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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Ex boyfriends family visiting my daughter

13 replies

amb38 · 10/10/2019 23:27

I'm pregnant with my daughter and my ex and his mum have made me so miserable and have caused so much stress during my pregnancy from threats to harassment I've had it all from the pair of them. When my baby is born I will be living at home with my parents and my ex will be living with his. Am I within my rights to ask if they want to visit my daughter they can visit her at my home? Or we could meet in public for example at a coffee shop or soft play while they spend time with her? I don't really trust my daughter going with my ex's mum because I don't know what she's capable of after the threats she's thrown at me. I've spoken to my ex about this and he is completely fine with it but I know when his mum hears about it there will be ww3 as usual. I know she will want my baby over night or for me to drop her off and leave her with them for the day and I just don't think I'll be comfortable doing that, my ex is ok with it atm but once his mum says something he jumps straight on it and agrees with her!

OP posts:
Spanglebangle · 10/10/2019 23:48

Grandparents have no rights. You won't have to let your ex have her without you present for a long time especially if you are breastfeeding. Baby cannot be without mum in the early days.

sprite25 · 11/10/2019 10:01

Block his family from contacting you and tell them anymore harassment and threats and you'll be going to the police. You are the child's mother, and although the dad obviously has rights and should have an input, as the child's main carer you will be calling the shots. If they can't be amicable with you then I'd say it's perfectly reasonable to say you don't want to leave your baby with them.

Billballbaggins · 11/10/2019 10:04

She has no rights at all. Can you just block her and sort contact out between you and your ex. Overnights don’t have to happen until you are comfortable

Billballbaggins · 11/10/2019 10:04

And every single time she harasses you or is threatening report her to the police. Every single time. Don’t allow her to walk all over you.

amb38 · 11/10/2019 10:28

My ex is trying to say he will have her 3 days a week and I will have her 4 surely that can't be correct!

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 11/10/2019 15:59

I agree with the other posters, grandparents have no rights, and I would also agree that it would be wise to log and report everything! What a horrible thing to have to deal with during your pregnancy, you won’t have to do over nights until you are ready to do them, and if you have a record of all the trouble they are causing it would be certainly stand to you in court if you decide to go down that road at a later stage. It’s hard to believe some people can be so horrible!!!!

thethoughtfox · 11/10/2019 16:26

They have no rights. Have a consultation with a solicitor:no one would agree to even the father having overnights until the baby is older.

wibdib · 11/10/2019 18:48

First off, make sure that he is not on the birth certificate so will have to go to court if he wants any parental rights. From everything I've read on MN this is really important as it doesn't stop you from claiming child support from him but at least in the early days will stop him or his family just swooping in and picking the baby up and not returning them for however long - you can tell the police that they have kidnapped your baby and they will have to get him back for you whereas if you have put the dad on the birth certificate then they will be able to take the baby and claim equal rights, and having possession the police won't be able to take them away and give them back to you. Likewise get the baby registered quickly if you have a name and make sure that you give them your surname rather than your ex's surname. Doesn't matter if he thinks it should have his name - you are the one with parental rights and chances you will be doing all the day to day stuff so the same surname will make life much easier.

Secondly if they contact you keep any messages as evidence that they are harassing you. Send one message to them to tell them to stop contacting you, that any further contact is harassment and you will report them to the police... and then just ignore them. However don't block them - let text messages arrive and ignore them, set your phone up so it blocks their calls (not sure if you can set them to count the number of calls though)) and if they use other phones then keep any messages or voice messages to use as evidence. Set your email up so any emails from your ex go into a folder that you check once a week so you don't constantly have to d deal with it - you can just go through the folder once a week or whatever you feel like doing and it will all be in one place for ease of giving evidence over if it's harrassing.

definitely don't let the grandparents get into any routine with your baby - while grandparents don't have any real rights per se, if they see a child a lot on a regular basis then sometimes they can argue that they are a regular part of the child's life and therefore should have some access.

on your pregnancy notes, make sure that you put a big note on it that you don't want any info passing out about you or the baby to [list of people] - and on that list put your ex, his parents, any of their siblings or friends that you know about. Don't put 'the baby's fater/GPs' on the off chance they try to use it as leverage at the time or further down the line.

Insist that you are going to breast feed the baby, even if you are not, on the basis it is best for the baby to be breast fed for the first two years of its life (according to the World Health Organisation) - because if they try to argue that they should have the baby then how can they when you are trying to feed it - because if they say no then it shows they don't have the baby's best interest at heart. Remember that it can take a while for bf to settle down and you might want to mix feed for a while, and this might be a great excuse for why you have bottles and milk gubbins at your house - but it's a great thing to be able to talk about in advance to set expectations and show that you have the baby's beset interests at heart (even if you are planning on bottle feeding - they don't have to know that!).

Talk to your midwife - they should be able to give you good advice and signpost you to appropriate services to help you deal with your ex too.

Good luck!

Cherry85 · 11/10/2019 21:04

Further to the above - make all the comms you can in text or email, if they are phone call follow them up with a text just so you have a written record. Hopefully you wont need it but always useful to have if you ever do need them.

june2007 · 11/10/2019 21:33

If your bottle feeding then 3 and 4 day split sounds fair I mean why not? But if you bf then that would not be reasonable and you can avoid over night stays for a few months. (not sure for how long though 6m, 1 yr??)

Gingerkittykat · 11/10/2019 21:39

Your ex should arrange contact with his parents, and it should be on his time and not yours.

I do agree a tiny baby should be with her mum the majority of the time though and would not be happy with a 4/3 split.

PlasticPatty · 11/10/2019 21:44

A 3-4 day split is not acceptable for a baby, she will need uninterrupted contact with her primary carer, in this case, her mother.

I speculate that in years to come, the 3-4 split will be named as a major cause of childhood trauma.

Ilovechocolate01 · 11/10/2019 21:52

I don't think you'll know until your baby is here. If you breastfeed it'll be more difficult to do more than a few hours contact. My baby is 5 months old and I've not been able to leave her at all yet as she doesn't take a bottle or dummy. I'm the only one who can settle her, not even my DH. She wakes every hour to two hours at night. I doubt your ex will find that fun. Or you may have a baby who will take a bottle feed from anyone and sleeps through quickly like my DS, every baby is different. Don't make any plans or promises and be as vague as possible. Ideally minimal contact until baby is born you don't need the stress. Is he ex DP or ex DH as it'll make a difference regarding registering the birth and parental responsibility

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