Scared I'm not cut out for this

[Nonymous1]

Hi. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant.
Before I decided to keep baby, I had booked 3 terminations which I could never bring myself to go through with. I was so unsure - mainly I think because I will be a single mum and my circumstances are far from easy right now.
I've decided to keep baby mainly because I'm 30 now, and I truly think I would regret giving him up.
I'm just tackling some issues right now.
I don't feel anything for my unborn baby and I'm so scared I won't love him when he's here. I'm the least maternal person I know, I don't get gooey around babies (I've always preferred puppies 🙈) and although I've always said that one day I want a family, I have a constant bugging in the back of my head that my freedom is going to be taken away. I am/was an avid traveller.
A lot of friends at this point of their pregnancy would be looking for baby things, prams, decorating nurseries, making the Facebook announcements... for me I've no inclination to do any of these things.
I've read articles where women claim to be head over heels in love with their bump after their first scan. When I first saw him I did cry, but the next couple times I just felt emotionless and it doesn't feel normal.
I guess I just worry I won't make a good mum, I'm worried this love won't come naturally. I don't want to disappoint anyone and I don't want to be a bad mother. I just can't imagine me as a mum... but maybe it's because this was so unexpected and unplanned, maybe I just haven't had time to get my head around it all. 😞

Firstly congratulations on your baby!
You need to talk to your midwife about this so they can help you in the right direction.
What you feel is normal. None of us know if we're quite cut out for it until baby is here. And even there's movements you can question yourself.

You said you don't feel anything for your baby but you turnt down 3 terminations and decided to bring this baby up alone. That speaks volumes to me.
Being a single parent does have it's own challenges but you can do it. People do it.

You've got this mama. One day at a time.

Also travelling can be put on hold.
You'll find yourself wanting to do stuff with your DC. You can still go on holiday/travelling just with DC in tow 😊

Congratulations! I don't go gooey with babies, wasn't in love with my bump and couldn't connect at scans as it didn't seem real but once I started to feel him moving it started to feel more real. when he arrived I didn't get the rush of love either it was very much 'ah there you are' moment which seemed odd. I love my little boy but I can't tell you when I fell in love. I think it was very much a gradual thing from the first kicks without me realising. If you have concerns speak to your midwife but know that you don't always have to enjoy pregnancy even though you will be constantly told to by friends, family or colleagues.

When I first saw him I did cry, but the next couple times I just felt emotionless and it doesn't feel normal.

No advice OP, but just to say that I feel exactly the same - only I didn’t even cry at my first scan!

@Nonymous1 I remember seeing this article just after I came back from travelling. Having a baby doesn't have to stop you from travelling.

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/b4f441e0-f68d-443a-af72-c24ff7da778a

First of all, stop reading articles! A lot of what you're feeling is perfectly normal. There's no handbook on how you're supposed to feel as a mother-to-be.

Ive felt like you for MONTHS and this is a planned-for baby.

At 18 weeks I couldn't even contemplate the fact I was going to have a baby. I was overwhelmed and phased by having so much to do, how my life is going to change etc. I just sort of blocked it all out. It's a coping mechanism to allow you to function in everyday life otherwise you'd grind to a halt!

Then, after 25 weeks, I quietly made and tackled a to-do list (ticked a few items off each week), attended antenatal classes (made it feel more real) and started a hypnobirthing class (helped relax me and made me feel a bit in control & empowered - like I can actually do this!)

I'm 37 weeks now and just starting to get my head round things.

But it all still feels so surreal. I can't picture having a baby in a few weeks nor do I feel a surge of love or anything.

In fact, I had a growth scan last week and still didn't cry or feel in love with the baby. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I just find it very hard to visualise things and think ahead. So to me, she was just still a picture on a screen at the scan. Like watching tv. It's like my brain hasn't made the connection that was MY baby growing in MY belly. I don't feel bonded with the baby at all yet. I forget she's there half the time!

Am I worried about it? Nah! Does it mean I'll be a crap mum? Absolutely not. I am sure I'll fall in love with her the second she's out. Or a little time after once reality and the hormones kick in!

I don't see the point in stressing about how I should be feeling. Read these forums for a few years and you'll see you're perfectly normal to feel like this. There are always dozens of posts and replies from mums feeling the same way.

Relax a little and take the pressure off yourself.

Oh and another thing: most people worry they're not going to be a good enough mum. It is literally the ONLY sign that you WILL be a good mum - because otherwise, why would you be so concerned about it?

Xxx

I felt like you. I was a bit older and was/am married but otherwise identical.

I took myself to the doctor and told her I felt I had nothing to look forward to, at about 9 weeks. She booked me in for an early scan - I think she thought if I saw it for real on a screen, I'd feel different - I certainly didn't say I was worried about miscarriage or anything like that.

Needless to say, the scan didn't do anything for me in the way of bonding. Failed at that expectation of motherhood too

But being pregnant and having an actual live baby with you is very different, and please don't beat yourself up that there is something wrong with you. There isn't.

Thank you so much girls your responses are really putting my mind at rest 💗💗💗

Hi, you sound exactly like me 10 years ago and now again as I'm pregnant with my second little surprise! I'm not, never have been and never will be a baby person. Didn't cry at any of the scans for my son (and haven't so far at this one) didn't cry at the birth, felt a huge surge of protection towards hims when he was born but that overwhelming feeling of love people talk about... Didn't get that. I'll be totally honest, the more he developed a personality, that's when the love rush truly came. That doesn't mean I'm a terrible mum, my son is the most important thing in my life and I love him more than anything now.

I'm now preganant again and I joke myself and my partner are the least parental people ever. We werent even that fussed about getting pics from our recent scan as we're just very "meh" about the whole thing. But we've got a child each and they've both turned out brilliantly so we obviously did something right!

I was a single parent the first time round for 7 years (until I met my partner) , pretty much went through everything on my own with the help and support of my family and I've raised the best, kindest and funniest boy I could imagine. I have a few friends who are single parents too and I'll be honest, it can be hard. But my god, that bond you will form, you and him against the world, is amazing. As much as I love my partner, I wouldn't trade the years as a single parent to have met him earlier. As JK Rowling says, I'm more proud of my years as a single parent than any other thing in my life (or something to that effect!).

I was also a massive traveller, still am. And again, the great thing about being a single parent is that you only have you two to think about. So if you decide to take off for a year when they're 3,you CAN do it. In all honesty, that's prob one of my biggest regrets, not going travelling for a year before he started school and before I bought a house so if I had any advice, it would be to do that. That's not to say we don't go travelling. My son has been to New York, Iceland, Spain, Italy and loads more. He's developed a love of travel and languages which I'm so proud of. We even took him and his step sister on a mini interrailing trip for 2 weeks in the summer starting in Germany and ending in Norway. As I said before, ideally I'd like to take him away for longer but I have more people to consider than me and him now.

Overall, don't beat yourself up, everyone experiences pregnancies and motherhood differently.

Please trust me - if I can do this, you can do this! My baby was planned but it was still so hard when I fell pregnant. You've got this ♥️