Unsupportive mum

[Raindancer411]

Hi all

Just wanted to see if anyone else is in the same situation as myself. My mum is very unsupportive of me in pregnancy, and it hurts. I see others mums over the moon when they tell them, whereas I dreaded telling my mum. My first pregnancy I told her and she just said 'well that's your fault'. Yet she loves my little one (her grandchild). I wanted another but I was so scared to after my labour experience and how she would react to me telling her another time. Fast forward a good few years and I am pregnant again. We thought we were being careful but obviously it was meant to be. I worried about telling her and finally got the guts up. Her reaction again was negative and I feel sorry for 'first born' and you should have had a coil, you should have been more careful. It hurts! I only want her to be supportive and happy for me.

I just said to her I need her to be less negative as it is what it is, I have enough worries and it lead to other things being dragged up. Now I am in tears...

It would be nice to know I am not alone in this... my DH said if his mum was still with us she would have been, but it's not my mum...

That can't be easy. Is there a reason she is so negative? Does she offer any reason for not wanting you to have a child? I mean 'you should have had a coil' is quite an extreme reaction to your daughter getting pregnant - especially a daughter which is in a stable relationship with one child already and not dependent on her financially. Have you tried having that conversation with her of just asking why does she feel that way?

Also, if you have full support of your DH then you are not alone - it is his support and your DC that matters the most.

I think she is just bitter as has suffered many loses, but I thought when I had my first born she may be able to look a bit forward. I have tried talking to her but she doesn't say much as just gets on the defensive.

Are you an only child OP? It sounds like such an odd reaction to a daughter in a stable relationship etc.. why shouldn’t you have children? And why shouldn’t you have more than one?! So long as you can cope financially etc.. What kind of person is she? Are you close & loving? Or is she generally quite critical of your life?

I’m not really sure what can be done other than a real heart to heart. It’s so sad that you felt you couldn’t have another partly because of your mum! It’s your life, your family.

I think maybe you stand up to her & say her comments were really hurtful & you long for her to support you in pregnancy & not make you feel bad!

My mum is the sam with my first born she told me to abort and wasn't happy at all didn't speak to me for a while nothing I then fell pregnant with twins and lost them and all she could say was ooh we can be sad together lovely comment there then when I told her I was planning another baby she got very annoyed an then when I told her I was pregnant I got I surpose it's a congratulations and I'm currently pregnant now due at the end of the month and he is a boy and she didn't won't me to have a boy so all I get is well it should of been a girl she's not support at all I'm not even with the baby's dad no more and struggling with my daughter who is autistic and the pregnancy and she doesn't care she only lives across the road from me an she never helps out nothing she was the same with my sister she just didn't won't ya to have children for some reason but when other people fall pregnant same age as my an my sister she's so happy for them and contatantly messages them to make sure there okay just don't won't to be a nan I surpose lol x x

@kkl1 I am sorry you are going through the same. It's so upsetting from a daughters point of view as you only want your mums support.

No I am not the only child, I have another sister but she has never had kids. I did mention on to her that I would like her to be less negative and more supportive but it didn't make a difference. Maybe me saying that put her more on the defensive which is why she then bit back at me about something unrelated. Things are always brought back up from years ago...

Raindancer, I just said to her I need her to be less negative as it is what it is, I have enough worries and it lead to other things being dragged up.
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That must be emphasised, Raindancer, if someone else whom your mother knows and likes could reinforce it it would be very helpful, she might take more notice. Perhaps your husband would say something. I imagine your mum would be distressed at the thought of other people thinking badly about her, more than if you do. Parents and children often speak to each other in a way that they wouldn't in front of others and are abashed if anyone 'outside' knew.

She is being so very unfair and I don't understand why she doesn't see that but parent-child relationships are often blinkered.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, so unexpected and a lovely surprise.

Some people are just twats. Sometimes those twats happen to be related to you.

My mum's reaction to my pregnancy was "you're not" followed by "oh". That's 100% on her, it's her issues and her loss.

You don't have to keep having contact with your mum if she's being a knob about it. You wouldn't tolerate this from a friend so no need to tolerate it just because she's related to you. You deserve to have people around you who will support you and cheer you on. Life is just too bloody short. Congratulations!

I would go no contact. Who needs a toxic wretch like that in their lives?