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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

PG for first time & my mum is not excited ..........bit long

15 replies

SANA · 27/09/2004 16:12

I have always been close to my mum, being the youngest of 4 who raised us on our own after my dad died & she has done a wonderful job. I am having the first grandchild and my mums reaction has been really hurtful. I live over a 100 miles away from her and ring her daily but she just does not want to talk about the baby and over the weekend when I was visiting implied that I was being boring by talking about it all the time. She is also really reluctant to take any tme off work after the baby is born to come help and has made it clear she will take a week off only if she has to, but seems so resentful about it that I just dont feel it would be worth having her come over if she does want to, my mother in law has however after being prompted by dh has offered to come over for as long as i might need her. I get along with MIL okayish but feel if I accept her help my mum might become resentful. I have tried to discss this ith my mother but she does not want to talk about it.............the whole thing is made a lot worse by the fact that eveyone keeps asking that my mum must be over the moon about this grandchild and I have to keep pretending.....dont know what to do.

OP posts:

fabarooney · 27/09/2004 16:22

Congratulations!!!!

If your mum is not keen, don't push it. It will only stress you out and is not good for you. If she doesn't fancy coming to help when you baby is born, don't have her to stay. The last thing you need to be doing when you have a newborn is worrying about your mum. Take your MIL up on her offer, however. It will be a wonderful way for her to be involved and will strengthen your relationship. You will get lots more help from someone that wants to be with you at that time. Don't worry about your mum feeling resentful, you have given her an opportunity to be involved and she has not shown any interest. Not Your Problem if she starts feeling left out.

NomDePlume · 27/09/2004 16:32

Hi Sana

Congrats on the baby.

My Mum was also very reluctant when she found out that I was pregnant with DD. Yes, I was youngish at 19, but I was in a long term relationship (with my now DH). She hung up on me when I told her, in fact ! She was a little chilly throughout my pregnancy and she seemed to be 'forcing' any goodwill, which made me . Anyway, DD arrived healthy and happy and it did take a few weeks for my Mum to be comfortable with the idea. But now she totally adores DD.

I would agree with the 'don't force her' line of thinking. Huge hugs.

childmindersam · 27/09/2004 16:35

Strange. My mum wasnt very happy when i told her i was pregnant! I was 21, not with th efather and got told that she was upset cos she thought i was a carrer girl! It didnt matter that my 20 year old sister already had 2 kids!!!! Why are mums so strange!

BooMama · 27/09/2004 16:40

It sounds to me as if there are certain issues with your mother that maybe you are not aware of.
My mil was very reluctant to sound at all enthusiastic about my 2 pregnancies - it turned out later that she had once had quite a late miscarriage and she thought it best not to get excited till the baby was actually born.
Other reasons may include ambiguity about becoming a grandmother or concerns for your health and wellbeing.
Try and tell her how you are feeling again and hopefully she will be able to explain her attitude to you.
If still a problem just hold out for after the birth...!
Good luck!

munchkinsusie · 27/09/2004 16:48

sana - congratulations on your news!

i know how you feel. i had real problems speaking to my mum before i got pregnant about the fact that we were trying - i wanted to know any family history, that sort of stuff and she would completely change the subject. i got the message and therefore didn't tell her i was pregnant until 10weeks. i thought this would mean she would worry less and therefore be more excited. and this has come to pass. to begin with she would still avoid the subject on the phone with me but now i'm 16 weeks and she's getting excited about it and has even been knitting. it sounds to me like she has some major issues of her own to deal with at this time which she doesn't want to burden you with/tell you. just let her come round to the idea slowly. do mention it to her - eg scan went really well, would you like to see the photo's? but also make a point of having other things to discuss with her like your latest clothes shopping and diy - anything thats not baby related so you can keep your relationship on its usual basis. i'm sure she'll come round eventually and will be all excited when the big day comes.

Miaou · 27/09/2004 16:52

Sana - there may be a clue to her reaction in your post - you say that it will be your mum's first grandchild.

So she will be a "granny" for the first time. I know for a fact my mum found it very hard to come to terms with. It put her in a different generation, from her point of view, even the word made her feel elderly. Particularly as she was the first one of her friends to become a gran.

I was lucky that my mum was able to put it into perspective and we were able to talk about how she felt - she did feel guilty about it and it took a while for her to admit it.

Could this be what's happening with your mum?

Original poster

SANA · 27/09/2004 16:58

Thats the strange thing about it, i am 31, have been married for over 5yrs, my mum adores my dh, we have our own home, secure jobs and having a baby just seems the natural next step. Admittedly my mum does have unresolved issues from her past, she had no help raisng us & worked really hard to make ends meet, shes not close to her own mum and as she has got older she just seems bitter about her life, shes also in the last year lost interest in most things except her job & watching tv, its really hard to have a conversation with her and I really miss the way she use to be, shes just not interested..........sometimes I feel as if i am being really harsh & then feel really guilty. I dont talk about my problems with my mum with dh as his mother always seems to be there for him and I just feel so disloyal. I feel I need her most now but cant say it because I feel this will drive her away even further.

OP posts:

BooMama · 27/09/2004 17:37

Poor you. It sounds like your mum may be a bit depressed. Has she been through the menopause yet?
It's very difficult when you need help from someone when they don't feel in a position to give it.
There's obviously not much you can do about the pregnancy so I would just sit back and enjoy it. With time hopefully things will improve.

sweetkitty · 27/09/2004 20:17

sana - congratulations

my mum wasn't very happy when I told her Xmas day I was pregnant even though I was 28 at the time, I live 470 miles away from her and she said it was not the same she would never see this grandchild etc she was also disappointed when I told her it was a girl (she thinks boys are better for some reason) anyway when DD arrived she turned into the model granny, travelled all the way to see her (she said she wouldn't) and has bought her loads.

Maybe your mum will be the same when she first holds her grandchild her heart will melt.

aloha · 27/09/2004 20:35

Sana, don't get depressed or upset about this. My mum actually changed the subject when I told her I was pregnant (married, aged 37)! I didn't really talk about being pregnant at all with her yet from the second ds was born she hasn't been able to keep away. She worships him, she really does. Looks after him 2/3 mornings a week, sees him every sunday and they are very, very close. She thinks he is the most beautiful, charming, intelligent, amazing child ever born (which of course, he is ) Like your mother, my mum had a hard time. she was very unhappily married - miserable really - and felt totally trapped and lost her career as a dancer and it was hard for her. My brother was also a very, very difficult child and a troubled adult, which didn't help. I can imagine her fears for me, but the minute ds arrived in all his chubby glory, all that was totally blown away. She loves him totally unconditionally and is as obsessed with him as I am. A real baby is always very different to a theoretical one. Don't jump to any conclusions until after your baby arrives.

aloha · 27/09/2004 20:38

And it does sound as if she is depressed. A baby may help her find another interest in life. My mum has a very full life, but ds is her passion!

Original poster

SANA · 28/09/2004 11:33

Thank you all of u, i thought I was the only one with a mum who was showing no interest, fingers crossed this will change once d is born, I am not going to broach this subject with her anymore and stop talking about my pgnancy with her!! what will b will be and I think i will stop worrying about this when I have no control over it.

OP posts:

Blu · 28/09/2004 12:14

Is she jealous because you have so many things in place that she had to do without, and it's bringing it all back to her? Lots of praise and acknowledgement for what she did? Also, it can be hard to celebrate other people's happiness if you are feeling unhappy yourself.

I could talk to my Mum about everything about the baby - except breast-feeding - she had never been able to feed us herself, and took no interest in knowinh how i was getting on etc etc.

Enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster

SANA · 28/09/2004 13:27

Blu- I dont think she is jealous but she does go on a bit about how hard things were for her in her days which I acknowledge and I always tell her how well she has done, I know things are easier for me then they were for her but I cant change that. I think maybe she thinks this is her time to relax that she has done enough and I intend to let her do that after all I can always rely on MNers to come to my rescue with all my silly concerns

OP posts:

wild · 28/09/2004 14:13

My father was so disappointing when I told him about ds. He had a bit of a cold and was quite grumpy when we phoned and I asked how he was, dreadful, so would hearing you are about to be a grandad for the first time cheer you up, not really!
He carried on like this during pregnancy abt not wanting to be called 'grandad' but by his Christian name etc (he's 70 btw)
Now ds is 2 and you could not get a more doting 2-way relationship. This story is just to let you know things can change. Your mum sounds a bit isolated, and life may be hard for her atm. Maybe she needs a relationship with your child 'in the flesh' before she can let go and start to love him/her. I know it must be disappointing for you cos your pregnancy is so exciting and you want her involved, but people don't always react as we expect they would/should and while it's a pity, don't let it spoil your enjoyment of this time in your life, the best is yet to come. Having children is such a wonderful thing wish you lots of happiness with yours

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