Overly involved mother

[Aneley]

Hi, I'm 36w pregnant and I'm wondering if you could help me find a nice way to keep my mum a bit less involved? She is absolutely delighted to be a grandmother (as is our entire family on both sides) but she sometimes crosses the boundaries of appropriate behaviour with my partner. All she really wants is to be useful and make it easier for me (and I am very grateful that she does even though I don't really need much help), so often appears unannounced with some cooked meals at our door. Of course, we both really appreciate her enthusiasm and love and want her to be engaged but just two days ago she came to our home, walked past my husband and straight into our bedroom even though he closed the door of the bedroom as I was changing. She started picking up stuff and even wanted to wash the dishes in spite of him telling her (very politely) that there is no need for that as we've got it under control and we are just happy to spend time with her. Since he was travelling for work a lot over the past few months, she was helping me here and there when I was all alone (risky pregnancy after 6y of battling infertility), but now that he's back and not going anywhere I really don't think it is healthy if she treats him as a guest in his own home. Of course, I know she's not doing this out of any malice (she really loves my OH and we've been married for 7y) so I want to be gentle and careful in how I put this. Her feelings matter to us and we don't want to cause her any hurt, just make some boundaries clear.

I know that this is not really a big problem to have, but I'd still appreciate some ideas how to tackle this in a subtle, considerate way and not push away my mum while introducing some boundaries.

Hmmm. The barging into your bedroom thing is possibly a bit off. Although are YOU comfortable with your mum seeing you getting changed, that is really more important than how your partner feels TBH (I'd happily get changed in front of my mum so it wouldn't bother me)... but helping with washing up and cooking meals? I think you would look churlish to complain about this personally. You will be SO grateful for this kind of help when the baby arrives, so I really wouldn't go upsetting your mum! Particularly when presumably you have been happy to have her around when your partner was out of town. It would be very easy to hurt her feelings I think.

You could maybe suggest something along the lines of "Mum when DP is at home would you mind checking/asking before coming upstairs into our personal space?" maybe explain that you wouldn't want DPs parents to act that way around you and it would make you a little uncomfortable, and that is how your DP feels in the reverse scenario (so she doesn't feel it's personal).

But yes I would be counting myself very lucky to have someone who wants to help, personally.

It’s lovely to have help, but also some privacy and family time is much needed when you’re settling with a new baby! Also it’s your partners home too, so if he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed with the extra company it’s fair to consider his feelings too.

How about if you thank your mum for all of her help, assure her that you’re definitely grateful (and will be when the baby arrives), but ask her to call ahead before turning up unannounced.

That allows her to keep offering help (and for you to accept it!) while you can keep some control and privacy when you need it without offending anyone. She’s your mum - I’m sure she’ll understand if you say ‘thanks for the offer but we’re just going to spend some time together and nest tonight - Wednesday would be brilliant though if you’re free?’

Say this maybe...."Mum, I love you, you are amazing...I know you mean well and want to help and it's incredibly appreciated, the only thing is it's making me a little stressed at how helpful you are because it makes me think you think something could go wrong...I know this sounds crazy, label it hormones or whatever, I want to see you just as often but can you just be more chilled out? I enjoy hosting so let me make you a cuppa and have a chat as that's what I really need right now not stressy fussing. I love you"

And ...PS you can't go into our bedroom now as we've started Xmas shopping and it's all in there in wrapped!!!!

Un wrapped not in

How long does your DH have for paternity leave? It’s all well and good him establishing ‘boundaries’ but if he’s going to need to leave for work again a week or two after the birth then you absolutely do need her hands on. Just be honest with her - tell her DH feels a bit insecure at the moment and seems to want to do everything so could she just take his lead for a bit.

This is a difficult one - however subtly you phrase you run the risk of it being taken as a knock back or criticism .
The run up to the birth is primarily a time for you and DP to bond as a little family unit in your own right . The fact your Mum lovely as she seems to be just waltzes in and essentially takes over flies in the face of this being a really precious time for you and OH.
Plus the fact that she is bringing meals and making the house her own as it were is hardly a vote of confidence in you both .
I’d be inclined to not sugarcoat it . Just say you’re grateful for the help prior to the pregnancy and that probably you’ll need her help post natal but could she please give you a call before turning up unannounced ?
I can see this from both sides as DD had their son in 2016 - she wanted to follow the fourth trimester system where as you may know visits from family and friends are strictly . I was fine with it but the mother of her OH took it very badly .
I was fine because every couple should be able to handle being a parent as they choose - from the pregnancy on .
She’s probably just being over enthusiastic and showing willing - tell her that she’ll be a big part of your child’s life in future - take the opportunity of a break now !
The time for bringing over a home cooked supper and doing washing up - maybe a bit of housework too like ironing - is when two tired parents arrive back from work and breathe a sigh of relief that their child has had a good day with Granny and then disappeared back home like a good fairy . Probably to have a gin and put her feet up .

Visits from family and friends are strictly limited .

Thank you all for your comments. It is very important to both of us that we don't hurt her feelings.

Since I had some blood pressure issues, my DH managed to get his company to allow him to work from home so he's here until birth and then on full leave 6w after that before going back to the office. He is very attentive and wants to do everything around the house. We don't mind our parents wanting to help - we see it as a sign of their love and concern and desire to be a part of this journey and this baby's life which is more than welcome.

It is just that my mum is a bit of a 'general' and when she comes in, she takes full control of everything. I am getting more and more exhausted at this stage of pregnancy and would prefer if she'd just come and spend some time with me. It sometimes makes me feel like she thinks we don't have things under control or are unable to take care of ourselves and the baby. I know it is irrational but that's how it makes me feel.

To answer your question, @Sleeplesssleepseeker - I am not comfortable changing in front of anyone other than my DH. I was always very shy, even as a child I hated changing in front of my mum or sister.

My DH is very polite, considerate man and he'd never complain but I can see that he was a bit taken aback that she just rushed past him into our bedroom even after he asked her to join him in the dining room until I was ready. It is not so much that she went into the bedroom, it is more that she did it after he told her I was changing and asked her to join him for a cuppa until I get downstairs. An hour later, I had a work related call I had to take and moved to the other room, only to see that instead of sitting and chatting, my mother got up, went to the other room and without telling my DH or asking if we needed help started moving a rather heavy piece of furniture on her own. He jumped to help her but that is not what we wanted to do, it was what she thought we needed to do, if it makes sense. Mostly, I don't want to be unfair and unbalanced because I would be rather hurt if his mother did the same. So it is important that I find a way to communicate to my mum to back off a little bit but without hurting her feelings because I know this is done with the best intention.

You need to try and set some boundaries; my mother is very, very similar (we called her The Colonel growing up, and she’s never changed!) - she has a key to our home and often turns up unannounced and lets herself in. She’s been very overbearing during my pregnancy too. We have already mentioned that when babies (we are having twins) are here that visits will be absolutely on our terms particularly when DH is on paternity leave. This isn’t to say she won’t be welcome, of course she will - but she must call/text to ask first and we will agree a suitable time. We are very grateful to have help on hand and I know it will be so valuable but we are being really strict on her not just turning up as and when she feels like it. My sister has a young DD and she says this was her biggest regrets as mum was over constantly - even turning up within the hour of them getting home from the hospital. So I’ve been able to take her advice on board and set the boundaries now!!

To be honest, she took it as a bit of a dig at first (‘Oh, you’ll change your mind when they’re here you’ll be begging me to come and stay’) but she’s taken it on board. Just have all fingers crossed now she does it!

Why do t you just tell her? 'Oi - do not walk into the bedroom when the door is closed. I want some privacy' 'Mum, stop moving the furtniture we don't want to you to.' 'Mum sit down and stop doing stuff you're making me really stressed'

@MrsEG - that is exactly what I am afraid of. That she'll appear the moment we're out of the hospital and it won't be possible to regulate that without a major fallout. It additionally complicates things that she and my dad are divorced (8y now) and not on speaking terms so I really don't want a situation in which she's over so much that my dad never gets a chance to come and spend time with us.

@titchy - Normally, I'd be quite straightforward with her or anyone else, but I'm struggling with high blood pressure and, knowing her dramatic reactions and capacity for getting offended, I am not sure it is the best idea. I also really don't want her to think I don't want her there at all.