Could you please tell me I'm normal on this really unimportant-in-the-scheme-of-things matter? Thanks

[BellaBear]

I am 14+5. I worry too much. Despite having a scan two weeks ago and seeing a (literally) bouncing baby, I seem to be constantly worried that something is wrong, and every time someone congratulates me (we told people after the scan) I want to touch wood. I also seem to be making 'if' statements rather than 'when' statements. I had a mc at six weeks in February but I don't think that is the cause of the worry. I wish there was some easy way of checking that everything is okay so I could relax. I think it is probably my fault for reading so much on the internet! Anyway, a few statements of 'yes, I felt that way too' would be really nice. Actually, just writing this down has helped, because it is quite difficult to say to people when they are so happy for you.

um I hate to tell you, it doesn't get any better!! I used to think once I got to 28 weeks I wouldn't worry because then the baby would have a chance, the worry free zone lasted about 1 week.

I was convinced I would give birth to a dead baby, I took in second hand babygrows to put on as didn't want to waste money when I would never need them again.

Once i had dc1 home, i spent first year worrying about cot death.

She is now 6 and I still worry about her and her younger siblings all the time - i don't see a lorry driving down the road, I see the lorry driving off the road, up a steep bank and squashing us all.

Everywhere we go is fraught with danger, I think it is one of the joys of parenthood!!

That's so true about telling people - for at least the first 16 weeks every time I told anybody I was pregnant I would then become convinced I would be bleeding next time I went to the loo. Still checking at 21 weeks! I almost felt as if I was pretending to be pregnant like some bizarro nutcase.

Bella - loving the holiday, still three more weeks and then only half a term before my leave begins! Does your leave work out well around holidays? Have you decided how long you'll take yet? There are definitely times when being a teacher is the best job in the world, quite apart from the kids making us laugh a lot!

BellaBear, welcome to the club! I'm 17 weeks and still can't believe that there's no sign of blood when I wee. I worry endlessly about whether there's really a baby in there, whether it is OK, whether it's going to be born alive...it's as if you are focusing on the negative stuff all the time but once the seed of doubt is in there it's bloody hard to shift.

Personally, I've spoken to my midwife about this and she's suggested that whenever I'm worried I pop into the ante-natal clinic at my local surgery to chat and have the heartbeat checked. I have hardly taken her up on the offer but when I have it has been gut-wrenchingly reassuring. Is there any way that your midwife could do the same for you? It certainly might be worth having a chat with her.

Perhaps we should have a thread where we all worry together. That way we won't feel alone and we can all knock sense into each other.

Sx

I have my next midwife appt on Monday and then I am away for two weeks, so I'll ask her then about stress and worries. Today a work colleague gave me loads of baby stuff he no longer needs, so I now have a carseat, moses basket, sling and twenty reusable nappies sitting in my living room. I think I will have to hide it for the next six months.

fleacircus - EDD is 6th Feb so will work till Christmas and officially start leave 7th Jan, giving me six weeks which is quite good. Odd to learn all those new names and then leave them after a term - even weirder for you I suppose!

Now I've got used to the not bleeding thing, I've been thinking about all the problems that could happen without bleeding. it just goes on and on!

Yes - are you keeping your form group (it was year 10, IIRC)? Mine was Y11; I'm going into school next Thursday when they get their results, which will be weird as when they left I wasn't showing at all and now I'm very obviously pregnant. Now I've been given a new year 8, which is pretty lame timetabling as I'll only have them for half a term and then leave them with abandonment issues for the next poor sod to pick up. Oh well.

Scan yesterday - apparently baby is a girl and entirely normal except for unusually large abdomen which DP and I found hilarious - we're imagining a little pot bellied baby.

yes, I've got Year 11, had them since YEar 7 so a bit annoying to get so near the whole five years! But I am returning for their leaving do! I hope I am showing at the beginning of term, when I tell them.

Year 8? Poor class! It's crap having loads of different form tutors, I'll bet the parents aren't going to be pleased either! You'd think they could let you off for the last seven weeks.

Must be great to follow a group through like that. I only had mine a year (have only been at the school just over a year) but got very attached to them; also my school is a bit shit about tutoring/pastoral so they really appreciated the fact that I actually took an interest in them and were extremely lovely. I do feel bad about this year 8 group though; I'd been told by the Dep H I wouldn't have a group this term, and the HOY obviously agrees that it's not the best thing for them, but obviously none of that has actually had any effect on the timetable. And the school is shit about pastoral so I don't think anyone's thought it through properly.

Are you feeling any better? Talking to the MW on Monday is a good idea.

All pregnant women worry to some degree and I would predict that pregnant women who have suffered miscarriages might worry more than most.
In my case I didn't really worry that much during pregnancy (I'm now pregnant with 3rd). I would read a statistic that there was a 1 in 10,000 chance of X happening to my baby and immediately think thats 9,999 chances out of 10,000 that it won't happen. However, the whole parental thing really caused me to feel the most unbelievable anguish (like feeling really sad and tearful that at some unknown point in the future someone might break my daughter's heart or hurt her or even just cause her a bit of upset). I think worrying about your children takes up a fair amount of time for most parents. It doesn't really stop. My Mum still worries about me (I don't think she has any reason to) and I'm 36.
Try and think positively, when worries arise picture the baby bouncing about when you had the scan.

Thank you renaissancewoman.

Am feeling much more positive now, not sure why! I suppose it comes and goes.

You are perfectly normal! I have lost 2 babies, at 7 weeks and 21 weeks, so with DS (3 months) I didn't even start enjoying the pg until after the 20 weeks scan, and didn't relax properly at all.
Sounds like everything is going well, try to stay as relaxed as you can. I thought about getting one of those scanners but decided against it - someone DH knew got one and was forever dashing to the doctors in panic or ringing the midwife because she couldn't find a heartbeat. But if you think it would reassure you, give it a go.

thanks flowerybeanbag

Bella, this is my 5th pg after 4 mc following years of ttc and invasive treatment - we'd actually given up as it was all too stressful and then it just happened . Anyway I can totally relate to everything you say. It feels like DH and I can hardly breathe for fear of something going wrong again. He won't even talk about the possibility of us having a real life baby. I am 15 weeks now and guess what - due date of 5 Feb! So we can worry together if you like. I am a worrier anyway like you but this has been off the scale. I don't think I've had a decent night's sleep since we found out and I feel so weird when we tell people and they say 'you must be so excited' - well I'd like to be but the overriding emotion has been one of unbelievable anxiety, coupled with a sense of total disbelief. When we have scans I keep waiting to be told there's nothing in there and I've made it all up . Well Bella, and everyone out there in the 'worrying' gang, I hope we find as our pregnancies progress (and think positive because the odds are that they WILL) we start to relax a little bit. I'd love to be one of those serene women who are completely laid back about it but I just can't be. Now I'm worrying like mad about 20 week scan... But I think if you've ever had a problem with any pregnancy (and even if you haven't) worrying is probably very normal.

Hello all you worriers
I have had my children (a boy aged 7 and a girl aged 3 and an MC in the middle of them) so I am sympathetic but also blimming relieved I am not planning any more ...

I think part of the problem is that fact you have NO control over your pregnancy. Most things you have control over - what you eat, what you wear, what you do for a living, where you live ... even things you think you don't have control over you actually do ... your health, whether you smoke/drink or have an addiction of any kind, at the end of the day you do have control and choice.
With a pregnancy, that is it, it feels like you are in the lap of fate/the gods/whatever ... because at the end of the day, if something goes wrong you can't do anything about it ...

Well, I don't know about you but that is how I rationalised and talked through my worry for me ... I had no control and hated that and so therefore worried and panicked ...

And it is interesting to read that you are a teacher Bella ... I have a theory about that too
I used to be a teacher and it is part of the control thing too ... you are used to being in control, not only of yourself, but of people around you .. the children you teach ... what work they do, how they do it, what the outcome should be, how they behave etc etc ..
And here is this little being in your body over whom you have no control ...
Do you sense a theme here?

I also found life difficult when my first was a newborn because of this control thing ... I couldn't work out how I could silence 300 children in a Hall just by entering the room but I couldn't stop a tiny baby crying ...

My advice to you would be, if you can, to LET IT GO ...
I was able to let go of many of my anxieties in my pregnancy with DD after the 12 week mark because I wanted to enjoy the pregnancy and I had a little boy to look after who could do without a raving loon for a mother for 9 months ...
Accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do about the outcome and putting trust in my body to nurture this baby helped ...

HTH ..

neuroticlady - thanks, we should keep in touch, are you on an AN thread? I am just about keeping up (slightly) with the pregnancy after mc thread so I am staying off the feb 08 one. 4 mcs must be hell. one was crap.

ghosty - your post made me smile a lot because you talk a lot of sense! I'm sure control has MUCH to do with my feelings. I keep thinking 'if only I get to this stage, it will be okay' and then once at that stage, I'm relaxed for all of ten minutes and then it starts again. Part of the latest stress, now I look back on it, was being away on holiday and being ill and worrying that was making something bad happen. Last night I kept getting twinges in my abdomen - didn't feel like wind or cramps, couldn't work it out. thanks for your sensible post!

Bella, sorry to be dim but what do you mean by AN thread...? And I haven't even checked the pg after mc thread yet, blimey where do you start? Yes it has been pretty crap, any mc is as you know, and I'm sure it's lead to me having ZERO belief that my body is up to the job this time round. Need to get my head round the fact it's going to tick along perfectly well (or not ) without my neuroses getting in the way.

Ghosty, you made me smile, too. As well as a world-class worrier I am a total control freak. Not a good combination when pg and all control goes out the window. And as you say, it doesn't stop when the bub comes along.

Also, just sussed you're in Oz too. (Just posted on the overseas bit) . I'm a bit new to all this - and a bit slow on the uptake... Sorry to hijack your thread, Bella. Will shut up now.

No need to shut up! There are threads for babies due in different months (AnteNatal threads in the topic lists) where posters chat about their pregnancies and generally make friends and have a support network, which are really cool but I am a wuss and don't fancy joining one and then dropping out.

this is the pregnancy after mc one - similar to above but everyone is in different stages of pregnancy. I post on it sporadically, but it really is a fantastic area for support. Just post a message introducing yourself and loads of lovely posters will welcome you!

Aha! All crystal clear now Bella, thank you. Apologies for being a dimwit. And you are absolutely not a wuss for thinking like that re the AN threads (see, I know the lingo now). Similar misgivings for me, too. It's rubbish, isn't it?

Hello BellaBear. It's nice to know that there are other people going through this too! I am 20 weeks, and still shy away from congratulations- I tell people that I haven't done anything yet so only to congratulate me when I have delivered a healthy baby! They all tell me I am being silly, but it really feels like that to me. I have also tried not to tell friends and family who I wouldn't see otherwise, because I don't like the thought of untelling them if the baby dies. Be warned, for me it got worse not better when I felt the baby move, cos then for hours and hours you don't feel the baby move and then you get completely freaked out. And then you worry about not eating as well as you should, or that solvent your builders unexpectedly used, or flying, or aromatherapy, or standing by fumy roads, or walking all day- ARGH! I can just invent one worry after another. I just find it really reassuring to hear that I am not the only one, and that there is really nothing more to do than wait and see. The one thing I do find helps is ante-natal yoga, which is quite soothing and relaxing. And don't underestimate the power of a good cathartic sob.

Bella - feel exactly the same. This is pg no 5 for me, I have 1 dd who has some growth, health and developmental problems as a result of inherited genetic thing. This was most likely the reason for the mc's as well.

Am now 31 weeks, and despite all clear on the previous genetic issues, good scans, spot on growth, good movements etc I am still a wound up bag of nerves. I now fret about various injuries and traumas that could happen at birth.. infections (have had a paranoid freak out over thought of cmv just cos I blew into a whistle my friend's toddler had. And am already planning bum swabs for Group B Strep!)

Really is a bit OTT and ridiculous I know but for me I guess its because I spent so long facing up to possibility of being unable to have a healthy child - I won't fully believe it till it happens and baby is in my arms.

Wishing you all the best x

all comments appreciated , thank you.

I rang my GP today as I got a bit worried over the twinges I was feeling. The receptionist said I could come in in a hour (I had just rung to see if I could talk to her!) which was really nice, so I did. When I saw the GP I told her I could have rung her fifteen times in the last two months so I was quite pleased I lasted this long! She was lovely, very understanding and we managed to listen to the heartbeat which was extremely reassuring. Well I say we, she kept saying 'there it is, do you hear that?' and I kept saying 'No, but if you can I am quite happy'. Feel somewhat daft as have midwife appt on Monday but there you have it. Twinges are most probably growing pains, which is exactly what my more rational part of my mind was saying all along.

Do they have 'GP of the year' awards?

What a fab and very reassuring moment. Good on you for doing something to make you feel better. Really pleased all is well and that you have a great GP. Makes such a difference if you feel you need a bit of hand-holding through all this. You've actually helped to put my mind at rest, too, as I'm at the same stage as you and getting similar twinges - so thanks!! It can feel like it's such a long time in between scans/check-ups, can't it? I think CBCB is right and it will be so much better when we can feel our bubs moving about (apart from when they go quiet !) Shouldn't be too long now...

Hello I'm another worrier!
Bella and Neurotic lady my EDD is 7th Feb.
I had an M/C first time round and second time I worried myself silly. I didn't even tell my own parents about the pregnancy until I'd had the 20 week scan.
After this I really don't think I enjoyed the pregnancy until the last few 'huge' weeks- when things seemes innevitable and the baby was moving loads.
All was well and I have a wonderful 14 month old boy.
I'm not worrying quite so much this time, but I totally identify with many of the sentiments read below, waiting for blood, touching wood, not buying baby things etc. Its a shame because it should be such a joyful time.
Keep talking to people who Do understand and try to focus on other things.
I think that when you feel movement for the first time you Will feel relief from your worry.
All the very best to everyone! xx

Hello I'm another worrier!
Bella and Neurotic lady my EDD is 7th Feb.
I had an M/C first time round and second time I worried myself silly. I didn't even tell my own parents about the pregnancy until I'd had the 20 week scan.
After this I really don't think I enjoyed the pregnancy until the last few 'huge' weeks- when things seemes innevitable and the baby was moving loads.
All was well and I have a wonderful 14 month old boy.
I'm not worrying quite so much this time, but I totally identify with many of the sentiments read below, waiting for blood, touching wood, not buying baby things etc. Its a shame because it should be such a joyful time.
Keep talking to people who Do understand and try to focus on other things.
I think that when you feel movement for the first time you Will feel relief from your worry.
All the very best to everyone! xx