Please tell me it’s not all bad!

[MotherToAHoundDog]

Hi All,

I would really like to thank in advance anyone who is reading this and anyone who is kind enough to take the time to comment. xxx

Anonymous threads are so bloody brilliant/ essential for this sort of thing! I badly need some perspective, please. And for someone to connect me with some positive aspects re: motherhood.

I always thought I would have a family. In my little fantasy mummydom I’d have one of each and I’d be fantastic at my new role. (obviously!) oh the naivety!! ;) . I know deep down that it’s what I want. I’m happily married, my husband would like a family. It’s all good. But - we are not trying and this is why -

The issue is we are the last of our large group of friends/family to attempt to procreate. And I’ve been surround by other people’s children for 5+ years. And frankly the shine has well and truly worn off. And now I’m terrified. To be supportive to friends and family I’ve/we have done more than our fair share of baby sitting including taking nephews and nieces for entire weekends etc. I’ve cared for and looked after said little ones to the best of my ability. It’s hard, boring, utterly tedious. I’ve listened to tens of mums’ (completely understandable!) moans, gripes, frustrations and seen first hand the hurricanes their children produce!! I’ve heard about nightmare birthing stories, unkind/spiteful mummy comments, and in some cases aresh0le/selfish husbands, who were fantastic fun and lovely pre baby but now refuse to help, change or share a single night feed etc etc! can’t say it out loud because frankly it would be btchy beyond belief but their lives look pretty grim. The toddler running around with food, the greasy smears, the refusal to eat, the food waste!, the mess, the witching hour, the endless activity, the crappy trips to soft play or other awful hole in the wall destinations, the mummy tea time drinking just to take the edge off - actually I’m up for that bit!! ;) - but the relentless noise, the damage to soft furnishings, the endless cleaning, the screaming the poos, the backshts, the frontsh*ts!, the endless discipline falling on deaf ears as they attempt to mould their little humans into a respectable members of society. I have absolute respect for what they do and they are all trying to the best of their ability to be good parents.

But I’m left feeling shell shocked. And a bit deflated to be honest. And I cannot kid myself that it will be different for me. I’m not that arrogant. I’m not going to be any better at it than they are.

Does anyone go into this kid producing trade once their eyes have been absolutely opened! It looks like hell. Sorry. That’s rude. But, I have to be honest, if try and imagine how I might fare - if I factor in feeling emotional, miserable about my post pregnancy (wobbly!) baby, and add sleep deprivation, plus the absolute fear that I am responsible for these humans and I cannot give them back, I just don’t feel I’m up to it. I feel like I’ve been brutalised to life with kids and it makes me desperately sad. I’d really like someone to tell me something positive connected with motherhood. I appreciate its very fashionable now to talk about the ‘grim reality, and not loving very minute of motherhood etc’ and the funny bad bits, but I really need some good stuff, please!

I would really like a family. But not how I’ve seen it. I feel very lost. And I cannot exactly share this concept with friends and family all of whom are asking when’s it ‘our turn’...any help or thoughts would be so kind.

Thank you. Bless you xxxx

Empty platitudes aren't going to mean much to you OP, so I'm not sure what you're really asking? If the people whose children have so put you off starting your own family can't sell you on the upsides, how can a stranger from the internet be expected to?

For me personally, I was probably the opposite. Never imagined myself with a family but remained open to the idea and now have DS who's 9 months. Parenting hasn't been easy so far, I'm acutely aware of all the downsides/small ways in which my life has changed for the worse... but I love him. In a way I've never loved another person before. So regardless of any negatives, it's somehow all worth it 🤷🏼‍♀️

*When you hear I love you from a little tiny human that is all yours!
*When they hurt themself and come running to mummy for cuddles because only you can make them feel better.
*When they randomly grab hold of you and give you cuddles and kisses for no reason at all.
*When they start nursery/school and come running out to tell you how excited they are about what they have done that day.

Being a parent isnt easy in the slightest, I've always wanted kids.. I have 2 and pregnant with my 3rd I'm not going to lie its bloody hard work. My 9 year old sulks at the slightest things (I wish he was a toddler again) my 3 year old wants everything and is in the stage of being a rite pain in the arse and yes I do sit here heavily pregnant thinking what the hell was I thinking adding another one to the mix BUT they are mine, I'm proud of how they are turning into caring,loving boys and cannot wait for this one to be born to complete our family

(Other peoples kids can be a nightmare. I couldnt look after my niece/nephews for full weekends they would do my headin. I love them and would do anything for them but it's different when it's your own child. You have a routine with them you bring them up how you want too etcc)

Hi, thank you so much for replying. I guess they haven’t sold me on it - because all they do is vent to me about the bad/hard stuff. As Im a friend they don’t have to pretend or put on a brave patent I've got this sh*t covered’ face. They just moan. And I can see why! And the odd good bits that they share still sound a little cr@p. And you can’t exactly say, ‘can we change the subject you’re kind of putting me off’. Is that an just other people’s children thing?! Do you like other people’s kids? Did you before you became a mother. Enough to take them for regular 48 hour periods? I kind of feel a bit overexposed to it but without any of the up side or the loving gooey side. I’ll take the platitudes with pleasure, thanks! - but I’d prefer them not to be empty if possible!? ;)

Thank you so much BoyMummy3, what lovely comments xxx

All of that stuff is true but for me every bad part is worth it a million times for the good parts otherwise why would people have more than one.
I also enjoy the trips out, even to soft play as my DD enjoys it and it’s worth it for her enjoyment.

Do you like other people’s kids? Did you before you became a mother? Enough to take them for regular 48 hour periods?

No, no and no. I'd never be without my own now though

The fact that you're feeling like this means you're already pretty prepared and not naive to what having a baby means.

I will say - no one regrets having a baby. They may regret NOT having one.

You cannot love your nieces/nephews the way that you can love your own baby. It's totally different.

I had two horrific pregnancies (one almost killed me), a child that did. not. sleep. for. two. years. I found it hard going back to work and running a house. My relationship suffered.

But. Every second of hell is worth it for the tiny moments when your child tells you that you're the best mummy, or you smell that spot on the top of their head, or they come out with something so hilarious you wondered why you spent hours watching Michael Mcyntire.

Listen it's not for everyone. Totally respect anyone's decision to say, no thanks it's not for me. But make that decision yourself, on your lifestyle and what YOU want, not on the experiences of other people's kids.

Anyone would be lying if they said kids weren’t hard work but it really isn’t as bad as you’ve written down! And there is a huge difference between other people’s children & your own.

I have a 2.5 year old and my furniture/house is in no way ruined. My sofas are good as new, my daughter has never drawn on a wall, we eat meals at the table and wash our hands afterwards.. the kitchen wall could do with a paint, there is some food splatter from weaning I just ignore! Maybe I’m lucky but my daughter doesn’t fuss with things like the Christmas Tree or when we had Halloween decorations up. She’s interested for a day but I’m quite firm with her on how she should behave & she listens! Does she push boundaries & sometimes not listen, of course but overall our behaviour methods work. I actually think nursery helps as she learns to follow rules there too.

Do babies poo a lot and all over their clothes, yep. Do you deal with it, yes. Is potty training pretty grim, yep. But it’s a couple months of hard work. Would I like more sleep, yes please. But you learn to cope & my partner and I work as team to make it as easy as possible. Are kids noisy, yep but again, teach your kid to use an appropriate voice. My 2 year old knows she has an indoor & outdoor voice! You know your husband, do you think he’ll turn into an idiot? Mine is incredible. He has shared all the night shifts since newborn, he cooks, he takes her out to give me a break .. I’ve been really poorly in my second pregnancy and he’s run the house & cared for our toddler!

The joy your own child brings is immeasurable. My daughter is my pride & joy. She smiles and giggles and it lifts the worst of moods. Her speech is coming on so quickly at the moment and I’m so proud. It’s amazing having a little conversation with her. I love the bones of her & miss her when I’m at work (although I also love work as I get to sit down all day and eat my lunch in peace 😂).

I suspect your friends have used you as a soundboard for their bad days but I bet if you asked them, they wouldn’t change their lives to not have children. Why don’t you ask them about the good bits? Most people love talking about their kids!

Ps. I like softplay .. they are so much fun. I go down all the slides with my daughter 😂 guess they are a bit germy but I’ve scouted out the clean ones in my area!