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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t want our baby :(

21 replies

Foodx123 · 02/11/2019 19:08

The other day I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. Me and my boyfriend both have jobs and we have recently moved into our own flat and we have a great relationship. He pretty much expected me to have an abortion straight away and asked me if I had “booked the appointment” before we sat down and said anything. He’s told me he’s scared and says we aren’t ready and that the baby would have a bad life which obviously upsets me he would think that. He even suggested adoption like I would want to give up my own child and I feel like that just shows he doesn’t care. He even said seeing the scan would make him feel sick and I will not be able to expect him to love the child. He’s 24 and he’s concerned with what his parents would think, believing that they would disown him yet they live 150+ miles away and his mum always says how she cannot wait to have grandchild not now but in the future. It is making me really upset and I am struggling to see past this. I have an abortion booked but feel like I am doing this because he wants me to. He says he wouldn’t force me as it’s my body but then I feel like I’d lose him if we were to have a baby. I don’t know what to do and I am scared myself after reading about being 6 weeks pregnant

OP posts:

JustMe9 · 02/11/2019 19:11

How ols are you and how long you have been together? How come you both own a flat? Is it under both of your names?

MaverickSnoopy · 02/11/2019 19:18

Please take him out of the equation for a moment. Try to remember that nothing in life is certain. If you abort your baby that doesn't guarantee you a future with this man. You have to work out what you want. You should also try to consider the fact that many men in shock say things such as this and go onto be wonderful fathers. Many don't of course.

Oct18mummy · 02/11/2019 19:22

Have you told him how you feel and that you want to keep the baby? He’s probably just scared and needs to work out his feelings - how long has he known about you being pregnant? X

SirVixofVixHall · 02/11/2019 19:24

I have had two friend in exactly this situation. Friend A. Had a termination to keep her boyfriend, and has since regretted it, as she has not had children.
Friend B. Told her mother, who rang her boyfriend’s parents and read the riot act. She did not go to the appointment for the termination, had her baby, and astonishingly her boyfriend has been a good Dad and they are still together twenty years later.

Whatever the pressure, do not have a termination you do not want. Only end the pregnancy if it is your own choice and how you want to proceed, not to keep a boyfriend, or because your boyfriend is in a panic.

plantainchips · 02/11/2019 19:25

It’s good that he’s being open with you. He’s entitled to feel like that. He could just be scared as it doesn’t sound planned at all. He’s also relatively young. It may be with having another conversation in a bit to see how he feels after the news as settled.

If he still feels like that, you need to decide if your OK with being a single mother which essentially no father involvement or reluctant involvement from the father. If you decide you can’t, that’s fine. If you decide you do, that’s also fine. So many women on MN can offer support in that regard.

HappyHarlot · 02/11/2019 19:28

A termination is your choice alone. He cannot force you and cannot stop you.

If you proceed with the pregnancy, you may be bringing the baby up alone. If you terminate, you may still end up alone. Alternatively, you might stay together but you resent the abortion and your relationship may still fail anyway.

popsadaisy · 02/11/2019 19:31

Myself and my OH were 24 when I fell pregnant although my OH wasn't quite as vocal as yours has been about the baby I knew he would have probably rather me have an abortion but as terrified as I was to be having a baby I just couldn't even bring myself to think about it. We were both scared to tell our parents (I knew my mum would be over the moon but the others we weren't so sure about). It's terrifying to start off with and it is hard work but I'm almost certain he will love his child and so will his parents if you do go through with it. My OH is the best dad to my LG and either of us would be without her now including both our parents. It's entirely up to you but if you aren't 100% sure about the abortion then don't do it until you are certain.

basicbitch16 · 02/11/2019 19:33

*I have an abortion booked but feel like I am doing this because he wants me to. He says he wouldn’t force me as it’s my body but then I feel like I’d lose him if we were to have a baby.
*
I'm so sorry this has happened, & your OH has reacted this way, but if you allow him to force you into an abortion you aren't sure you want, the relationship is almost certainly doomed anyway.

Windygate · 02/11/2019 19:39

The relationship is over no matter what happens. Is lone parenting something you could cope with?

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2019 19:47

NO man on this entire Earth is every worth having a termination for. Not a one. If you are not 100% sure you want an abortion, then don't have one. You are not doing this for you. You need to take him out of the equation and even have a break to think alone for a bit but he's minimising this and as a result he's going to pretend this never happened if you have it and you will find the relationship ends anyhow.

KellyHall · 02/11/2019 19:54

Don't rush in to a termination, there are lots of things to consider.

If you have a termination solely because he wants one, do you honestly think you can look at him in the same loving way every day, for the rest of your lives together?

If you don't have a termination, your partner leaves and your child turns out to have a severe disability of the mind or body, are you old/mature enough to deal with it alone?

CodenameVillanelle · 02/11/2019 19:57

Are you ready to raise a child as a single parent?
If not, then terminate, because that's what you would probably be.
Do not terminate to keep him because you will probably not forgive him and the relationship won't last.

Mjlp · 02/11/2019 20:21

You can't have a termination because a man who doesn't give a shit about your feelings wants you to. That's insane! There's no knowing whether your relationship would've stood the test of time or not even if you hadn't have fallen pregnant. Men come and go, but children are forever. Tell him you want to keep the baby. If he truly loves you he'll stay with you. If he doesn't, you've had a lucky escape and you'll have the love of your child forever

justthecat · 02/11/2019 20:33

Do what feels right for you, I could give you my experience, as others can. If you think worst bet you can cope by yourself and want to, then off you go 🌺

Honeyroar · 02/11/2019 20:41

It sounds like the relationship would falter if you kept the baby, so think about what you want/would do if you were single. The relationship may falter if you have a termination anyway - he's not exactly supportive and is a bit of a coward in a crisis - could you get past this and live with him if you did abort?

I'd give yourself another couple of weeks. Ignore him (tell him you've heard his opinion and don't need to hear anymore), speak to your parents and friends, then make your own decision.

Jesskir89 · 02/11/2019 22:50

Don't do it. And if he doesn't like it tell him to leave. You clearly don't want to and will regret it

Nc77 · 03/11/2019 00:04

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. I was in a similar situation and I had a termination to satisfy my partner at the time and it was the worst mistake I ever made. I have gotten over it a little more now and I have another on the way (nearly full term) but if I didn’t have my son now I dread to think what my mental health would have been like because it seriously messed me up. Guilt was the worst, you’ll start arguing with your partner and will resent him and then will hate yourself for putting a piece of shit man above your own child.

I never considered my first pregnancy a termination but as taken from me in my own mind, because I knew deep down i didn’t want to terminate. I cried all the way home from the hospital after I took the pill to end the pregnancy and when it came away I was shell shocked, didn’t know what to do, how to feel or react, I just wanted it over. Dealing with it afterwards was a whole new kettle of fish.
I was considering termination of my second pregnancy when I found out due to some complicated reasons but I think I was looking for an easy way out but I’m so so SO glad I didn’t do it and I’m going to be a mum finally, but sounds like your partner wants the easy way out and it’s easy for him to say terminate coz he doesn’t have to go and have a scan or have the tablets inserted into him or go through what it entails. He can sit downstairs if he so wishes whilst you are going through it.

If you feel like you aren’t ready to be a mum then that’s also fine, you know yourself better than anyone but please make sure if it is your decision it’s the best decision for YOU and you alone! Plenty of women bring their babies up single handidly and do an amazing job and I’m sure you will be no different x

Crimearino · 03/11/2019 07:59

You need to do it for you. Think about you and what you can offer the baby as a single parent.

CL1982 · 03/11/2019 13:12

I mean, on one level (bear with me ladies) I can see why a 24 year old male who has just moved in with his girl friend and has found out she is pregnant and is freaking the hell out might make panicked comments about her getting an abortion. I suspect he’s feeling panicky, worried, tapped and has immaturity and inexperience loaded against him.

However. No man, and I mean NO man should ever tell a woman to have an abortion or not. It is your body and you have every right to make a decision on what you do based on informed choice. My argument would be as everyone has said above would be to take all options and consider them carefully. If he did decide he couldn’t cope with a baby could you financially support yourself and a baby? How would it make you feel if he did decided to not be part of your lives? Having a baby is a huge experience and it might be once the baby is there he will throw himself into it with great gusto but it should not be a romanticised experience either. It’s hard work and hard graft.

It sounds like you have some thinking to do. Are you close to your parents? Could you speak to them for some advice?

WorldEndingFire · 03/11/2019 18:48

Worth booking yourself in for some counselling - BPAS should be able to help. I hope you have girlfriends and family to talk to as uncertainty around pregnancy can be very isolating, but you are not alone.

However, only you can decide what's right for you and your life, counselling may help you to arrive at this important decision. There is no right or wrong answer, as long as that answer comes from you. Just different paths.

Good luck.

WorldEndingFire · 03/11/2019 18:50

More information: www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

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