Not bonding with second pregnancy 22 weeks

[Charsw]

I feel like I have so much to unpack in my head, and so much to come to terms with that I just can’t find a place to start. I’m so overwhelmed with everything.

I’m 22 weeks with my second child (DS is nearly 5) and struggling enormously to connect with my pregnancy. Over 2 years have been plagued with recurrent pregnancy losses. Miscarriages and chemical pregnancies. The doctor warned not to expect the pregnancy to develop when I went in with my tests this time around. I spent the first months waiting for something bad to happen - it wasn’t til past 15 weeks I fully started accepting things more.
I thought I would be so grateful after wanting this for so long, and expected the time I did fall pregnant to be full of love and magic, but I just feel so disconnected.
It’s taken so much to be here - a vulval cancer scare, biopsies, a massive mental breakdown, loss of friendships, tests, scans, endometriosis, baby loss, secondary infertility referrals - all the while getting diagnosed with autism.

I don’t even feel pregnant - I’m not really acknowledging the baby’s movements. It’s like my brain blocks them out. I guess I’m in total denial. My son constantly says he doesn’t want another baby and has been acting out, so I just avoid talking about it completely. Baby doesn’t have a name (or even a nickname) and I’m so unprepared and unexcited - it just feels like I’m going to wake up from all of this some day and there will be an extra child around.

What can I do to make myself feel connected? I was so excited the whole way through my first pregnancy and really bonded with bump, so this is new territory for me. I don’t really know what I’m expecting to get out of posting this - guess I just need to let feelings out.

Wow im not surprised you feel the way you do... you have been through alot and need to give yourself a break.
If its any consolation at all i didnt really bond with my 2nd pregnancy untill towards the end. My son was 5 also at the time and with me it was bad timeing (also we hadnt prevented it) and also i felt like my son was going to feel left out when infact he wasnt even fussed lol... dont be too hard on yourself once baby is here you will of course feel that love of rush for your new tiny human. Can you speak to your midwife about this or partner/family/friend so you have some actual support around you? Xx

I haven’t been through any of the trauma you have but I’m not really one to bond with my bump. Mine mostly comes from having Hyperemesis and having most of the joy sucked out of pregnancy from feeling so horribly poorly all the time! I felt the same my first pregnancy as I do this second & this time I’m quite comfortable with it. It’s just how my pregnancies are. I do all practical things, make sure I’m ready for a baby in terms of things (although second time round, I have very little to buy as we kept everything from last time).. but otherwise, pregnancy is just a slog that I can’t wait to be over!

I know from last time, I’ll do all my bonding once baby is here

Don’t worry about being prepared just yet, I’m 22 weeks as well & all I’ve done so far is buy some second hand sleepsuits from a friend! There’s plenty of time & im guessing you might have things from your first already? As for names, you’ll pick one! Everyone does it in their own time!

It might be worth having a chat to your midwife given all the trauma you’ve been through. Some proper support may really help! It sounds like you are struggling to process it all & now the pregnancy after all the heart ache.. lots of love 🧡

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much trauma, and I can't say I've had to deal with anything on the same scale. I will say this though, when I found out I was pregnant with my third, unexpected and unplanned pregnancy later on in life, I spent most of the pregnancy in fear abs denial. I didn't want to be pregnant, but knew I couldn't terminate. I honestly felt despair, and abject misery.
Until they placed him in my arms. I have never felt such overwhelming love, and he has been the sunshine of my life every day since.
It doesn't happen for everyone during pregnancy, and it doesn't happen for everyone at birth (it certainly didn't with my first two) but you will find your way, and it will be okay

Practically speaking, lots of talking to your bump, lots of touching. The baby can hear your voice already, and is connecting to you...he or she already knows your his/her mummy.

I didn't bond with dd2 when pregnant.
I didn't find out i was pregnant until i was 5mths. It was a total shock.
When I was 7mths, dd1 died suddenly. I took to my bed and didn't want to think about giving birth. All I had bought at this stage was a pram. My sister's had to go shopping for everything else.
I had told the midwife I didn't want to hold the baby when It was born I honestly had no feelings or bond towards it. I will admit now I was in a very bad place mentally.

When she arrived after a very short labour I nearly sent the midwife on her arse, when I grabbed dd2 out of her arms😊😊. The love i felt was overwhelming.

Speak to your midwife, hopefully she will be able to reassure you.
Take care of yourself .

If its any consolation im 22 weeks pregnant and havent 'bonded' with the bump. I dont even know what means, or how id go about doing it.

Im excited to have the baby, but all the talk about bonding with the bump and fawning over scan pictures leaves me a bit baffled if im honest

I'm 32 weeks with second child, and I feel similarly to you, despite never having experienced miscarriages or anything of what you describe. Our DD is going through medical- and school related challenges, which makes her a massive priority at the moment, and the pregnancy doesn't get much attention. I do hope I'll bond more when he's born though. I wouldn't worry if I were you. I think people feel less attached the second time they're pregnant, regardless of history

I haven't read the other replies but I struggled to bond with my third pregnancy.
It wasn't planned as had suffered with hyperemesis with my previous two boys and felt I couldn't do it all again. We'd also had fertility issues so didn't think I would fall pregnant that easily anyway! When I discovered I was pregnant it was a terrible shock, I was 39 with two boys 4 and 7 and the thought of the hyperemesis again was just awful. There's no way I would have terminated so continued with the pregnancy and had even worse HG, ended up in and out of hospital, kidneys struggling from continued dehydration and was eventually treated with high dose steroids. Couldn't function for weeks, couldn't work or look after my kids. When you feel like that it's very hard to make a connection to be honest and even when I started to feel a bit better after 20 weeks, I remained in quite a bit of denial, just felt traumatised by the whole thing and I felt like this right up to the day I had him! However, the minute they gave me him, it went and I have loved every minute of my maternity leave with him. I couldn't see it at the time but he was def meant to be. Hang in there mama. X