Please dont mind the im dutch. Okay, where to start? I am now 25 weeks pregnant and unhappier than ever. I really really regret not having an abortion when i could. I did not want to have this baby in the first place, since i dont want to stay with the father and absolutely not want to raise a child by myself. By the time i was able to get an abortion i was very unstable emotionally and physically. I was without any strenght in my body and sick every day. I made 5 appointments but wasnt able to go to any. I was doubting too much and the only reason why i did was because of my BF. He wanted to keep the baby at any costs, even when i told him i didnt. I was afraid to speak up and tell how i felt all the way. Deep inside i knew this was not what i wanted, but shame and fear stopped me from getting an abortion. After 12 weeks i started to feel better and for a while i accepted the situation. But later on the feeling came back. Once i was 15/16 weeks i started regretting my desicion even more. By that time i belived that it was too late for abortion and i was stuck. I was afraid of lifelong regret, not that i wanted the baby but more because of guild. Since that time the feeling is getting stronger and stronger. I hate being pregnant and don’t want to be attached to this man forever. I feel so so sad that this is the way i will have a baby. I dont like the feeling of the baby moving, i dont like my big belly.. The relationship with the father is always been rough and my biggest fear was to get his child. He is a gamble addicted man, lives from growing weed, never had a normal job, neither had his family or friends, does nothing in and arround the house. Besides all this he treats me well. He always wants to cuddle, tells me im beautifull, brings food etc. He wants this baby very much and touches my belly every day multiple times. He promises me he will stop gambeling and open a buisiness. I the last 10 years nothing he promised ever happened. I left him many times becauae of all of this. He never left me alone, always kept contacting me and convincing me to come back and promised me all good things. I was not strong enough to ignore him and even felt sorry for him. He truly belived he was able to change and even had me beliving him. Ive always worked hard to built my life and finished my education,have a good job i love, some good friends and family. My life was good even without him. When i left i had a nice appartment with my best friend in Amsterdam and i gave all of this up again for him and i regret it soo much. All responsibility is on me. I just feel like i want to be with someone who has his shit togetther and has a same mindset. Whenever i spend time with him and his family I feel that i totally dont belong there. Im an adventurous person, loves to go out sometimes and meet new people and have an open mindset. He is sort of the opposit. Has a quit negative look towards life and is always suspicious towards me and others. I just dont love him anymore and have no more energy to work on this relationship. We both cheated on each other in the past, but we decided to forgive and move on. That when i was 7 weeks pregnant i found out he was planning to see a girl he had slept with before. Ever since i have hard times sleeping and keep telling myself what have i done, i had all the reasons to leave and not have his baby. I feel so sorry that a child will come to this world in these circumstances. I just wish i could take back time. I know that in the end i will be a good mom and love this child but i feel so so sad that it had to happen this way. I am afraid to leave him although i know it will have to be done at some point. I still hope something will go wrong with the pregnany. That would give me a new chance to live the life i wanted and leave him without any attachment. I used to be happy because i felt i would leave him anyway one day and have a whole life in front of me. I know I will not regret this baby once its born, but i will always regret my choices and the father of the child. Im even thinking about moving to another country with or without the baby. Ive also thought about suicide a lot.. even though i wont do it. I just dont see any way out no more.