Hi people sorry this is gonna be a long one, I just have no one else who won’t judge me.
My husband works incredibly long hours, he’s literally never here. We’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant (contraception was used). We already have a 6 and a 5 year old and while my husband and everyone else is really excited as full of joy, I feel nothing, I feel suffocated. I love my husband he’s my best friend but I’ve raised our children alone while he chased his career and I know I won’t cope with three I struggle with the two I have as certain family members like to remind me, everyone keeps talking about the baby and I feel like someone’s pushing a pillow over my head I can’t breathe.
I’ve struggled with PND before and I’m worried if I feel this way now that I won’t bond with the baby when it’s born. I’ve had two very difficult pregnancies with my kids and we’ve been told there’s blood around this baby and I could miscarry but still I feel nothing, I feel numb. I have my sister living with us so no room for a baby, I was finally starting to get my career on track, selfish I know but I’ve had nothing for 7 years! I’ve been a fully committed mother, I love my children I’d die for them but I feel that motherhood is a very lonely place, mentally I’m not sure I could go back to that. I’ve tried talking to my husband and he just doesn’t get it, my dad says I won’t live with myself if I have a termination, I feel like I’d be having this baby to keep everyone else happy, if I feel this now what if I can’t bond with it? Or if it can sense it and knows how I feel? Have any other moms felt this way?? I’m suffocating