LeGrandBleu so sorry to hear that people were so insensitive with your loss

@LeGrandBleu sorry to hear that I dont know what possesses people to come out with things like that.

OP I would just say something along the lines of "you are in our thoughts (or prayers if you and they are religious)" or "please let us know anything we can do to help you through this difficult time"

Let her know that you are thinking of her. People not acknowledging how hard a stillbirth is has made me feel very lonely. If you can try to ask how they are feeling as time goes on too.

I wouldn't know where to start I'm so sorry but what I have found on here is people (some) like people to ask if the baby is named. It's the acknowledgement that although they were only here for a short time. They were still here x

I agree RE: what not to say. Nothing along the lines of 'everything happens for a reason', 'will you try again?' etc etc. For the near future, avoid any talk of future pregnancy, even though there is a high chance your friend will go on and have a perfectly healthy baby, now isn't the time to mention it.

Tell your friend that you are thinking of her (don't forget the dad too if he's involved, a lot of people forget the dads pain), and ask if the baby has a name. Let her know (if you are comfortable with this) that if she ever wants to talk about the baby or what happened, you are there.

Maybe send flowers?

Another not to say is 'everything happens for a reason' I lost a baby a few years ago at 16 weeks and this saying did not help. Just be there in person for her she will be going through hell for the next few months and this will stay with her for the rest of her life. Remember the anniversary and each year talk to her about it.

Remember the anniversary and each year talk to her about it.

I would be guided by your friend on that.

Someone who had been through this described it to me like this:
Imagine you have been given a really heavy suitcase and you had to carry with you everyday and everywhere, and were never allowed to put it down, that’s what it feels like. Eventually you get used to the burden and weight, but it’s size never changes.
Be kind, which I am sure you will be, and remember their loss in the years to come.

Ask her if she has any photos of the baby and tell her beautiful the baby is. So many people won't know how to talk to her now and its very difficult but she will want her baby acknowledged.

Just be there for her it's okay to say you don't know what to say to her but your so sorry etc, my friend went through similar and in time I named a star after him for her

How about giving her a copy of Elle Wright's book Ask Me His Name? I haven't read it myself but I would imagine that a grieving mother would find solace in reading someone else's words about baby loss, someone who has experienced similar.

“I’m so sorry this has happened to you” is a good place to start. Asking the baby’s name and if they have any photos they would feel comfortable to show you. Offers of practical help e.g. cooking a meal, doing some washing/ironing, getting some shopping. Asking open questions e.g. how are you feeling today and then really listening to the answer and giving her space to open up and talk if she wants to. “Would you like some company today?” is another good question.

SANDS have some excellent resources.

@putpledaises yes of course as everyone's different I just know I appreciated others remembering too :)

I have been through this. I don’t want hear how there’s a better place, how they were too precious for this world, how I have an angel. To be honest the only thing I wanted to hear was it was okay to talk and that my friends and family would listen. If I needed anything or wanted to do anything in remembrance to let them know and they’d sort it. Sometimes I just needed a hug xx

And I agree with the PPs. Write down the date, and in the future, send a small text on the day. For me, it was 18 years ago, DH has completely forgotten about it, but a dear friend sends me a text every year with love to me and Baby name.
I also like the sorry this has happened to you.

Time will heal the pain, but don't say that yet. One day, it won't be the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up or the last when she goes to sleep.
It is hard, it is unfair. it is incredibly painful, and the loss of a baby at whatever stage of the pregnancy isn't properly recognised.

I am so sorry for the delayed response everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your personal stories and advice. Please accept my apologies and let me know if I have said anything inappropriate.

@LeGrandBleu I'm sorry for your loss and I'm very sorry those things were said to you. I agree with what not to say. Thank you for those tips.

@PurpleDaisies We are there for each other but don't hang out as family on a regular basis. We were closer before marriage. Thank you for your message. This is what I ended up saying to her.

@paddingtonbearsmarmalade
Thank you. These are great suggestions to offer help. The memory box is a great way you have treasured the memory of your sister.

@RhymingRabbit3 thank you. Great suggestion. They are not religious but can alter words to suit.

@Bluebelltulip Yes you are so right. Society rarely acknowledges and almost completely forget after a live child is born is what I've noticed. Why? Is it perhaps because it is one of the most painful types of grief? I can't imagine not being able to communicate how much someone was loved and wanted :(. Thank you for sharing.

@PixieDustt Thank you. If she shows interest in speaking, I will definitely ask.

@Mylittlerainbow You are very right regarding the "everything happens for a reason". It kind of ignores what people are going through.
I will remember to include the dad. Thank you for the tip. They get overlooked a lot. Flowers is also a great idea.

@Jesskir89
Great idea. I wouldn't know what to say every year but if I get the sense she is comfortable, just a heart text.

@PurpleDaisies Culturally, unfortunately this situation doesn't get the same commemoration as a passing by a person that breathed in this world in their culture. So, i'm going to watch carefully to see whether she would welcome annual texts on the day. What would you look out for as tell-tale signs? People may name a child but still not want texts. It probably is something I should ask her openly at a later date if the situation gives rise to that kind of conversation? Thank you

@Usingmyindoorvoice :'( :'( this is very sad and thank you for sharing this.

@Delbelleber thank you. The photos is a great way to acknowledge.

@gumdrop2 That is a very sweet gesture to name a star.

@LifeIsAnArt Thank you for the suggestion. A personal account I can imagine may be helpful to read. Sad but helpful. I am going to keep an eye out for how she is grieving firstly.

@Darkstar4855 Thank you. This is exactly what I have done as a first step. I am not assuming comfortability or the route she wants to take at this stage because it's still very early and things can change. The SANDS resource is excellent too. I had a read through their facebook page and liked it. I haven't passed it on yet. If they have a greeting card I can write in which has their details that would be a good way to pass the information. Otherwise, I'll wait.

@MrsFoxPlus4Again thank you for your realistic advice. I'm very sorry for your loss. I will offer to help out if there's anything she would like to do in remembrance. That is a good idea.

@LeGrandBleu Im so sorry for your loss. That is very sweet of your friend to message you every year. I agree with you that pregnancy loss is not properly acknowledged.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am sorry that it has taken me a while to get back to you. Some of the replies I have sent were after I contacted my friend and some before. So apologies if some of the replies don't make sense above. I called her and listened to her. I will be visiting her and where appropriate some of the above tips on providing additional support will be very useful.
Thank you again and I'm very sorry for your loss.
This type of grieving is very heartbreaking for me to think about and I cant imagine how it would be. So many what ifs and not being able to look into the eyes of a person you love and let them know is -- heartbreaking.