Pre-mum worries

[MummyJ93]

Hey, I'm new to this so I don't know how this works on if anybody will see it or not. Basically I'm 26 years of age almost and I'm excited that I'm ready to become a mum to my first son. It wasn't a planned pregnancy and after a bit of a debate between my partner and I, we decided we were going to follow through with the pregnancy. I couldn't be happier knowing I've been blessed and trusted to carrying a life inside me. However I'm beginning to worry now that some of the decisions I'm about to make I will be hated for. My partner and I are still together and I love him so much however we haven't been able to agree on a place of living. So it currently means right now my baby will be living at my childhood home with myself and my parents. Me and my partner don't live far away but we don't live the closest either. None of us currently can drive (I've been taking lessons and failed my first test which I'll be retaking as soon as it is possible), however he would still rather me move down to where he lives rather than him move to me because he is working nights currently. Now I have understood the position he's been in since I met him as we have only ever seen each other on weekends when he's not been at work and it was always me travelling down to him which I never have had a problem with. We have only seen each other lately twice in the past 6 weeks since I've been too big and too tired to travel to him and then he's not really been to come and stay with me. He's not a mean person and I know he would never hurt me or disrespect me in any way but now I'm worried that when the baby is born he will still expect me to be getting on numerous trains etc with a pram and a new born baby because he will be too lazy to come to me. Am I being unreasonable in standing my ground and not going down to him all the time? I've tried to reason with him for us to sort our transport situations out and then for us to find a house somewhere inbetween where I am and where he is. Please somebody give me some advice on this one as I feel like my anxiety will go through the roof and I don't want anybody to hate me for the decisions I know I'm about to make.

Hi @MummyJ93, firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! Its a difficult time and being apart from your partner can't make it any easier. Do you work? Is there any reason you couldn't move down to him. I'm not saying YABU but sometimes compromise is easier. If he is going continue to be working and you are going to take up to a year of mat leave after the baby then it might be easier for you and him to move in together in his area close to his work. It doesn't have to be permanent you can always move somewhere else afterwards.

That being said if you don't want to move or don't feel comfortable doing it then you shouldn't be pushed into it. Could you after the baby is born and you are on Mat leave stay with your parents half the time and him half the time?

No-one is going to hate you and if they do then they are very juvenile!

Good luck

@MummyJ93 i honestly think hes the one bein quite selfish u said ur willing to look for somewhere to live inbetween, thats called comprise he needs to learn to do sum. Twice in 6wks i know he works but he must get days off and he should understand that u want/need the support of ur family.

Not sure how I reply to people individually on here so I'm gonna sort of reply to two at once.

In regards to the first message, I feel uncomfortable moving out the way from my family with how my mind works mentally, just because I know I'm going to need my family and it's gonna to mean when he's back at work and he's on nights, I'm going to be stuck in a house further away which would require me to be getting 2 trains there and back everyday to see my family. I'm not going to see any of my friends. My partner is only about a year and a half/ 2 years younger than myself and I know he does love and care about me but I sort of feel as though he's the one being selfish. He would "rather not" get on trains because he doesn't like them and personally neither do I but I've always done it for his sake and put his needs and his job first and I feel now he isn't understanding that aspect of things for me and how I feel.

He is also not happy we haven't found a home to live in with the time we have had to sort one out but all's I've ever asked is to be somewhere in the middle and he has always said I've be the one to be unfair so how I will get around this one I really don't know.

Thanks so much for your responses though, I suffer from really bad anxiety and I just didn't know where to turn for the best.

In that case tell him to buck his ideas up and move. If you are that uncomfortable and anxious then it wouldn't be healthy for you to move so far when you are pregnant. You need to do what is best for you and the baby at this stage.

Maybe if you find the home you want to move to mid way and do the admin etc then he might get onboard.

I find things tend to work themselves out and it probably seems worse than it actually is because you are pregnant and anxious.

Not liking trains is a ridiculous excuse not to come see you, I'm in the early stages of pregnancy and manage to take 4 trains daily, to get to and from work every day.

@MummyJ93 my heart really goes out to you but i think you need to stand firm with him and tel him things need to change. Do your family/friends get on with him? You dont want to put you and ur baby in a vulnerable situation where you feel isolated. He should be pampering you not stressing you out x

Yes exactly, I want to put myself and my baby first. And you are right it might well be that I'm just feeling anxious a lot more being 40weeks+2days now. I know my hormones probably are making things much much worse. I'm hoping things do just fall into whatever place they need to be really and I want us to move in together and be a family I really do, but I want to also feel in a comfortable environment close to my family and friends.

Honestly, I would just worry about moving after the baby arrives. For now, you are going to want a safe, comfortable place to be and surrounded by your family is a bonus.

Can he take on the house hunting as his responsibility? Seeing as you are carrying and going to be birthing his child. Be strict with your criteria, i.e it has to be within 10 miles of your family home etc.

Good luck with everything :)

I second that i didnt realise u were so heavily pregnant!

Do not move to where he lives.
Give baby your surname, dad can be on the birth certificate.
Is dad with you now, to wait for your labour to begin? Will he be taking his paternity leave entitlement?
Make sure after baby is born that you settle an agreement on proper, consistent maintenance (via the CMS if necessary).
If he wants to visit his baby, and you of course, for the first wee while, he visits you, absolutely not the other way round.

Good luck OP, I think you're going to need it.

@2fingers22018 I really want to stand my ground and tell him the truth of how things are and can be and ofcourse I want us to be a strong family unit because I do love him and I know he loves me. My friends and family like him although they have met him only a handful of times when he has been down to my house. Yeah I don't want to feel so isolate definitely not. I just want him to sort out some kinda of transport now and then when things are sorted in a few months time we can both meet somewhere in the middle and have our happy home together. I just fear we are going to hit issues along the way x

@tobebebebe He told me he would take over the house hunting responsibility while I'm resting and looking after the baby but he will just keep looking for a place round by where he lives and won't take the consideration for somewhere in the middle. I just feel transport is half the battle if you both can drive because it halves the problems with getting to and from work when the time comes for myself too.

@Clangus00 I would never not give the baby his dads second name as that's something I've always agreed on unless there was we were in an abusive relationship or we never got on but we're still together and he has that right. I agree with what you're saying about the travelling though as I would like to think I'm right in thinking he should be the one coming to me. I keep trying to do things 50/50 and be fair to him, but then I know I'm the one carrying, I'm the one who's struggled, and I'm the one who the baby will be more connected to so I couldn't have him being unsettled.

He isn't with me at the moment as he works nights so our relationship has always pretty much been a relationship where we see each other on weekends. He will be coming down when I go into labour which is basically any minute now as I'm currently 40+3days so hoping it happens in the next 2 days or so and when he takes paternity he will be getting 2 weeks off which I am assuming the obvious that he will be staying at my home with me until he goes back to work. Then I am hoping when the weekends come after that and hopefully some of the days inbetween he will be coming down to see me and the baby a lot more.

It's good he's taking his paternityeave, if he doesn't intend to spend it with you tho I think that would be a deal breaker for me. If you e not had the baby by the weekend perhaps he comes and brings all his clothes etc with him so he's already settled at yours.

Given your anxiety, it makes sense to have proper support around you rather than feeling isolated at his and only seeing family odd weekends. Perhaps once baby is here and he sees how much work they are he'll understand more?

Does he have a cot etc set up at his so you even can go over there with baby for weekends until a new place is sorted?