26 weeks pregnant, nephew just died (cot death SIDS)

[Pinkflower23]

Hi all,

I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant. My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy two weeks ago. I got a phone call Tuesday saying he was dead ! Paramedics were there at the house trying to revive him. He was pronounced dead upon arrival at my local children’s hospital. Absolutely devastating. I’ve had miscarriages before and thought that they were heart breaking but holding a dead baby in my arms didn’t even compare and he wasn’t mine. I feel so bad for my sister and also feel awkward around her. I keep thinking to myself if that was me I wouldn’t want to be around a pregnant woman.
What do I do. I get the impression she is putting on a strong face around me as I’m trying to be supportive but she’s constantly looking at my bump.

Help. I want to be there to support her but but feel like my bump isn’t helping. I’ve been trying to wear baggy cloths when I’m around her to kind of make her forget but it still doesn’t change anything.

I was paranoid about still birth and cot death before! Now my anxiety it through the Ruth.

Thanks xxxx

Oh that is so sad, I'm sorry your family is going through such grief.

Regarding you being pregnant, take your cues from your sister. You can hardly avoid her but can read body language. She may be fine about you being pregnant and indeed may be pregnant again before long but you are right to be sensitive to her at the moment.

What a heartbreaking situation.

Your being there for her will help her, and try not to worry too much about your pregnancy upsetting her. It is her own lost baby that she wants. HTH

Thats really sad, i hope she gets better.

dont judge her like that, just cuz u'd be uncomfortable around pregnant women doesnt mean she feels the same, she's probably in her own world and you're judging her for looking towards you.

Be there for her, without these horrible thoughts

What do you mean, gets better?
Your poor sister, OP, that's beyond horrific.

you're judging her for looking towards you.

OP doesn't sound like she's judging her sister's behaviour at all, she sounds very supportive.

You sound like a kind sister, OP. I would imagine that your pregnancy will be very painful for her, there isn't anything that anyone can do to change that. Take her lead, she is going through the most horrendous trauma.

Oh god, what a truly awful thing to happen to your sister & family. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through.

She will go through many stages of grief. She is probably numb & in disbelief at the moment but she’ll probably get angry & struggle as time passes. You’ll probably find how she feels towards you being pregnant varies along with her grief. Just try not to take it to heart if she has periods of avoiding you or even being angry at you for still having a baby that’s alive. You sound kind, be there for her as much as she wants you to be & give her space when she needs that too.

In regards to your pregnancy, please let your midwife know. In my area, there are specialist health visitors who look after those who have had SIDS bereavements either themselves or in their families. They provide special equipment for free like the breathing monitors you can buy & provide extra support from themselves. There may be something similar or if not, it’s still worth the medical support network knowing as there will be something they can do to help you through an understandably difficult time.

My thoughts to you & your family.

I had a situation where a friend of mine had the same due date as me and had a late miscarriage. I was just up front about it. I think I said something along the lines of not knowing how she would feel about seeing me pregnant, but this time was about her and what she needed emotionally. So if she wanted me there for support I would be there in an instant, but if it was hard for her to be around me I would also understand that and take her lead. As it happened, she wanted me around.

I second the advice to speak to your midwife. This is a sad and anxious situation for you too and you deserve help and support. I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful nephew. All the best with your pregnancy.

Bloody hell OP that's awful I think the only things you can do is like PP have said is just take your cues from her, she will be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions which is completely normal.
I'm really sorry your all going through this I hope she gets some support as there are brilliant charities out there that really help parents process what has happened without rushing them to "move forward" because you don't just brush it away or let it go, it will take so much time for everyone to heal I'm not for one second saying you expect that to happen overnight.

I'm wondering if maybe you could speak to someone too and get some support. It's such a horrible thing to go through it sounds silly now but when my friend lost her son i bought her a star and named it after him and it came with co-ordinates of where the star was. I think it's to early for that but in time it's a nice gift.