Advice needed

[Kezmum14]

Hello :)
I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago and my partner is telling me he will leave me if I keep the baby. There is no way I’d be able to have an abortion and I’ve already made my mind up that I’m keeping the baby but I have such uncontrollable guilt that by choosing to keep the baby I am choosing for my other children to grow up without their Daddy. I don’t know what to do about this umbrella of sadness that is over me all day every day. I’m spending most of my days off in bed crying feeling sick (morning sickness). Then my partner comes home and tells me off for not keeping on top of things like the washing and cleaning. I just have no idea how to pull myself together and get on with things. I’ve not told anybody about the pregnancy yet as I’m so embarrassed that I’m also going to have to say that my partner is leaving because I’m keeping the baby.

Hi @Kezmum14,

I'm so sorry to hear about how you are feeling but please remember it's not you making the decision it's your partner. You have already said you do not wish to have the abortion so put the decision back onto his shoulders. Is there a reason why he doesn't want this child ?

Thank you.
The timing isn’t great. We split up in September - he left saying he wasn’t happy. This was the first time he has moved out in 7 years. He came back after about 10 days and now I’m pregnant - it’s a big shock for both of us but even at the beginning of September he was asking when my cut off would be to have another so although not great timing it’s not like we hadn’t discussed adding to our family. The split was a massive shock too and I have thought that maybe he is having a tough time at the moment in life. He is always affected by the darker nights and is prone to being grumpy and miserable this time of year. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I also feel guilty that I’m not giving the man I love any say in whether I have his baby. Although I am okay raising this baby alone and without his financial support I still feel awful about all these things x

was you using contraception? if not I dont see how you can possibly feel bad about not giving him any say as pregnancy will be possible any time you have unprotected sex (and not all methods are 100 percent anyway)

No we don’t use contraception but I do use an app to keep track of ovulation/periods, which has worked successfully for 5 years. It’s a fair point but he makes me feel like it’s all my fault so I question myself. I definitely need to change the way I think about these things :)

Let him go. If you give up your baby for him you will always resent him. If he goes and sees sense then great, if not I'd say he is the selfish one not you.

If he can't accept your decision or support you hun he's probably better to leave.
If he talk to you like that infont of your children your children might grow up thinking that's how you talk to people. (that's if you have children already) From reading your post I personally think that your better off on your own. No one should ever make you feel small or like rubbish especially the man you love!
When the truth does come out about the reason he's left I'm sure you'll have load of support around you.
Regarding money you shouldnt be dependent on him financially. You can get help with benefits until you well enough to work! Hope everything gets sorted soon. You need to think about yourself and your baby! Xx

didnt mean that to come across really blunt but stuff like that is just so silly as you already have kids he knows how it all works :/ so to then make you feel so shitty about a situation that was entirely possible based on the lack of contraception really makes no sense to me. please dont feel bad, you havent done anything wrong x

It didn’t :)
I’m angry with him too but mainly feel so guilty that my decision means our other children won’t grow up with their Dad living with them. X

I think your children will understand, it could of been anyone them he black mailed you with. I hope you find some strength, it's your life, your body and your choice.

You may still split up even if you terminate the pregnancy, especially if you feel sad and resentful about it (and why wouldn't you, if he's pressurising you?). Do you feel able to take on another baby on your own? Given that you've already split up and he's threatening to leave again, it doesn't sound like the relationship is exactly idyllic anyway: You're quite likely to be raising three (or more) children alone in the near future, and that, rather than his blackmailing should be your main consideration in whether or not to continue this pregnancy.

I’m happy to have another baby, I own my house and have a secure job that Fits around my children. Financially we will be okay I would think.
I do think that if I did have an abortion to try and save our relationship it would be over anyway as I would resent him but I’d probably just plod along as he is a fab Dad. Saying that I know I won’t have one which is why I need to try and get this guilt to go away so I can at least plan and be happy in the future :)

Well, he won't necessarily stop being a good dad if you split up. There will be changes to family living arrangements, but it sounds like you'll be financially secure. Good luck with whatever you decide (or rather, telling him, as it sounds like you may have reached a decision already)