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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Planned pregnancy but boyfriend wants me to get an abortion

22 replies

Borntomother26 · 09/09/2019 20:19

Hi I'm 27 and a mummy to a beautiful 4 year old ( who would love a baby sibling).
I've just got my BFP today, I knew I was since the moment I became pregnant.
My boyfriend and I mutually agreed to try for a baby, but the instant we finished having sex, he said he thought it was a bad idea to have a baby. Now here I am 4 weeks pregnant and confused on what to do for the best.
I had 2 previous miscarriages with an abusive ex partner and they broke me. With this pregnancy popping up with clear positives I'm feeling like it's meant to be. But as I said my boyfriend doesn't want me to have it, he says maybe in a couple of years but I feel ready now to bring another life into the world. Any advice would be lovely or anyone been through a similar senario - thanks all!

OP posts:

Ihatefootball86 · 09/09/2019 20:26

Oh great, he sounds lovely. You can just get a quick abortion and all will be fine!
Keep the baby and bin him!
Seriously though what an awful situation to put you in. I presume he knows about your previous mmcs? He may come around and just be panicking. He may just be a dick.
I feel from from what you've said that ending this pregnancy would be traumatic for you. So you need to decide what's more important.
He doesn't sound like a prize...how would you come back from this a a couple?

Original poster

Borntomother26 · 09/09/2019 20:31

I don't think men ever know what they want truthfully. I am feeling frustrated by it and feel like my side isn't being heard- don't feel like I'm being loud enough but don't want another half arse dad for my child that's my worry 😒 he already got a 4 5 year old of his own and he's a great dad to her( he still at that princess stage with her ) would never want my baby to be resented. I can see things working out well. We have only been together for a short time on and off 4/5 months )

OP posts:

Original poster

Borntomother26 · 09/09/2019 20:34

He does know about my previous mmcs yes, he also went through one with an ex before his daughter came along. In in 2 minds but I can feel this happening to my body x

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 09/09/2019 20:42

You've been on and off for 4/5 months? And decided to try for a baby?! Realistically your romantic partnership is pretty unlikely to last much longer, one will be resenting the other for having or not having the abortion. You just have to make your decision on the basis of being single. He sounds a totally irresponsible arse though.

Ihatefootball86 · 09/09/2019 20:54

Ahh this gets worse. Ok so you've actively tried for a baby with somebody you've been with 4-5 months on and off??? Why did it go off?
Look, it sounds like you're desperate for a baby and you've jumped in too quickly and it's blown up in your face . I don't think you are making sensible decisions and the fact you're ex was abusive is notable.
You've rushed this. Massively. And with another not so great guy.
But It's done now ...So decide who's more important and possibly look into the freedom project if you haven't already.

DerbyshireGirly · 09/09/2019 20:56

You agreed to try for a baby after 4 or 5 months on and off?! Good god.

Original poster

Borntomother26 · 09/09/2019 21:26

Wow easy with the judgement- which I wasn't asking for! Might have made some bad decisions, be seriously, won't be coming back hear for advice or support.

OP posts:

Sleepycat91 · 09/09/2019 21:27

Im 27 also but pregnant with #2. My 1st is 5, almost 6. He knew id came off contraception and aware of what may happen. I fell pregnant with our first within a week and he was terrified. He also wanted me to have an abortion. I left it a week until i told him to go to his parents, talk to them and not come back if he couldnt give me 100%. He did and he the bond he has with our first is amazing, and he has to carry that guilt of how he reacted for the rest of his life and i know it kills him, he said some really horrible things but i know it was down to him purely shitting his pants to put it bluntly.

Ihatefootball86 · 09/09/2019 21:57

@Borntomother26 I did re-read my post and think ooh maybe I was a bit harsh. I'm sorry if I've upset you.
Absolutely stay on here for some more supportive comments. Hopefully somebody can give you some good advice and support and be more eloquent than myself.
But ultimately it's still going to be on you to decide if you want to be a mother again or if you want to stay with this man. There are is no simple solution unfortunately without someone getting hurt. I do wish you all the best and hope it works out for you all

Jesskir89 · 09/09/2019 22:12

@Borntomother26 yes it may be rushed but you both made a decision to have unprotected sex so keep the baby and get rid of the man

BeanBag7 · 10/09/2019 06:31

He agreed to TTC, this wasn't an accident or a trick. If he didnt want a baby he should have thought about that more in advance. And now he's changed his mind, well that's tough because he agreed to create this life.

It doesnt sound like your relationship is that strong. If you keep the baby he will resent you; if you have. Termination you will resent him. Either way it looks like your relationship is over.

Keep the baby. Ditch the guy. Make sure you get the maintenance your baby deserves from him.

LynetteScavo · 10/09/2019 06:54

I'm not sure what advice you want.

You say you can we things working out well. You feel you can raise another baby. If you're looking for someone to tell you how to persuade the baby's father he wants to be dad, no one can do that.

How many conversations did you have with him about planning a baby? I'm guessing one, just before you had sex.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/09/2019 06:59

You took the risk of being a single mum to another baby when you decided to TTC with someone who is barely a boyfriend, more of a 'someone you're dating'. So this shouldn't be a big surprise to you. If you're up for single parenting then keep the baby. If not, don't. What a ridiculous situation to get yourself in.

BillywilliamV · 10/09/2019 07:01

There should be a law, as soon as you start a relationship you get given an implant that lasts 3 years. The number of women on here that get knocked up by knobheads that they barely know. I wouldn’t risk a weeks holiday with someone I’d only known for 3- 5 months, never mind start a family.
Doesn’t help OP though, ditch him for heavens sake and then decide about the pregnancy

aweedropofsancerre · 10/09/2019 07:09

You already have a 4 yr old so I would be prioritising there needs. You have got pregnant after a very short relationship and your boyfriend doesn’t want it, doesn’t bode well for the future. No one should ever tell someone to have an abortion however at 4 weeks it’s a couple of tablets and whilst I appreciate emotionally it’s traumatic and would never want to dismiss that but given your circumstances it may be more traumatic to you, your other DC to end up with a new baby with a man who isn’t interested. Your still young and at your age I had a child too and met a lovely man when I was 29 and we have been together for many years now and have three children together and he took on my eldest without issue.

NotStayingIn · 10/09/2019 07:45

Not much point asking advice after you have deliberately done a blatantly stupid thing. If you’d would have asked beforehand ‘I’m 27, should I try and get pregnant with my on-off boyfriend after 3-5 months of going out’ no one would have said yes.

In this scenario it’s much harder to advice - we can’t make him want it which is what you ultimately want to happen. I think you can assume this relationship will not last. So you need to be prepared to raise the child alone. If that works for you then have it.

I’d also suggest you really stop being such an idiot going forward for the sake of your child (children). Yes yes I know, boo hoo people are being harsh to you.

Frizzy1986 · 10/09/2019 08:15

@Borntomother26 it sounds like a really tough situation but it's definitely a decision that you have to make on your own. In such a new relationship, there's no knowing if it will last long term regardless of having a child so I think the best option is to base it solely on what you want, don't do something specifically in the hope that it maintains the relationship.
Men can change their minds. They can think they want something and then when reality hits they can run for the hills, women are the exact same.
Unfortunately when you have a baby, it's much easier for the man to make a comment about abortion or run from it as they tend to not have to deal with all the emotional issues that come with making such a choice.

I'd recommend sitting down by yourself and really thinking about what you want. Plenty of mums do it and cope just fine and plenty will choose to abort and make it out the other side. There is no right and wrong choice, just what is right and wrong for you, just don't get pressured into making a decision you don't feel comfortable with by anyone.

SmellMySmellbow · 10/09/2019 08:21

I think it's fair enough to try for a baby with someone you've been with for a few months but unfair/seriously misguided to actually expect the father to stick around. You can't justify an abortion of a baby you want in case the father won't be committed when it was so incredibly likely he would never be committed. You barely know each other! So proceed with the firm acceptance it will be as a single parent and if you're not then it's a bonus.

AuntieStella · 10/09/2019 08:24

"he says maybe in a couple of years"

Remember that this quite often means 'never' - it can be true, but it is also the line of choice for someone who is faking a future.

The laws surrounding TOP in Britaine framed entirety in terms of the mother's physical and mental health.

So you need to look at how you will manage as a single mother to two DC (as you cannot count on someone you barely know, he might be great he might be flakey, items now too late so plan for the worse and hope for better

What maternity leave will you get, and what childcare will you use for the two when you return to work, probably quite early on, as single parents can rarely afford the unpaid part of maternity leave. Do you have enough space where you live for two, or will you need to move, if so, you need to get on with that now

RancidOldHag · 10/09/2019 08:29

When you say you planned to have a baby, what arrangements did you discuss for where you would live, who would do what childcare etc?

Can you still follow those arrangements as alone parent?

If OTOH it was a heat-of-the-moment, instantly regretted, just do it moment, then you really need to start planning to go it alone

(And I really hope you are not serious about a 4 yo's opinion carrying any weight at all!)

Wonderland18 · 10/09/2019 08:35

Sounds like he just wanted the sex without the condom and didn’t think a baby would result. Tell him your keeping the baby with or without him.

DerbyshireGirly · 10/09/2019 09:31

@BillywilliamV that would help prevent so many children being born into messed up families and having huge issues as adults, it's far too sensible!

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