Am I unreasonably resentful?

[Sweetpeababy]

Hello all,

I’m feeling a little frustrated and would like some guidance on whether I’m unreasonable. I got pregnant with my first baby recently, and I’m at three months old. I’m over the moon happy. My partner, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care as much. She would rather continue to go out with friends, do her own things, focus on her own priorities and even talked about going abroad for vacation for two weeks on her own because she wanted to squeeze that in before the baby. We have both always been independent, so during my IVF treatment, I was always on my own. I would go to the doctor on my own, take care of my own meds, etc. now that I’m pregnant, I thought she would change and become more supportive. Unfortunately not. Whenever I ask her to give me more attention (cook dinner once in a while, help me with meds, research what to do - she never even researched once!), she claims that I’m selfish and only talk about my needs. I just can’t sympathize with her needs when she complains about wanting to lose weight or discussing next vacations. I feel more and more resentful. Am I unreasonable? Am I too selfish? I’m at a point of wanting a divorce, but I am thinking about the baby and am scared to rock the boat. Thank you all for your advice and insights! Hard to get through this alone.....

I cant offer much advice however pregnancy is tough and if she agreed to have a baby with you, whether biologically hers or not she should be supporting you and you have every right to feel resentful.

Hell my dh is talking about going on his Christmas do when I will have a fresh baby and a toddler and I feel resentful of that, let alone if he told me he wanted a 2 week holiday!

Personally I would be having a very Frank conversation about how the dynamics are going to work and perhaps find a support group you can both attend so she can try to understand what your body is going through.

Good luck OP and congratulations.

This comes as a surprise to me, and shows how much I stereotype people I expect, because I would have expected a female partner to be more considerate and nurturing than some of the me we hear about on here!

You're not wrong to feel like you do, pregnancy is an incredibly vulnerable and emotional time, often more so after ivf and you really need your partner to show support. It's also one of the things we see on here a lot I think - if you're partner is selfish and inconsiderate during the pregnancy, they often continue that way after the birth.

I'm pregnant with my third child so my DH is a pro at this, plus he's the kindest man ever, but sometimes even he needs telling if I need a bit of extra help or for him to pick up the slack at home. I agree that you need to have a frank conversation with her about your feelings and expectation and the realities that pregnancy and babies bring.

I'm in hospital just now, it's been quite stressful and we have agreed my husbands priority is our other children so he hasn't been in to visit me (I'm happy with this, our kids are very young and there are labouring women on this ward who don't need kids running about) but if he was in a two week holiday while I was going through this, I wouldn't be happy at all.

Find your voice and use it. Or you will be doing all the childcare by yourself as well.

Wow! I see so many of these threads of unsupportive partners it amazes me esp when babies are planned or through ivf I just dont understand it at all..
You need to have a stern word with her and put her in her place so to speak.. yes shes allowed a life and to still go out etc but a 2 week holiday?! What! What's wrong with you both going away for a week? Or even a nice weekend away before the baby is born. You definitely need to sit down with her and tell her exactly what you have put here and that you feel like she isnt being supportive and of course it's not all about you after all 1000's of women are pregnant BUT she needs to realise it isnt just oh your pregnant... it takes such a toll on your body and your mindset and she needs to realise even just being around to give you a random cuddle means 100x more than it would usually. I hope you can sort it out together before baby is born xx

I am close to a SS female couple.

They both wanted to bear children but, on medical advice, one went first and the other one was terribly jealous and behaved very badly throughout the pregnancy and birth, basically until she also conceived.

She now admits that she was at breakdown point with envy. Could this be the position? I think some counselling is advised to get to the bottom of your situation.