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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Help - really torn and time is running out

14 replies

Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 11:08

I am 8 weeks pregnant.

I have broken up with the father - I take full responsibility for the situation I find myself in. He was never a long term prospect, the pregnancy was a genuine accident. I do not want to be tied to him forever as he has displayed some very unstable behaviour (since finding out I was pregnant and the relationship ended). However, he has said it is my call and he will let me raise the baby without ANY interference - so no contact (and no financial support either, but he's a bum, so none was always likely).

I had an abortion at 27 and HATED myself for it. I can't believe I am contemplating it again. Is this hormonal? Or do I really just not want this baby?

My family will be SO disappointed that I'd be a single mother. I have an excellent career but will jeopardize it because I'm required to travel internationally every 6 months and don't know that I can just hire a nanny?

I am terrified of being a single mother. All the 'what ifs'. What if I lose my job and am the only breadwinner? What if I'm sick? I have no family nearby - they're 2 hours away in a plane. And selfishly, what if I keep the baby and don't bond with it? I feel like the abortion I had at 27, I loved the father. The man who knocked me up... is a whole other story (my fault though).

I really feel like any decision, is the wrong decision. I'm 35 years old and I feel like I should be able to decide firmly. But I'm struggling so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 11:09

I should add, part of me does want it. I am JUST SO FEARFUL

OP posts:
100timewforgotten · 25/08/2019 11:21

Write all the pros and cons down in a list. Seeing things may help you decide more than having everything on your mind.

Squiff70 · 25/08/2019 11:31

You have options. In your situation I would get urgent counselling to help me decide. Yes, your biological clock is ticking but it doesn't mean this is your last chance to have a child. I won't tell you what to do - nobody should - but you need to put yor cards on the table with somebody who can help you work out what to do. Your termination at 27 was a different pregnancy to a different man - one you very much cared about. Sounds like this situation is totally different and needs to be judged accordingly.

On the other hand, you have an excellent career and can (I don't doubt) provide for a child financially, but is that what you want? Only you can answer this, but I think you've already answered your own question.

if you have an abortion, do you think you will you feel relieved or distraught? Time to put your big girl pants on and be brave, one way or another.

Good luck whatever you decide to do Flowers

Original poster
Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 11:49

My reason for not getting an abortion is based on the fear that it might emotionally impact me as much as last time. I was suicidal and regretted it for many years. I wanted that baby and loved the guy.

Can two abortions, in different circumstances, affect the same person very differently? I'm really interested in hearing about that from anyone!?
I'm trying to get some counseling ASAP.

OP posts:
Kinsters · 25/08/2019 11:57

Yes, I think it would definitely help to talk through your feelings with a professional. People can share their stories with you but at the end of the day your experience might be very different to theirs.

What's your reluctance with a nanny? Is it the cost? Or not wanting your child to not have a parents full attention? I worried that getting a nanny would affect my child negatively but my partner reminded me that loads of successful people in the past had nannies and that he had one too and turned out fine and loves his parents a lot.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 12:08

The nanny is only, maybe an option when I travel overseas for work. Day to day I can’t afford a nanny - it would all be on me and centre based childcare. My salary is good but not that good unfortunately

OP posts:
Kinsters · 25/08/2019 12:11

Oh I see, sorry I misunderstood. Hmm yes I can see how that would be very difficult as a single parent.

It's such a hard decisions, I really feel for you.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 12:13

I feel like I can approach it rationally and have the abortion but my emotions could come back to really haunt me. But last time... I used to cry about wanting the baby and felt the need to “protect” it. This time, I think I do want it because I want to have children but the circumstances are just so different. I am so against being tied to this man for life and although he’s promised to leave me alone and raise it on my own. as yet - he hasn’t. I REALLY got it so wrong.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/08/2019 12:18

id terminate in those circumstances for sure, as it will negatively affect your career so much and your unstable ex might say he wouldnt interfere, but if he changed his mind, he could realistically stop you moving away from the area etc and make you beholden to him.
You have a crossroads in your future marked out in front of you now, and while that is obviously stressful, I think you need to think with your head. This doesnt sound like just an inconvenient pregnancy, it sounds potentially catastrophic.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2019 12:19

Given the position you're in right now, I would terminate. I wouldn't want to have a child with a man like that, for the child's sake as much as mine. You will be tied to him forever. All of your other reasons to terminate are compelling as well.

Branleuse · 25/08/2019 12:19

I also think being upset about an abortion isnt the end of the world either. Its usually temporary

Original poster
Ruby127 · 25/08/2019 12:24

Thank you. I am an emotional person, but I think I have to be rational about this. I have never been able to “sit” with the idea of having this baby because - as the poster above so aptly said - it feels potentially catastrophic. I do hope I’ll be able to be kind and forgive myself. And, of course that my fertility holds out until I meet the right person. I just don’t think I can have this one.
Thank you to everyone who posted such balanced and fair comments.

OP posts:
Gillseybear · 25/08/2019 15:11

Hello OP, you are a couple fo weeks further along than me them. Can I just add. That he will legally be required to help out with the baby by paying money. There is an organisation called CSA(at least it used to be) that deal with things like this. Even though he is not involved he will have to pay. I am in a similar situation to you and so i sort of get where you are coming from. Here if you need to talk

Heartburn888 · 25/08/2019 20:49

When I found out I was pregnant I went through the motions of deciding to keep or terminate, for similar reasons to yours and my friend said to me what would be the difference between being a single mum and raising the baby alone and if I stayed with the father and then he just upped and left 6 months after the birth and decided to go no contact? The outcome of this would be the same. But what does matter is how you love and care and raise the baby - who cares how it came to be? As long as you are doing right by your child.

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