5 weeks pregnant - unplanned, unsure and emotional

[Sasha95]

Hii!

I'm after advise. Every person I've spoken to that's pregnant so far have been so excited and I've never felt more alone in all my life.

So I found out a week or so ago I'm pregnant. Approx 5 weeks. I'm an absolute emotional mess. It's a complete shock. I've been on contraception so is unplanned. I always said I would wait til in my 30s (im nearly 25).
I've been with my partner for 10 months. Hes amazing and I can say ill spend the rest of my life with him.

He already has 2 children from a previous relationship. Hes had to go through the whole court process to see them. Wasnt allowed at scans, birth etc. He missed his daughters first steps, words as their mum stopped him from seeing them hence court process, so hasn't got the greatest experience.

So I'm currently off work as I've had surgeries on my arm due to an accident, I do need more unfortunately. My partners recently started up his own business. I have my own house etc so really other than work thats the only thing that's slightly not stable.

Our relationship is strong although since finding out I think it's becoming strained. I try to speak to him about it but he just gets worked up. Hes said if he could choose he wouldn't have it. That hes not ready for another child which I appreciate. He then shuts me down. I feel like I'm on my own in all of this. He told me yesterday he feels I'm insecure and trying to trap him. That I'm in a rush. Said it's all up to me anyway. I don't want to tell anyone about the pregnancy yet, not until I have a scan at least.

I think he is just looking at all the things we cant do anymore. I get that weve not been together very long. Weve not been on holidays abroad together, he wanted to get engaged, have a few years, get married and then children in our 30s. But I've tried to tell him things dont go to plan. All he keeps mentioning is how he wants to focus on his business and how he doesn't want years of changing nappies etc.

Personally I don't know how I feel. I've mulled over both carrying on with the pregnancy and termination (please don't judge as i know theres many people anti-abortions). I just imagined this moment would be different. I imagined being excited and looking forward to scans etc but I'm filled with fear and dread. If I'm being really honest, which I know is irrational, but hes made me feel as though I'm not good enough for this. I keep trying to compare myself to his ex which I know isnt right.

I'm in tears writing this. I don't know what to do its possibly one of the hardest situations I've found myself in.

I see the midwife in 2 weeks which I'll Express everything to her but just really after some advise to keep me strong.

Thank you x

You poor thing you must be in shock and I'm sorry it's all scary - I don't blame you for feeling the way I do.

For me, it sounds like you need to think about whether you are happy to continue the pregnancy and be the primary carer / single parent for the baby once it arrives.

I don't think you can assume he will be on board and do anything more than he has to as he sounds like he will be reluctant and resentful simultaneously,

So I think your decision might need to be made on whether you are happy to go solo or not?

He is being quite cruel by the sounds of your post and certainly not someone I'd want to rely on at such a vulnerable and already scary time.

Do you have family and friends around you if you do choose to continue your pregnancy? Could you cope on either maternity from your job or on appropriate benefits for your situation?

Sorry you're going through such a stressful time

Thank you. Genuinely thought I was being irrational and overthinking all this. To be honest I haven't thought about doing it alone. I do really need to consider that as I truly think he hates me right now and will end up resenting me. If I remove him from the picture I know I'd go through with this and I know I'm strong enough to do it. I feel so weak now as all of this is dragging me down.

I have family that im really close to that would help. My moms my best friend and its killing me not telling her but I'd rather know factual with a scan, as then I know it's real and itll be easier to hand her a picture than explain if that makes sense.

I think if I terminated I'd regret it more than anything. I've tried to tell him If i could change this to happen in a couple of years i would but i cant.

I can sort maternity and I'll be able to afford it. That was actually one of my first concerns I looked at.

Thank you once again.

I think you sounds resolute, resilient and able to cope with this situation. Obviously I don't know you but I think like I said you should make a decision based on what you can cope with.

This is quite outing but I was left outside a hospital as a baby, then fostered and then (thank god) adopted. I know that having a loving family, whatever it looks like - one person, two people, birth family, adopted family - is the main thing.

Children need love and a safe environment. If you can offer that along with support of your mum (mine is my BFF too especially as she gave me a second chance from foster care!) then you make a decision based on your situation.

You sound lovely and have your head screwed on, I hope you're OK and that whatever you do you're able to enjoy it

I’m sorry I can’t offer any real advice but I didn’t want to read and run. I’ve been in your situation twice - fallen pregnant on contraception and both times I was pressured to have an abortion. It’s so painful when you feel like everyone else is happy and excited and you’ve got nobody to share your feelings. I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier - my first daughter is now 7 and her dad (my ex husband) loves her more than the world. All the drama and hurt of the unplanned pregnancy was forgotten the second she was born and has never been mentioned since.
I’m now 27 weeks pregnant with my second daughter and I can’t say my partner has come around 100% yet but he’s getting there, and I do get glimmers if excitement from him. Hopefully your partner will adjust soon and things will settle down x

Hi OP I can feel the anguish in your messages. I think what @AFairlyHardAvocado has said is very good advice. IMO your partner is displaying bullying behaviour by suggesting you fell pregnant on purpose. All of us here know- it’s just not that easy. On the other hand, I can understand his hesitation with kids after his previous experiences have not been good. If I were you I’d tell my Mum (with your relationship are you really going to not tell her for 7 more weeks until scan?! She is going to guess!) and very calmly talk to your partner. Tell him you feel that you want your baby and you are willing to do it alone if that’s what he’d prefer. Maybe then he’d feel less trapped.
If you terminate because of your partner then there will be resentment there in the future I think.

If you really want a baby now, I think you should be prepared to be a single parent. If you aren't sure, an early termination might be a good idea. You are very young still. Good luck x

Feel so sorry for the situation that you're in, also angry at your partner, i know it's scary but to leave you feeling alone like this is horrible. Please please talk to your mum, she'll be able to guess soon anyway, my mum guessed when i was 6 weeks. See if you can speak to a doctor or midwife early, but it does sound like you have your head screwed on!

Hope you're ok OP

I have been in a similar position, my partner didn't want it when I first told him, at the time it felt like he would of said anything to get me to terminate. It isnt that he is a bad guy but just wasn't ready as we haven't been seeing each other long which I agree with, but life happens. If you want this, then take away what everyone else is thinking as they won't carry the decision with them, luckily, my partner only two weeks later is already sending me names he likes and is getting excited for our early scan. But, I had decided beforehand and let him know that I was doing this with or without him, which I think really hit home and he started to accept what was happening after that. I hope this helps, be true to you xx

Oh and I agree with the following posts about sharing with your mum! Hope all works out xxx

Thank you everyone for your comments. Honestly its helped me more than you know.

I am keeping this baby. Ive really thought about this the last few days. The only reason to terminate would be to please him and I'd regret and resent him forever if I had of done this!

He knows I am doing this with or without him now. We had a rather heated discussion but it needed to be done. I have actually made him leave the house for a few days to stay with his mom. The negativity and his behaviour has been so difficult! I'm hoping during this time he realises whether he wants to be here with us or not.

Ive booked a private scan on 20th December. Ridiculously excited! I've told him about it and said to let me know as if he doesn't come I'll take my mom. I'm actually feeling so much better- baring the nausea and on off aches.

I've taken the advise. I've told both my parents and to be honest I'm so shocked, they're both over the moon and fully supportive of me. My mom unable to contain herself told my uncle too whom called me in tears of happiness which has actually given me a boost to know I'm not alone.

My midwife is calling me friday to have a chat. I left a message with the reception about how I'm doing and they've been wonderful with me. The receptionist mentioned support groups and classes that my midwife could advise on.

Again thank you all so much. I thought I was being unreasonable and irrational. It made me realise I did need my mom in this.

Hopefully now he pulls himself together and decides what he wants.

Xxx

Awww i'm so happy for you!! That little baby is going to be so loved, even if it is without the father.

I imagine your DP is a bit scared given all the crap he's had to go through with his ex and having to go through the courts etc.
Good that you've told your parents,you can't have too much support when pregnant!

@Sasha95 I’m really glad to hear you’re feeling supported by your family. I hope it all comes right with your partner x

So happy your feeling more positive, I can't believe how much telling close family can help! Hope your other half comes round! X

Just remembered your thread and wanted to say (no pressure to check in) I hope you're feeling ok, you've handled a difficult situation really well. Thinking of you and bump! And I'm so glad to hear you already have a fabulous support network and it's continuing to grow