Do i love my husband anymore? 3 months pregnant.

[kathldn]

Hi all, Im new to mumsnet and wanted to ask for another (or several others) opinion on my current situation.

I am 3 months pregnant, and have been married to my husband for almost 5 months.

We decided to elope for our marriage, and as soon as we got back I told my friends and family. We didnt get wedding rings to start with.

5 months down the line and my husband has only just told his parents were married, and was still referring to me at work as his 'girlfriend' until the other day when I practically had to force him to buy a wedding ring to symbolise our marriage. (I have had a ring for a while now...he spent 15 pounds on one in argos) I announced our marriage on my social media accounts and he still hasnt bothered.

we are yet to tell his family were expecting a baby, and im really in two minds as to whether or not im happy being pregnant with his child anymore.

We've just recently bought a new house and of course he hasnt told his family any of this either, and whenever they ask him about it he says he is considering moving, and doesnt tell them we've sold our house, have bought a new one and are actually moving in 5 weeks time!

He has a stressful job however he comes home absolutely wasted 3-4 nights a week, without telling me he's going out. he just says he's working late and then rolls in whenever he feels like it stinking of alcohol.

my husband is 37 years old and im 27 years old and im beyond fed up of the way he is treating me and the 'respect' he has for our marriage. He does absolutely nothing around the house. he does his own washing without offering to do mine ( I always do ours together) he gets himself dinner after work and doesnt let me know, so im sat at home waiting for him to eat with me.

He lies to me constantly and I feel like he's making a complete mockery out of our marriage and me.

The only time I ever see him happy is when he has alcohol in his hands. At the weekend I try to push for us to do nice things such as go for walks and for roast lunch etc and my husband HATES doing it, and then later says to me he spends his whole time doing things i like that he doesnt want to do.

Its like he has absolutely no joy in life. he is incredibly wealthy and behaves like it. He has previously turned around to me in the past and told me im not entitled to an opinion within our relationship because i dont have as much money as him.

Im at the end of my tether and i really feel like im throwing my life away for someone who cant even tell people were married. I almost feel like i dont love him anymore. Does anyone have any advice?

Wow! Short answer to your question: Get out!
Seriously. You’re his wife, mother of his child, and shameful secret.
He’s made you invisible and he’s a drunk. There’s nowhere left to go with this guy and I can assure you, upward isn’t your direction of travel.

At the risk of sounding corny, marriage is a together thing. You pretty much don’t exist, as far as he’s concerned.

You bought a house together? Time to sell.
Please please please don’t waste years on this time bandit.

with this time bandit

Why did u even marry this bloke?? Sorry if that seems blunt but if my partner treated me like this I wouldn't even consider marriage let alone a child with him! I would get out and make a better life for you and your child honestly no point staying in an unhappy relationship esp when he doesn't even respect you! Who does he think he is even saying that to you about money, relationships are about being equal it doesn't matter who makes more money or whatever. Please get out of this now while you can before the baby is born xx

I dont even know if i want his baby anymore

Why did you marry him and get pregnant by him? What an absolutely ridiculous situation that you're now potentially bringing an innocent child into

He wasn't like this until after we got married. and since ive become pregnant its like he's turned into a completely different person.

it wasn't until after we got married he started to hide things from people, and then once I became pregnant his behavior became much worse. I obviously wouldn't have married him if he had treated me like this before.

I mostly agree with PP in that you shouldn't stay with him, obviously the drinking aspect is awful but what really struck me is that he only washes his own dishes? That tells me everything I need to know, if he won't share chores like dishes there's not way he's going to pull his weight when caring for your baby.

Now leaving and divorcing your husband and getting rid of his child are two VERY different things! He hardly sounds like Dad of the year but you need to remember it's not the baby's fault & baby won't neccessarily be anything like him! Also you need to seriously consider what the impact of terminating the pregnancy will have on you.

I'm not saying being a single mum would be easy but it's definitely possible although I completely agree that it should always be a woman's choice whether or not she wants to have the baby. All I'm saying is take your crappy husband out of the equation and seriously think about what's best for you and your baby.

Hope things work out OP xx

Get out, asap.

I’d 100% be getting out. He’s no respect for you, your marriage and your unborn child. In my opinion this will all get worse when the baby is here. I fear he will be put the house a hell of a lot more when you have a baby keeping you awake and you feel tired. It’s a challenging time for the strongest of couples. On the flip side he may feel differently when the baby is here and stop being a selfish pig which is what he sounds like now I’m sorry to say.

I feel for you as my babies dad was awful to me and I am now doing this all on my own but I’m ok with it as I cannot be with someone like that. He was ok until the baby news then turned. I’m not prepared to put myself in a situation where I’m going to be treated like rubbish and neither should you xx

we planned our wedding long before we did it, with the view of having a second wedding next year so my dad (who unfortunately has terminal cancer and is very unwell) can walk me down the aisle. he now says we 'cant afford this'

we also planned for our baby, and is now behaving like this.

im in complete shock. he doesnt even resemble a fraction of the man I fell in love with.

I was going to private message you but decided to comment instead. This is my third attempt due to the extreme similarities in our situations. Ages, length of marriage, pregnancy, moving house, regret toward pregnancy/ loss of feelings ...etc.
Although my DH has already given up alcohol he was like yours once.

Is this type of behaviour normal for him?

My DH doesn’t try to ‘hide’ me (we had a big ceremony with fam/friends- he wears a ring...etc) but he NEVER draws attention - no social media, didn’t mention marriage/baby to anyone at work until prompted.

However this is normal for him- he could have received an OBE from the queen on Saturday and wouldn’t mention it at work on Monday 😂🙈

Your DH’s lack of telling his family is what worries me most - it sounds like he’s actively trying to ‘hide you’ which is HUGE alarm bells. Are you close to him fam, do you lunch with his mum....etc.

I do and my DH refuses to tell her we’re moving house as thinks she’ll disagree - so he’s just waiting for me to do it over lunch 😂🙈❤️

I’ve been poorly with this pregnancy and have 100% fantasised about termination and being single again!

However DH treats me with complete respect and love at all times! If your DH doesn’t (if you tell him what you want/how you feel and he ignores that) then you need to get out of the relationship!

My DH often has to be told what I want him to do - post on SM etc but he will do it if I ask 😂❤️🙈

@disneymademedoit Thankyou for your reply.

Im not really close with his family as he tries to keep me as seperate from them as he can.

My husband wont give up alcohol and denys having any sort of problem with it.

I too, have been very unwell in my pregnancy and have been in and out of hospital several times and A+E. My husband has lied to his family about this and told them something else was wrong with me, rather than telling them the truth so I would have some further support.

I have told my husband how i feel however, his response is 'i have everything i could possibly want' ... yes i do have a lovely home, materialistic things and a baby on the way.. however i no longer have the man i married, and that is far more important to me than anything else.

I dont know if i can now bring a child into this world on my own at the age of 27. I feel like I have given up my life for him to just hide me and keep me as his secret.

@Kath

Ah, I’m guessing you’ve had HG too? 🤮🤢😭

My DH didn’t want to tell fam about my pregnancy until after 12 weeks but ended up telling them at 6 due to how unwell I was!

If you DH doesn’t listen to you THATS a problem.

I TOTALLY understand how you feel about your baby- I Sometimes Fantasise about having ‘accidents’ where I’ll miscarry but nobody would think it’s my fault! Being so poorly and feeling the loss of freedom/trapped that comes with some pregnancies is very hard!

I think my DH is quite a bit more compliant than yours so I feel extremely sorry for you.
Please do separate your relationship and your baby though and don’t make any rash decisions in the state you’re in now.

Deal with your DH problem and then deal with your baby situation - speak to the midwife/GP ask is there’s someone you can talk to/for support.

If you don’t want to continue that’s your choice but please don’t make the choice when you’re drowning in the depths of hormones/misery you’re no doubt feeling now. I know- I’ve been there- I still get there sometimes xx

Why does he say he is keeping the marriage, pregnancy and house a secret? What could possibly be the reason for this. Def should sound alarm bells. I really feel for you. This should be the most exciting time for you with all that’s going on.

@1ce1cebaby he says he is 'managing' things his way.

he is a managing consultant for work and talks about our relationship like hes 'managing' his work

@disneymademedoit

I had a misscarriage scare as I was having severe abdominal pains. and since then have been bleeding and also having several gallbladder attacks and pancreatitis, hence all the hospital visits!

you're right about not making a decision based on how im feeling at the moment. Im just finding myself in a constant state of having to pack my suitcase and residing at my mums house!

Such an odd way to describe it. Obviously he is acting like a complete douche and is so out of order. But, I’m sure if he could go back to how he was 5 months ago, the man you loved, wanted to marry and have a baby with you would be happiest with that outcome. So I wouldn’t rush to leaving him (presumably he has been a good man longer than he has been a knob). But when he seems closed to the prospect of communication with you it’s difficult to relay your feelings and see if that changes things. I wonder would a ‘break’ help him see sense and what he is missing out on. Either way, lots of love and luck your way

why dont you get in touch with his family? Tell them the baby news etc if he wont do it if it means that much to you for them to know of course.. the other thing did he switch since you became married
Married 5 month and 3 month pregnant ? So was it before the baby news or after that he changed? Not that it matters really as he should be waiting on you hand and foot and cherishing you lol. It could be 1 of two things...

1. he didn't actually want marriage/baby and all along was saying it just to keep you happy. (My ex did this he hated me being pregnant and actually cheated on me whilst I was because he wasnt Happy 🙈then once I left him begged me to marry him cos he knew it was what I had originally wanted of course I told him to do one lol)
2. Hes Scared that both of your lives will change and is acting up like a child lol alot of men actually do this for some reason.. he may be in denial about the baby etc and didn't think it would all happen so fast so instead of thinking logically his head has gone west lol.

I would sit down with him tell him what hes doing to you and your relationship, ask him does he want to loose you because your not sticking around to be a 'secret' when he should want to shout your news from he rooftops . X

Don’t take this the wrong way but could it be hormones exaggerating the situations?
When your pregnant you assume the worse of everything so if my partner was out for a drink and was an hour late then I would assume he found a more attractive girl!
My partner left it awhile telling his parents as he just didn’t know how to and was scared of there reaction

You sound like you don’t want this baby as you have repeated you don’t know if you want this baby any more but you need to remember that baby is alive and all it knows is your love. It’s not the babies fault so it would be unfair to terminate especially if you were trying for a baby.
I think you need to give this guy an intimating, either he straightens up or you are leaving, obviously don’t keep him from the child if he wants to be there but if you mutually agree it’s whats best to be separated then that’s better than you dealing with all this stress. A baby changes a man in a big way, he’s maybe stressed out

Have scanned the entire thread but can't see it (sorry if it's there) - how long were you together before getting married OP? Did you live together before hand?