What to do when your partner and mum are clashing?

[anonnancy]

Basically my other half has said openly he thinks my mum is buying too much stuff for the baby and it is leaving us hardly anything to buy ourselves.

My mum has bought pram, perfect prep and quite a few clothing items for baby.

I don't really see the problem as my mum is so happy and I know she wouldn't be buying the stuff if she didn't have the money. All her other grandchildren have been treated the same. This is our first baby.

They end up bickering with each other and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to fall out with my mum and I know if I say anything even tactfully it will hurt her feelings and I really don't want to do that. But I don't want to end up arguing and falling out with OH either. Just feel a bit stuck in the middle really.

My mum has bought a lot of stuff, but I am pretty laid back and just have the "it's her money" sort of attitude.

Not really sure why I'm posting this... just need to vent really!!! Has anyone else been through similar? Or is my situation with OH having a massive problem just weird ???

Your OH has feelings as well as your DM's. You're hurting his feelings. Tell your DM she's doing too much & taking away from OH's excitement & joy at preparing for his child.

@anonnancy ask DH what he wants to buy and tell your DM "DM, DH & I are going to go shopping soon and buy X Y & Z, just wanted to let you know incase you was to pick those items up as I don't want to end up with double"

My DM bought a lot for our first baby and it upset DH so this time he has bought everything, in reality I should have said something at the time but he didn't mention it till after she was born.

He wants to buy his baby's stuff, look at that as a positive and stop worrying about upsetting your DM.

Sorry OH not DH

I think both of your viewpoints are valid. Your partner probably just wants the fun of selecting together (ie you and him) things for your baby like clothes, pushchair. I know i'd be a bit put out if DH didn't see buying these items as something for me and him to do together for our baby.

I think you need to speak to your mum (no matter how awkward it is), she should be respecting your partner's feelings.

Your partner has feelings too OP, and he deserves to be happy as well. It's his first child and it's lovely that he wants to be involved in getting items for the baby - a lot of fathers are quite indifferent to the whole thing. Just tell your DM that you're grateful for all the things she has bought, but your OH also wants to feel the joy of buying things. He is the other parent, not your DM, so he needs you to stand up for him on this matter. If things were reversed, and he wasn't telling his DM to back off, we'd all be saying "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH/DP problem". Don't be that problem.

And congratulations on your first baby btw

Don't you want to buy sone of these things with your OH?

Is he uncomfortable with her spending a lot on your child or on taking over buying things that he hoped too?

Are there other things they get annoyed about that you brush off as you are more laid back?

@FireBloodAndIce it's not that I don't want to buy things with OH. It's quite the opposite actually but he is reluctant and feels that baby only needs the bare minimum. It's not that I want my baby to have umpteen outfits or anything but I think it's relatively normal for me to be excited and enjoy buying little bits and bobs for LO... He doesn't want to spend money on clothes or little things that as a mother I want to buy (I know it sounds ssooo silly!)

He thinks she is spending too much money on the baby rather than her buying stuff he wants to buy (I've never seen him looking at baby clothes whenever we go shopping or anything) he just keeps saying "he wants to get the house sorted" which I just think ???? Buying a few clothes for baby isn't breaking the bank to that point!

FWIW his mum is the total opposite to mine. She isn't very maternal or nurturing like my mum is. His whole family are not very affectionate and his family don't really seem that excited about the baby unlike my side of the family....

So I'm wondering if it's just because he isn't used to having a maternal figure in his life! He has always pushed his mum away and has wanted complete independence from his parents from a young age.... I just don't know lol.

@anonnancy that post just totally contradicted your first post... which is it, DM is buying to much leaving nothing for him to buy .... OR .... DM isnt buying the right things so that he doesn't have to buy them

It is very normal and it's odd he's being this way if he doesnt want to buy anything himself. What is he worried about in your house?

It could be they aren't that way. It's a shame. All you can do is keep talking and asking. He may find it a bit intense with your mum, so maybe best that she backs off a bit for breathing room while you communicate.

Does he feel like you DM is filling your house with crap? Because I feel like that about my MIL, and we have a it-lives-at-her-house policy for a LOT of stuff. If she's upped and bought a random pushchair I'd have done my but! We just had a sling for the first 15 months and I (we) didn't want a blinking pushchair cluttering up the place!

@DustyDoorframes

It's a really weird one - she is only buying little outfits she is finding in the sales and nappies when they are on offer, but I see her a few times a week and I think it looks more than it is because she brings stuff round she's found whilst out. She has bought us the travel system which we picked out together (me and him).

He says she is just spending too much money, then he says there'll be nothing left for him to buy, then he says he doesn't want to buy too many clothes for the baby. I can't keep up and don't really know where his head is at with it all. It's like he changes his opinion on it every day haha.

I'm just sort of going with the flow, his mum is the polar opposite to mine (which is totally fine, I don't expect anything from anyone), but think this is where it's stemming from.

Luckily, some close friends have recently announced a pregnancy and he is seeing that what is happening in my situation (me and my mum getting excited and buying bits and bobs) isn't "weird".

Just want to say - it's not a massive issue between me and OH - I just came here to vent and see if anyone else had gone through anything similar! :) x

He says she is just spending too much money, then he says there'll be nothing left for him to buy, then he says he doesn't want to buy too many clothes for the baby

Yeah, he’s being a bit contradictory, my guess is he can’t quite put his finger on what’s wrong but he knows he’s uncomfortable, and that’s what matters. It seems at the moment you’d rather your OH was upset than your DM. Probably not a good pattern to get into, so I’d nip it in the bud with DM even if it isn’t quite rational.

@EgremontRusset yes I agree. I need to put my big girl pants on and ask my mum to go easy on the spending... of thats what is bothering him.

I think I'm just confused because he maybe doesn't quite know himself lol!

Maybe he feels surplus to requirementsbif your dm is seen to be 'providing' for 'his' dc...

It sounds to me like your OH wants to be involved, wants to be a father to his child (sounds like his first child too so a big and possibly scary adjustment for him).

It also sounds like he is potentially concerned about how you will cope financially as a family.

Then your mum comes in and very kindly buys loads of stuff for you. For you this is just fine and dandy, but your OH is possibly feeling like she's making him redundant. And if she's buying things he would like to buy, but at a level he can't afford, he's probably feeling inadequate, excluded and maybe humiliated.

What is meant by getting the house sorted? What does it need doing?

I think your h's reaction is understandable. If I was having a baby I wouldn't want someone else paying for everything as I'm an independent adult. I'd want to pick stuff and if your mum's taste is different to his then I can see why he might be annoyed that his child will have clothes picked by someone else.
How far along are you? Some people believe it's tempting fate if you start too early.

Let him figure out his feelings - prepping for the baby is one of the few things the guys can do while the woman, you know, grows another human being. It can help them adjust.

Did she check whether it okay to get stuff? If so, just with you or both of you? Did you ask him before you gave her the okay (assuming you did)? If not, her buying things is really not appropriate (small gifts are one thing, a large collection of baby stuff a different one). He might feel as if she trying to take over and it is just you and her doing "that pregnancy thing".

Also , this shouldn't even be a question, your OH comes first. Always. How would you feel if he put his mum's feelings ahead of your feelings?