Is anyone else pregnant when your mum/dad is no longer alive?

[ChickenNugget86]

I've been on the baby forum for the past few months learking around and doing a few posts. Thanks for all the threads it's been helpful.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby due early May.

I deep down have always wanted to be a mum myself but put it off once my mum passed away suddenly. I was only 18 when she died and my adult life was just starting out. I was very close to her and still lived at home. I went on to marry my bf at the time and we are having our first baby together now after 12 years together.

I always knew it would be difficult without her and that I'd likely grieve. It's been 10 years since her death and I have managed to finish college, work, rent a flat, get mortgage, engaged, married etc.. All the normal adult things which I have done by myself. Sometimes it has been difficult but I've pulled myself together.

I was always worried about having a baby as my friends birth stories scared the shit out of me. Then it's the money side of things as I don't earn much.... Normal worries people have.

I am still in a bubble and feel very lucky to have got pregnant very quickly. We decided to go for it and try for a year and if it didn't happen see a GP. Even though I am being sick most days and have pregnancy symptoms it still doesn't feel real to me.

I'm really struggling without my mum though it's very painful and I'm re grieving all over again. I should be happy that I'm becoming a mum myself but feel so shit. None of my friends know what it's like as they have their mums to help all the time and I don't have any family member I'm close too. My mums death destroyed my family. Although I've told them I'm pregnant they don't really ask how I am. Fair enough I'm a big girl and nearly 30 but I know my mum would be checking in on me and doing what mum's do.

My husband is amazing and I should be enjoying this time but now I'm thinking I've made a bad mistake and that I'll be a rubbish mum and not be able to cope.

My hormones are playing tricks with me and all I want is my mum... Is there anyone else who has had a child without their mum/dad??

Just feel like I have no one that understands my situation and how I feel

Thanks for listening x

My mum was 44 when she had me. I was almost 38 (and had been married for 16 years) when my son was born in late 2011. My mother passed away in 2009, my father in 2003.

We emigrated to Canada in early 2011 (I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time). Both sides of the family still in the UK.

Very much just the two of us!

I'm not pregnant but went through this 5 years sago when I had my DD.

My mum committed suicide when I was 21 and my dad died 7 years later after years of being very ill from heart failure.

You will get through this, you will be sad sometimes, there will be bittersweet moments when you are thinking of your future child or looking at your new baby, feeling such love and also regret and sadness that they will never meet your parents and your parents won't meet them.

But you will get through this, and you will have and raise your amazing baby. You'll tell them stories about when you were a kid, and the silly, funny, lovely things your parents did with you.

You'll bring back traditions you remember your parents did with you. You'll show them photos and laugh together about your strange hair style or old fashioned clothes.

I hope that you find, like I have that while there are moments of sadness, overwhelmingly life is filled with joy and laughter and the utter randomness that comes with having children, like finding yourself saying " please stop licking the floor honey, it's not nice", and the sadness is just a very small part of it.

My mum died about six months before I got pregnant. It ended up being twins, things went wrong, ended up in nicu for two months and they both have disabilities. It is brutal at times not having my mum, she would have been amazing with them. Haven’t had any contact with my dad for over 20 years and DH’s mum is mostly awol. Sometimes it’s so hard but you find a way through it.

I lost my mother when I was 10 years old.
When she died, my little family sort of fell apart.
All I wanted once I grew up was to have my own family. I got my wish when I married very young (19) and had my first child at age 21.
I had moved away 750 from my father but it didn't really matter because we were just so far removed from each other once Mom had died.

I did okay as a young mother and I did it all being so far away from others (my in-laws also lived 750 miles away) and soon after, I split up from my husband and I was a single mother. I navigated single parenthood okay and I later, I fell in love again with another man and I moved to England to marry him. He is my husband of 24 years and the father of my two other children.

My youngest is a daughter and I was 30 years old when I had her. I completely and totally fell apart with grief when I had her. I had 20 years of grief inside of me that completely consumed me once I had that little girl. I was unbearably sad and so badly wished my mother was alive to see her. I named her after my mother (and father) and it just hit me so hard that I was navigating a life without her guidance. I just suddenly felt so far removed from my family, my country, my culture, my...everything. It was just so awful. We ended up moving back to my country a few years later.

My oldest child made me a grandmother in 2012 (I was 42) and the grief was truly immense again because I had lost my father in 2011. He would have loved to have met his great grandchildren and at that time, we were bridging our distance. It has been eight years since his passing and I just feel so much longing for him and my mother.

It simply doesn't ever get easier OP. Some days it's okay but other days, it is truly unbearable.

I am nearly 50 and it has been 38 years since I last uttered the words, "mom" and sometimes I forget my Dad isn't alive and I'll call his phone number to have a chat.

Right now, I am going through the most challenging times with my oldest son and I miss my parents more and more every single day and I realize that I am on my own. I can't say anything more than, "it fucking sucks!"

I am sure that this isn't what you want to hear or read but it's real. I just wanted you to know that there are people around that truly do understand and I, for one, am here and totally understand.

Btw, chickennugget86 (OP)--

If you're up to it, there is a book that I felt really made me feel as though someone else felt the way I did. It's called, "Motherless Daughters".
If you are on FB, there is a group called, "Motherless Daughters" that have women from all over the world who have experienced what you have gone through and would be more than happy to support you.

I had my second child after my mum died. My dad had remarried and moved away. I managed fine although I wish she could have been there. I really really wish she was here now as I am a single mum and find it very tough alone. However, I’ve managed and you will too

My mum died when I was 19. I wasn’t with my partner when she was alive so she never met him. I’m due today and it would have been my mums birthday tomorrow so I’m praying baby decides to be born tomorrow as it would be so special. He is being lazy though and no sign of him yet!

I get myself upset when I think about my mum not meeting him but I also know how much she would love him and how happy she would be for me.

We don’t get on with my partners family but I have some amazing friends who are mums themselves and I can go to them with any questions and my dad and partner are both fab.

Feel free to message if you would like xx

I had just turned 20 when I lost my mum nearly 9 years ago. It absolutely tore my family apart and I ended up relocating after getting married.
It breaks my heart that my mum never got to meet my husband and won’t get to see our little boy grow up but get comfort knowing that there will always be a part of my mum in my child.
I’m quite lucky the my in laws are very supportive but it really isn’t the same - it’s natural to want your mum in these situations.

Thank you everyone for the comments. I was having a bad day yesterday and was really struggling. It's that time of year when you have to hear all your work colleagues Christmas plans and I hate to admit it but get quite jealous.
On tv all those adverts of happy families sitting around having dinner together. It can be painful reminder of what you used to have.

It's sad to hear so many of you lost parents but it makes me feel that I'm not alone. I've got through everything else so I'm sure I can do this. I always knew it would be difficult. I had therapy about 2 years ago as I was put off having children and I worked really hard to get myself mentally prepared. Just feel all that had work has gone to waste and I've relapsed.

I have been honest with my midwife from the start about how I feel and I have a phone call appointment next month to see what therapy they can offer. I know the waiting list for a therapist on the NHS in my area is around 11 months but get seen earlier when pregnant. I've had cbt before so hoping that can help me again.

It's so sad that when a loved one dies how it can completely change your family. I tried my best to be like my mum after she died and arrange get togethers etc... But it just didn't work. My mum's family found it all very difficult and blamed me and my dad as my mums death was sudden we had to do cpr before the ambulance arrived. My nan (mum's mum) told me we didn't do it properly. It broke my heart that she thought that. They don't even like talking about her when I'd like to hear stories.

My dad went off the rails after the death and could not cope. He turned to drink and started to spend out of control. My mum didn't have a will so everything was left to him. The house got paid off etc... But it wasn't safe to live with him. I no longer see him.

My dad's family still speak to me but its not the same. I never get invited to any events or get togethers so feel left out. If I plan to meet them they always cancel last minute.

It was only 10 years ago my family was my world and my mum kept everyone together. Just wish I had one family member that would realise the situation. I worry for my child that they'll only have myself and DH.

My in laws are alive but not very close to them and they don't seem that bothered that they are going to be grandparents. My husband was upset with their reaction.

@elp30 - thanks I am on that fb page and often read the posts however my aunt is on there so feel like I can't post

@bobble53 - good luck, how amazing would it be to share the same birthday. I hope everything goes well with the birth x