I’m 31 and still not ready for kids

[Ellie8825]

I’ve always wanted children and still do. I see having a family as part of my future and my partner would love a big family. I’m 31 and he’s 32, we’ve been together for 6 years and both have good stable jobs. Since I was about 28 I’ve said to myself “I’ll see how I feel about it next year” thinking that by now I’d be ready to start a family... but if anything I’ve become LESS broody.

My main fear is losing my identity and independence. I love doing what I want and I can be quite selfish. I also have a very active social life and go out clubbing with friends, to festivals, holidays etc often. Basically I’m still living like I was in my early 20s mode but with a decent disposable income.... and I don’t want to give it up! I’m also very much into fitness and work hard to stay slim - my body changing scares the heck out of me.

I’m terrified that I’ll never feel “ready” for this. I’m 32 in February so realistically need to start thinking about this seriously. Is this normal? Does this mean I shouldn’t have kids? Has anyone actually ever regretted having kids if they didn’t feel ready?

Any advice is welcome.

You need to have an honest conversation with your partner. Don’t keep saying “I’ll see how I feel next year” if, in all honestly, you don’t want them. Especially when you know he does.

I wasn't ready, I'm not sure anybody really is. You'd never have any if you waited for all the usual reasons people give.

Saving up - babies cost hardly anything.
Not career ready - will you be after your next promotion etc.

Nobody can advise you, but I had my last at 37 and had completely gone through the menopause at 40.

All the things you mention in your second para OP are the things that I miss from my life pre-children. I daresay someone more organised, with more disposable income, could have done more of those activities with young DC but it's definitely not the same. But there's no regrets, it's not a comparison, it's just choosing a different path in life - I don't see it as losing an identity, just discovering a new one.
But if you definitely want a family, my advice would be to get on with it - my DC are 8 & 10 now and we're getting back into the swing of active holidays, sports, going places as a family, and it's easier every year.

I wouldn’t worry about it. People are settling down and having babies later when they feel ready. I think you are best waiting until you are ready - and that could be sooner than you think. I too waited longer (than expected by most) after I was married to start a family because like you, I felt younger than my age and didn’t want my life to change, clubbing, out when i wanted, last minute plans, holidays and weekends away. But I’m glad I waited until I was ready so I never felt I was missing out. And I will still go clubbing and out with friends - will just now take more planning!! You still have time to feel ‘ready’!

Honestly, if you are sure that you want children then you need to crack on. You may not conceive straightaway. If you aren’t sure then you really need to tell your partner this now.

You could go down the fertility clinic route and freeze some embryos. Then you could delay having children till you’re ready.

I wasn’t ready at 34 but went ahead.
Being pregnant never fully sunk in, I was terrified of labour, the first few weeks with a newborn were absolute shock.
My body is now a complete mess, I’m lucky if I have time to wash my hair once a week.

But I’m so happy I have my boy and keep wondering if I’ll have time for one more baby.

Career wise I pushed myself really hard the year before, so have a bit of comfort while on mat leave.
Also built a home gym hoping I’ll have time to use it soon and get back into shape.
Re social life I’m a complete introvert so being a hermit with the baby suits me just fine.

Does anyone feel ready?
Op you f I’m honest I’d say yes you will lose your identity somewhat, but you’ll get it back.
I took my babies to festivals, but I moved from Shambala to buddhafield and Starry Skies. I was 38 when I had my first .

I have struggled with h selfishness and my time not being my own. BUT
It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and the. Love yo feel and receive is mind blowing.
For me though it all hinges on my dh being a really natural fantastic hands on dad.

I was 31 when I had DS. I wasn't ready either but it's something my DH dearly wanted and I was indifferent to. My mindset is more along the lines of you regret more what you didn't do than what you did.

Pregnancy was fine, few annoying bits but no biggy. Labour was bloody awful, more painful than you can ever anticipate. The first few weeks I had an average of 2hrs sleep a day and had waking nightmares I was suffocating him. I've had five or six nights out and DS is now 16 months. I've never and would not have been able to anticipate what sleep deprivation can do to a person, even with a supportive DH. You can't have the spontaneous nights out anymore and the cost of a babysitter (presuming family can't/won't look after baby) stops you from going out. Your life will completely change.

That said! He's a wonderful human being, it's relentless but I love him to bits. His smile when he wakes and up sees you is incredible. Watching him learn and grow is a heart warming process. He's funny and cute which often prohibits murder

I completely get where you're at and it's great you're already considering the implications. I still go out in the day and DS fits in with what I like doing (getting bits to enable this help massively so a baby rucksack for hiking/getting outdoors) but there is no hiding the fact that you'll be in most evenings being in because they are asleep. Friends tell me this changes but each stage has its benefits and disbenefits.

Look at what you and DH do now and see how you can adapt it. Sometimes you can't, but that's inherent with having children. I would want to go out clubbing because he will be up at 5.30/6am no matter what and a night out is not worth the pain of experiencing that with a hangover! But a lot of the time you can, babies can sleep in a rucksack/pram/shoulder as needed. You either let baby dictate to you or baby dictates your life...

I'm 31 and in all honesty I'd be exactly the same as you if it weren't for the fact that due to my medical history I knew I couldn't afford to wait too long! In a way that made it really straightforward and maybe that's a good thing.

I would just think: you and/or your partner might not find it straightforward to conceive. You might need a long time or IVF or both. If you start too late it might not be possible. How would that make you feel?

I definitely wasn't ready at 31. Had my first 5 months ago, I'm 34. Felt very ready. Things can change.

Oops! Last bit should be you either fit baby into your life or let baby lead it...

I could have written your post! (Not the fitness part But I do watch my weight). My sister has just had her first scan with hers at 36, so I figure I have some time. Now my friends are starting to do it, I'm hoping something will "click" for me.

I could've written some of your thread myself, OP.

I'm also 32. Love my independence. Not a clubbing sort of person but I was heavily involved in a sport which brought me a varied social life. I'm also selfish, I love holidays, spending money on myself, being able to do whatever the hell I like, etc.

However I'm now 8 months pregnant with my first child. It was unplanned.
If it hadn't have happened unexpectedly, I'm not sure whether it would've happened at all, and I probably would've been a fence sitter forever, always "not sure if I'm ready".

I've spent a fair bit of this pregnancy mourning my old life. But I'm looking forward to the new adventures parenthood is going to bring. I certainly agree with the poster who said it isn't losing your identity, just discovering a new one. I'm adding some different skills to my set :)

Your feelings are normal and valid. It's taken some time for me to stop panicking and stop thinking that I'm going to lose my identity.

I was sure I was ready at 19. After years trying, I was pregnant at 21, gave birth at 22. I've just turned 30 and DD is 7. It's taken this long to realise I'm not as maternally inclined as I thought. I originally wanted 8 kids. I know now that one was enough for me. I've raised her as a single parent since she was 1. I never lost my identity but did miss my freedom. Now she's older I've regained that to an extent and I know I don't want to go through it all again, as much as I've loved it. You've had time for you, but when a potential baby gets older you can get some of it back. Swings and roundabouts. I regret nothing :)

I dont think many people are 'ready'. My Oh and I regularly say that we would do it all again but if we had sat down and costed it out and really understood the extent of sleep deprivation, change in lifestyle etc. we would never have done it. I think for some the decision gets harder as you get older and you become more aware of what you have and what you will lose.

I do think its wise to make a firm decision between you though. I've had fertility issues and, having thought I was laid back and deciding 'what will be will be' I became totally consumed with fertility and it really affected my mental health. This is an experience shared by friends with similar issues. Having regrets about not trying sooner was tough.