20 week gender disappointment?

[Candlecandle]

I know this is obviously ridiculous and definitely a first world problem and everything. But it’s stressing me out 😩

We are extremely lucky to have 2 incredible, amazing and healthy girls. I am currently pregnant with our third and -all being well- definitely our last child. This week is 20 wk scan- I am obviously a bit anxious in case anything is wrong, but also we could find out the sex. This is where I’m getting stressed. All my family want to know. But I’m finding it too much.

My partner maintains he doesn’t mind what we have, though I know he’d never admit a preference in 1000 years as he knows I can’t do anything about it and wouldn’t want me to feel bad. But I know him well and have noticed little hints and fair enough if he wants a boy!

I would love a boy too (and also love the thought of 3 girls) BUT I think maybe the reason I’m struggling is I had a brother who died when I was 4 and have imagined and wanted a boy ever since. This is very likely to be the last chance. I don’t know how I will sort it in my head if this baby is a girl and that’s the end of our chance to have a son.

I realise this sounds completely ridiculous and entitled. I do see that. I was unsure about trying for a third due to thinking it was completely unreasonable of me to hope for 3 healthy children. And I do think I don’t appreciate how lucky I am. So why am I hung up on a boy?? Also I don't yet know if this baby is healthy 😩

Anyone with any advice is MUCH appreciated. I do logically know I wouldn’t love my kids more than I already do if they were boys- and I’m sure the same applies with this baby, but arghhhhhh! Thanks for reading this far ❤️

Some people just make boys and some people make just girls- so please be prepared for another girl. I had a tfmr after my first boy, that was also a boy and my next (if all goes well) will be a boy.
You may be thinking this now, but I think when you find out and even more so when you see your baby, you will love it either way and will wonder why you ever worried about the gender.

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, that must have been really tough x

Also, perhaps wait until the birth and don't find out the sex. Nothing else will matter when you have your babe in arms

I think if you already have two of one sex then most people might be keen for one of the other sex third time around. It's fairly natural.
I would find out so you can prepare.
I'm sure you don't need me or anyone else to tell you you'll adore your baby when she or he arrives either way.
You'll forget all about your preferences down the line when your baby becomes a person to you. No point feeling bad about it!

Sorry for your loss, it is not strange that it is on your mind, but is it dominating your thoughts?

A baby boy wouldn't replace your brother or remove the loss and maybe you need to talk in real life about the loss irrespective of whether you are carrying a boy or girl. I mean this in a nice way.

Did you have support to grieve when you were a child?

Thank you all so much for these replies. I think it is a really good idea to expect a girl, I think you're right @rubyroot that some people just make girls/ boys- (we have friends who have 5 boys!) I also think it's factually right that we are more likely to have a girl this time.

Thank you @IdblowJonSnow - that makes me feel better. I have friends who are struggling to conceive so I get really guilty about all this.

@Chocmallows I appreciate your post ❤️ thank you. It's a good question, I'm pretty sure I didn't have any counselling or anything around his death.

My mum is a therapist so maybe she felt she could support me - and was always open to talking about him, but she was so caught up in her grief that I'm not sure how effective that would have been. Definitely still in my head now. Think I might benefit from talking to someone, I hadn't thought of this, thank you.

@rubyroot I'm so sorry you had to have a termination for medical reasons, -I didn't know what the acronym meant. So sorry you had to go through that 😭

I think whatever happens when the baby is born you will see it and be happy even if it’s a girl so try not to worry. You may be better of waiting until then as the rush of love will allow you to not care. Whilst finding in a room with no baby infront of you is harder to digest.
I do think if you have an extreme preference it would have been worth just doing gender selection or atleast ivf gender swaying methods. But I know not everyone like the idea of gender selection

Sorry I meant ivf selection or natural swaying methods like the shettles method

I think its totally natural to want the opposite sex esp when you already have children... my mum lost my sister when I was younger and for some reason when I got pregnant with my first I was convinced I would have a girl kind of like a homage to my sister... daft as it sounds.. I however had a boy then went on to have another boy. This time around I did want a girl this is our last too and I thought it would be absolutley lovely to have a girl and sure with 2 boys already then it made more sence for this one to be a girl rite?? Well hes definitely a boy and at first I was a little gutted that I wouldnt get the girl I wanted but within a few days after my scan I was over the moon that we get another son! Plus I know what I'm doing with boys haha.

My husband wanted another boy I wanted a girl it's just one of those things no matter what people say they have preferences as to what they want but it's good we dont actually get the choice lol. You will love this child no matter what so try not get hung on if it's a boy or girl and enjoy your pregnancy xxx

@Boymummy3 I agree with what you say. I was expecting anither boy, but I can't lie, the idea of one boy and one girl was the ultimate. I won't have another chance after this, I'm 41 and on my 5th pregnancy.
Though, I also think there's massive pros to having a boy, and I am really happy. A brother for my existing child (hope they don't fight) and I can reuse all his old clothes and toys.

Thanks so much for all your kind replies, it really helps. I'm sure you're right that actually this could be the most tricky bit, in this respect, as like you say there's no baby yet. When my first was born and they asked if I wanted to know the sex I really wasn't interested! It didn't matter at all.

So sorry you lost a sister @Boymummy3 It is strange growing up with the shadow of what could have been. Thanks again so much for the responses.