Desperate for help, pregnant, boyfriend ignoring me, angry MIL

[lostandconfused2]

I'm desperate for help and advice and I don't know what to do.

Firstly, I just want to say a couple of points:

• I know my boyfriend is struggling & is entitled to his feelings
• I know my boyfriend's mum is also entitled to her feelings
• I just don't want to be treated like this

I am nine weeks pregnant and it came as a huge surprise. I was told I couldn't have children due to past surgery and I was going to look into IVF when I was older, as I have been very career-focused instead. My boyfriend is 27 and still lives at home with his parents, while I have my own place.

We were in a healthy, happy and loving relationship, but we have only been together for nine months. When I found out I was pregnant it was a huge shock, I didn't know how to feel and my boyfriend is certain he doesn't want it. Which again I understand is fair enough and you can't force someone to have a baby. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do - and said if I did choose to keep it, he could leave and I would raise it alone, but he was adament about staying and supporting me.

We decided to tell my family and they were happy for me. We then told his mum and she went ballistic. She told him it would ruin his life, that he's not ready, that she doesn't want it for him. She's very close to his brother's girlfriend and even said if it was X and X it would be a different story.

I don't quite understand because they did have a pregnancy scare after only a year together - and she was happy for them.

Ever since she has been isolating me. She has stopped talking to me so much, I feel awkward around her but I always try to make an effort, be polite, compliment her, remember to say thank you for having me etc. My boyfriend spends most nights at my place and she doesn't like it. She has told him he spends too much time with me. He doesn't stick up for me.

The other day we were in the kitchen and she made a point of saying to my partner: You need to be home tomorrow night. We are having a takeaway and family are coming over. Right in front of me, which made me feel really uncomfortable that I wasn't invited when it wasn't a formal thing or anything, whereas my family have totally embraced him. I told my boyfriend it made me feel bad, as I would have liked to have met his family, and she told him 'It was family only'.

I tried to brush it off but the past few days it's been getting worse.

I had an ectopic scare and she hasn't asked how I am, didn't say anything about it, instead said she couldn't think about it because she was worrying about her other son's girlfriend.

She also shared a photo of her son's girlfriend calling her her future daughter in law.

I get they're close and that's fine, but it's just hard for me because I was in a six year relationship prior to this and I was SO close with his mum, so this hurts.

On Monday night, my boyfriend was supposed to be coming over at 8:30pm. I hadn't heard from him since 4 and the time came and he didn't show up. I didn't hear from him at all, and so I called and messaged, getting so stressed and worried that something bad had happened to him.

I messaged his mum just to ask if he was home and okay, and she ignored it.

The next morning he picked up the phone and said he was having a bad mental health day.

I messaged his mum and apologised for having messaged her, said that I hoped I hadn't spoilt her evening and that I'm glad my boyfriend is okay.

No reply.

Last night, he's supposed to come over after work. He doesn't show.

He calls me and says his mum says he has to stay in tonight (Again, he's 26) and that she doesn't want him at my place.

A little later he snuck out to come to mine, and stayed for the night, as I was very upset.

This morning, he rushed upstairs saying he had to leave - even though I had taken the day off of work to spend it with him as I wanted to cheer him up - and said he had to go home. His mum had texted him: YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW.

I told him he should stand up to her, that he's an adult, that I wanted to spend time with him, and he just said I want to go and see my mum, I'll be back in an hour.

It's now been four hours and I haven't heard from him, he won't answer my calls, messages, nothing.

I am so upset that I just booked a consultation for an abortion because I don't know what else I can do. I honestly can't think of one thing besides the pregnancy that I could have done to upset his mum. I just wish my boyfriend would stand up for me, support me, and realise how alone I feel in all of this.

Any advice?

Honestly. Kick him to the curb and never ever ever have any contact with his mum again. Do not be a peace maker. Not your job. Not your problem.

Get some counseling if at all possible. If your initial diagnosis is correct I personally would not be aborting but only you can make that choice.

I've been a single mum and I've been a mum with an unwilling partner. I'd go for the single mum every time. It's fab. The unwilling partner option is beyond shit.

He's 27 and still a mummy's boy. And generally speaking that'll never change. He's watched his mum treat you like shit and he's ok with that. They have shown you who they are. Believe them.

I suspect his mum is telling him to kick you to the curb as we write. Sorry. It is shit.

OP, you will always be playing second fiddle to his mother. You sound like you have a supportive family. Can you talk things through with them. Be very clear on whether the abortion is the right thing for you. If you want to keep the baby, prepare to be a single mum. That way, if your boyfriend fucks off, you will be prepared. He sounds like a mummies boy and this is not likely to change no matter how old he gets.

I largely agree with @Wallywobbles, though I would add the caveat that you could try having a frank, honest conversation with your partner first. This might be best done through couples counselling so that you can both speak freely and feel properly heard.

You seem like a really lovely person and I'm sorry you're going through this incredibly difficult time. But just look at the facts: he is not acting like a loving, supportive partner and dad-to-be. He is acting like a spoiled, brainwashed mummy's boy.

The way his mother has treated you is disgusting and I commend you for being able to rise above it. But this is not behavior you should have to tolerate. In your position, whether you choose to leave the relationship or not, I wouldn't be spending any time with the mother going forwards until she agrees to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.

Big hugs. Please try and be kind to yourself. Have you got any close family or friends that could help you work things through?

I think you need to think ahead as if you'll be a single mum, and make your decision on that. His mum sounds awful! Do you get on well with any of his other family?

Just reread and have seen he is 27! He is a grown man not a teenager. If he hasn't got the balls to stand up for you now, he never will.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. If you choose to have an abortion just make sure it's for you and not for anyone else.

There's nothing you can do to win his mother over other than just try your best to be patient and reasonable. In terms of your boyfriend, he clearly feels like he's being pulled from pillar to post. If he sees you, his mum is angry; if he sees his mum you're angry. If you're committed to this relationship, which it sounds like you are, I think the best advice is to try as hard as you can not to be like his mum i.e. don't make him feel like he has to "choose" - if he feels he does have to choose, chances are he'll choose his mum, as you guys objectively haven't been together that long.

Instead try to do the opposite; explain that you understand he needs family time, he needs to spend some time at home especially to try to reassure his mum, you're not trying to monopolise his time. You're worried if he doesn't communicate with you because you're concerned about his safety, but if he needs to take family time, you understand and you won't be angry if he lets you know. I think just try to be the voice of reason - that will make his mum's behaviour so much more obviously unreasonable by contrast.

seriously he's 26 ! I have never heard a 26yr old mum saying he has to come home... whya re you at hers for breakfast..

Have a think about whether you can manage being a single parent - as someone who jumps to a txt from his mum is far away from being able to be parent
Do you have anyone you can talk it through with.....your family sound suportive but abortion can be emotive for many - maybewith your reproductive history its harder than average.... I have had both abortions and ivf and ivf is not great but the abortion was absolutely the right decision for me at the time -

maybe talk to a counselling service
www.mariestopes.org.uk/other-services/counselling/

however I think your relationship with this childman is unlikely to recover either way

if you’re prepared to go ahead on your own with the support of your family then do so . Stuff him and particularly stuff his mother .

You have two separate issues, your DP and your pregnancy. Your DP is 26/7 and acting like a 16 year old. I don’t think you’ll get much support from him at all. Your pregnancy is your main concern. What do you want to do, ignoring him and his mother?

It very much sounds like your partner is the problem rather than the baby....I note also how you opened saying that you were going to consider IVF in future. How would you feel if this was the only time you ever become pregnant in future? Only you can decide.

In anywise, you need to leave your partner. Different if he were 17 to some degree, in is relationship with his mother... at 27, he is never going to change.

He's 27... that's a very normal age for kids they need to calm the hell down.

Looks to me like you have a classic case of mummy's boy who's mummy doesn't like you. It's likely that she will never like you unless the other girlfriend fucks up or someone else turns up for her to dislike. I'd imagine it's because you're 'streaking' her little boy. She won't believe the pregnancy was an accident either she'll think you tapped him.

There's nothing you can do except push DO to stand up for you and stock caring what she thinks.

I wouldn't abort though - what if it's your only chance at pregnancy? IVF IS ONLY A 1 in 4 chance.

It doesn’t sound like you want to have a termination. More than you feel sad he is so gripped by his mother’s behaviour that he can’t be an independent man and father. Whatever you decide, make sure it isnt one you will regret. Make it alone and one you feel at peace about.

They sound unhinged.

I’d run a mile from that horrible woman and her man child. He’s 26 not 16. They have a very messed up family dynamic if she is telling him he ‘can’t come over’.

Honestly please stop messaging them- you are the victim here. They have treated you terribly.

Don’t have an abortion if you want to keep the baby. You say your family are supportive? How are things for you financially? Could you raise the baby alone?

Stealing, not streaking

To be honest, I'd go radio silence on them all... see if he ever even messaged you.

Sadly your relationship is dead. You now know how he will react in hard times and it's not like a partner.
You need to decide if you want to be a single mum. It's not the worst thing in the world, though it will be fucking hard.

He needs to take responsibility and figure out if he wants to be a father. I'm sure you can do it without him and you might end up being happier for it and meet someone that values you enough to stand up for you :) you need to put you first and they really are being unreasonably. You're worth more than that and if she acts like that now what's she going to be like when the baby is here? Focus on you and your baby if you do want to keep it and lean on your family and friends who will be so much more supportive and actually value you :) sounds like such a stressful situation and I feel so sorry that you're going through it xxx

Don't tie yourself to this man or this family. Nightmare! You'll be signing up to a lifetime of this treatment otherwise.

Find someone who deserves you and welcomes you into their family.

@lostamdconfused2 I commented on your last thread and I will say now what I said then. Fuck them both off. Me and my dh tried for 2.5 years to get pregnant and caught just before IVF referral. Don't give up on your miracle baby because your bf can't grow up. Honestly his relationship with his mum is weird and she's a control freak. Don't jeopardise your future because of these strange people. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're ok

@lostandconfused2 how did you get on?

I would say your relationship is over. Even if you have an abortion, things won’t go back to how they were. I’d be preparing for life as a single parent and delete his mum’s number as there is no need for you to be messaging her. You’re facilitating her involvement by asking her if he got home and is ok etc.

Christ, what a difficult situation to be in. I'd repeat what others have said that you need to decide whether to have the baby, but think of it that you'll likely be doing it as a single parent as he's very much a mummies boy who won't even say anything to her if she's being rude to you. I imagine she will also try to be controlling over the baby if you decide to go ahead, but whatever happens I hope you have the strength to tell your so called boyfriend to go back to his mummy, he obviously doesn't want to cut the apron strings anytime soon

Op how did you get on?

Oh my god are you dating my ex! Thankfully I wasn't pregnant but all the rest is identical - hence he is an EX! Get rid, you'll never win!