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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I’m at a loss and I don’t really know what to do.... wanting a child with someone who has one

15 replies

EmJW271993 · 01/09/2019 08:54

Hiya,

I’m writing on here as a last resort, I’ve searched the web and I can’t really find anything to relate to. I’m sorry if this is long winded.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we first met each other 15 years ago. I know it’s a fairly new relationship but I’m desperate for a baby, I have been since I was younger. I lost both of my parents in my teens so I don’t know if it’s the need to have a family of my own, I just don’t know.

My boyfriend has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, my relationship with her is very strong. I’m on good terms with her mum, also which is so important for the little one involved but I can’t help but struggle with the fact I don’t have my own. He makes comments like ‘you’ll get it when you have your own’ which hurts as he knows how badly I want one. We’ve spoken about it and he doesn’t want one for 5 years. We both have good jobs and very steady incomes.

He agreed to have a baby in his past relationship within the first 2 years, I can’t help but think what’s wrong with me? I’m taking it personally, which I shouldn’t be.

Can anyone give me any tips on what I should do? Should I speak to him further?

OP posts:

SaffronFields · 01/09/2019 08:56

Hi OP.

How old are you?

Is there a particular reason he is saying 5 years? Like for financial reasons or something else?

Graphista · 01/09/2019 09:09

5 years is a long time to wait but the age of you and your partner is important information.

To be perfectly honest I think he's stringing you along and you're better off cutting your losses and finding someone more aligned with your own plans.

Original poster

EmJW271993 · 01/09/2019 09:12

Thank you for replying so quickly.

I am 26 and he is 30.

He is wanting to buy a house, which he has a deposit for. But he’s now talking about investing it elsewhere. He also does BJJ, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu which he trains for 6 out of 7 nights of the week. Which I am very understanding of.

We have his daughter every weekend, they both moved into my house a year ago.

OP posts:

palahvah · 01/09/2019 09:16

Has he been paying you rent and share of bills while they've been living with you?

How would you feel if, in 5 years, he still doesn't want a child?

Original poster

EmJW271993 · 01/09/2019 09:17

Yes, he pays half of everything. We also go on holiday a lot. We are currently away with his daughter, which he has paid for.

I would be heartbroken to be honest with you.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmJW271993 · 01/09/2019 09:19

If he still isn’t ready in 5 years then I don’t see when he’ll ever be.

OP posts:

BringTheBounceBack · 01/09/2019 09:20

It’ll probably be his hobbies that are holding it off tbh.

achangeisgood · 01/09/2019 09:25

Is it he wants to get to know you better and doesn't want to end up spilting ? A baby and even pregnancy puts pressure on things. To be honest 5 years is really specific and actually makes a very large age gap with his DD. It sounds like an excuse. I mean once his DD is 10
I bet he'll say I'm not going back to the baby years or the gap is too big.

I had one of these 7 years together and every excuse from a unattainable new house needed, savings, getting married. I left him eventually and moved out due to wasting my time, despite us owning a property together. We did get back together after a few months and we tried for a baby straight away and had a baby when I was 35. I wouldn't say it's perfect, as I still feel that resentment. But we are having another baby now I'm 40 so you may have more time than you might think.

You don't say if you live together but it's a tough situation because you leave him saying you want a baby and it's not like you get one. You have to start again with someone , get to know them and then both want the same things again. That's what kept me waiting instead of starting a new.

flumpybear · 01/09/2019 09:35

He's probably enjoying life, hobbies, holidays now, that all changes somewhat when you ha e a baby.
Two years isn't exactly long to be with a man, me perhaps realises this from experience with his child's mum

In all honesty I'd buy that house, settle down and watch things slip into place, it probably won't take 5 years

Kinsters · 01/09/2019 09:42

If I was in your position I'd give it a couple of years and then re-assess. 26 is still very young and you've got time.

Does he maybe feel like he rushed into it too early with his ex?

user1493413286 · 01/09/2019 09:52

My DH felt that with his DD he had her too early in the relationship, didn’t really know her mum well enough and the pressure of a baby was too much, they also didn’t get to spend much time doing holidays etc before suddenly becoming parents.
Therefore with me he wanted to really establish our relationship, enjoy holidays etc and enjoy ourselves in a way that changes when you have DC. Could you compromise a bit on the 5 years? We met in the middle a bit as I wanted to start trying before I was 30 so brought it forward to when we’d been together 5 years.

Sweetpeach3 · 01/09/2019 10:02

I met my DH when I was 17. He was 31 at the time ! Big age gap I know lol but he already had 4 children and I didn't think he would want any more as he never mentioned it and this was my big doubt. But I said to him I really want children and to get married eventually. I had his other kids living with me pretty much straight away so I was a full time step mum to his children as well as a full time job and college at 18! , was hard but wouldn't change it ! Eventually we both agreed about kids but We didn't have them straight away we waited 4 years then we had our first. But We got our mortgage when I was 6 months pregnant and moved when I was 8 months pregnant. Wouldn't advise that but can still get a mortgage when havin a baby!! We're now waitin on number 3 and couldn't be happier with our big brood even though they kill us off. You need to sit him down and say how much it means to you to have another and how you understand he's busy and has his hobby's but you've obviously thought that through and your okay with that? X

underthebridgedowntown · 01/09/2019 10:12

I'd be a bit wary of this @EmJW271993 - does he actually want another child at all?

He trains at his hobbies 6 nights out of 7, so probably very much likes life the way it is now, and knows that it'll have to change with another child. Why did his relationships with his daughter's mother break down?

Also worrying is that he's considering investing the house deposit elsewhere. Is it now because he's onto a good living situation with you?

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about your future and don't be fobbed off with '5 years time'. He doesn't need to pin down a specific timeframe, but he doesn't need to be honest about whether he actually wants more children, or if he's just hoping you'll stop asking.

DerbyshireGirly · 01/09/2019 11:21

Having a baby with somebody so soon into the relationship clearly didn't work last time - isn't it a good thing he's learnt from this? However much society normalises divorce, it is still ideal for children to grow up in a secure home with two parents who love each other. Two years is no time at all to tie yourself to somebody irreversibly.

Bol87 · 01/09/2019 11:30

I recon he’s just being cautious. He had a child within two years with his ex and it didn’t work out. Maybe he realises it was too soon for him and he wants it to be different with you. I was with my partner 4 years before having our daughter and I wouldn’t give up those 4 years for anything. We had a wonderful, happy time enjoying each other and our freedom. We saved up & bought a house. We thoroughly enjoyed lazy holidays & time with our friends. Eventually, we felt the time was right.

It sounds like you have a nice balance at the moment. You get to do the little family thing and also enjoy time with each other child free. You are still young. Enjoy life. Maybe keep talking and compromise a bit, see if he’ll reconsider in another year or so?

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