Termination dilemma

[TellMeMore2020]

Me and DP are 8 weeks pregnant. He's excited about it and I'm not.

I've been struggling with my mental health for a while and by no means we are well off money-wise.

He's been talking about what kind of father he wants to be and his hopes for the child but I can't help but disagree with his old fashioned thoughts on bringing up the child.

I've been so poorly with my mental health in these first few weeks that I'm really considering a termination - without telling him. I know how it sounds but I can't bring myself to go through with the pregnancy.

What if I'm not capable of looking after a baby with my mental health, what if we disagree so much on the babies future/upbringing we will all be miserable and I can't have that.

I just don't know what to do I'm so lost.

I think firstly you really need to talk to a health professional about your mental health and your fears before going through with anything, a termination may seem like the easiest option right now but be mindful of doing this without some professional help to help protect your mental health if it’s already fragile. Also you need to consider the impact your decision will have with your partner. Going behind his back is a massive thing and could take a lot to come back from? I’m so sorry there really is no easy answer. Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling? This is both your potential child and in a committed relationship together you should really be discussing this with him x

YOU are pregnant, not your boyfriend. This is about you and your body. This not a 'potential child' this is a pregnancy you do not want with someone with whom you are not compatible with when it comes to child-rearing. 'Old-fashioned', let me guess, he's a sexist twonk who believes work related to child-rearing and life work is women's work you will be expected to do at expense of your mental health, your earning potential, your pension contributions, your personal freedom. Am I right? N.F.W. PLENTY of people use pregnancy to step up the control they want to exert on their partner.

You go right ahead and terminate this pregnancy if you want. You do not need to discuss it with him (he'll talk you out of it) or tell him.

You can book it and tell him you had a miscarriage.

But as you disagree so fundamentally about how to bring up a child, please take this time to get away from this man. He's not for you.

If you want to terminate then terminate. I would speak to him as he is the father and I feel he had a right to know. I would not lie to him.
You also need to address your MH issues.

There is a lot of support regarding mental health and pregnancy so that would be my first step then I would also discuss with your partner I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but I do know that there has to be a lot of discussion and compromise when it comes to pregnancy and bringing up a child. If you do this without him knowing it's not going to end well so you also have to think about how you feel about your partner and whether you're ready to possibly lose him too Im sorry you feel this way and I hope you find the right solution for you

You are under no obligation to tell your partner at all, none whatsoever. You don't have to consider how you'd feel or feel guilty or morally inferior about it. You do not want to continue this pregnancy. That is the ONLY reason you need. Terminating and not telling him does not make you a bad person at all. And from the sounds of it, your mental health will be better without the pregnancy or him, being tied for life to a person who fundamentally disagrees with you on how to bring up a child and is 'old fashioned' would be detrimental to your mental health.

I am sorry that your in this position I agree with PP about speaking to someone about your mental health first before making any decisions, but I think you need to be honest with your partner, as some one else has already mentioned its huge thing to get through if somehow he ever found out

And as for ' pretending you had a MC ' please do not take this disgusting advice. As someone who has experienced a MC it certainly isnt something to lie about it - its heartbreaking

Pretending to have a mc is awful advice shame on you

And if you terminate without telling partner don't expect him to be your partner for long. Terminating doesn't make you a bad person but terminating without telling him does.

It's normal to have some early jitters during pregnancy and we don't always agree with each other's "style"'of parenting and often once baby arrives our preconception of child raising goes out the window anyway. Was this a planned pregnancy?

Get some help for your mental health, and take some time for you to think about what YOU want. By all means have a termination that's your decision but the advice to pretend to have a miscarriage is quite frankly disgusting. Having been through the physical, emotional and mental pain of a miscarriage it is NOT something to lie or pretend about. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

Look after yourself @TellMeMore2020 you've got a lot going on. Do you want to be in a relationship with him? A baby won't make a relationship better but being a single mum isn't the end of the world.

The problem is my mental health mainly. I'm unsure I could cope because sometimes I get so down I can barely get out of bed. I feel like it wouldn't be fair on a child to have a mum like me.

From what my partner was saying, he doesnt want the child to be a failure and that he will be rather strict. This hit a nerve with me. Of course he/she wouldn't be a failure it's just worried how DP is going to be.

I am worried about having this discussion with him because he's religious (Muslim) so will definitely not want a termination. I've already spoke to him about my mental health- he suggested I see a psychologist and 'don't be so negative'.
I don't want to completely bash him, he's kind and would bend over backwards for me but on this matter, unfortunately we don't see eye to eye.

I genuinely feel so alone and don't know where to turn. I'm almost 9 weeks and times going so fast 😔

I'm sorry you are going through this tellmemore , I know people who have pretended to have a mc and would not judge them at all. People will always have their opinions on that but it's your body and your choice, that includes what you tell people.

Having said that, having a termination can play havoc with your hormones and mental health too, like yourself when I terminated I was not in a good place and the aftermath was very hard mentally to deal with, it was very tough mentally and I don't think I could have kept it a secret as I was so low.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about things in real life? I had antenatal depression in both my pregnancies and it was absolutely crushing to the point I thought about a second termination, although I'm glad I didn't now.

If you do keep the baby there is no doubt you'll be a great mother and it may give you strength you never even knew you had, but you have to do what's right for you. Really hope you're ok and feel free to pm me if you need to

This sounds like a genuinely stressful situation that is so hard to give advice on :(

I’m sorry for suffering. I’d say there is a lot to unpack and you need to try and separate out your own feelings towards the pregnancy and completely remove him from the equation really.

If it’s just (“just”) your mental health causin you dread, but when mindfully thinking about being a mother you feel you want the baby, I would urgently seek an early booking in appointment and explain over the phone/on the referral form that you have real concerns over your mental health and would like support access ASAP..

If you genuinely do not want a child, and your mental health is also meaning practically you wouldn’t at all ever be able to cope with one even with treatment and support, I would seek a termination.

It is really important you work out your own feelings about this pregnancy though, as both raising an unwanted child and having an unwanted termination can be really devastating mental health wise, which is really something you don’t want.

I would continue to remove your partner from the equation, as callous as that sounds. It is hard and to me it’s not black and white as to whether he has an influence or not, but ultimately it is 100% your decision and the decision should be based on whether you think you could cope with pregnancy and parenting, and not anything else.

If you do want this baby, frankly don’t be put off by your partner’s attitude. Parenting changes people and to be honest if you think his parenting is genuinely damaging or abusive, you can leave him. You know him though, is he likely to be completely unwilling to compromise if you tell him you are against pushy parenting etc? There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting your child to be successful, but you know what the context is of him saying that and we don’t. It’s a bit odd I would say, to be talking so much about discipline and success at the baby stage. Is he saying this wistfully and thinking about the future? Or is he kind of telling you how it’s going to be and exerting some control over the situation?

This is all up to you remember OP, feel empowered to take control and seek whatever support you need and to make whatever decision you need to make. Good luck