8 weeks pregnant and feel depression creeping in

[Mummum92]

Bare with me it’s slightly long as I have no one around. Ok so I’ll start with the reason I’m here. My partner works long hours (he’s very supportive but hardly ever around), my mum and I aren’t on good terms atm, 2 of my friends are childless and keep laughing off my problems and my twin mum friend just gives tough love....

So I just had my 2nd child 6 months ago, having him (apart from bad pregnancy) has made me the happiest I’ve ever felt. I had awful post natal anxiety after my first baby and felt I didn’t enjoy being a mum for such a long time so I have been so grateful this time round. Last month I found out I am pregnant again (protection was being used) so I was in total shock. My first thoughts were “I can’t do this my baby is only 6 months old”, “how am I going to cope”, “my house is going to be so disgusting because how am I going to find time to clean”. It took me a few days to get my head out of the shock but then I started to feel a bit excited thinking of having another baby and being able to give birth again (even though it nearly killed me lol) but morning sickness has hit me so so bad and all I am doing is sitting around with a bowl trying so hard not to throw up whilst having a demanding 4yr old and a 6 month old who is starting to want to be on the move. I’m literally trying to ‘survive’ my days atm and just get to the end of the day so I can sleep. It’s such a busy time of year for us with bdays which I frankly cannot be bothered with, sounds so awful but I just want to crawl into a dark hole because I feel so rough.
Yesterday from the moment I woke up till I went to bed I felt sick, there was no break and I ended up crying to myself for ages because I thought I can’t do this. I am so overwhelmed with all that’s going on and I even thought about calling a therapist because no one in my life is listening to how seriously bad I feel. I also have a disability that effects my joints and muscles which makes me weak, loss of grip, brain fog, dizziness and falling over if my blood pressure drops etc etc. All the while my 4yr old is constantly demanding and doesn’t understand why I’m laying down and “not doing anything again”. Whenever I speak to my friend she just says “what you’re still feeling sick?” Like it just goes after a day 🙄

Has anyone had 2 babies 1 year apart? I’m terrified I’m not going to cope when the baby gets here. It’s very negative but all I keep thinking is how gross I’m going to look and smell and my house is going to be the same and I’ll need to do the school run with 2 young kids getting out the house on time, what if the baby doesn’t sleep well? What if they have awful colic where they scream constantly? I have so many things going through my mind, so sorry if this all sounds so dark.
Our wedding is also booked for September 2020 so I want to get in shape for that and I need to still plan everything and run around for all that needs doing.
I just feel like I can’t do any of this I want to just give up right now and sleep for 5 years I honestly feel like I’m going to have a breakdown I feel so alone 😢

I am sorry you are going through this

Remember you're in the first trimester - things will get a little easier once all the raging hormones settle down and stop draining you mentally and physically.

And secondly, please don't be so hard on yourself! as mums we can only try our best! I'm expecting right now and have had numerous days where there is nothing i can do except put cbeebies on for the kids and sit back - you shouldn't feel guilty if its not in your control!

My sciatica and numerous other health issues mean i am barely looking after the house - considering getting a deep clean before baby comes - husband works long hours too so he can only help on weekends, but i do what i can manage. And i refuse to feel guilty about it.

Will your four year old be starting school soon? maybe it will be a little bit easier then?

It can be a very isolating time, especially if people haven't experienced the same as you (or are just not empathetic/lacking humaness) - when i told my mum that i was getting a growth scan as i was measuring small, she told me oh it will be fine, just eat more

Try not to think too ahead... otherwise it will overwhelm you!

hugs xx

8-9 weeks pregnant is possibly the peak of morning sickness/knackeredness so you are in the very worst bit now, it will get better. Can your DP takes some holiday next week? I know it's short notice, but reinforcements will help. My mum came to stay for a week when I was 9 weeks with my third and feeling awful and it made a huge difference. I know that's not an option for you right now!

If you have any spare cash- is there a teen you know who could do with a bit of work who can be a "mothers help" for you til school/uni goes back? Playing with the kids, keeping the laundry ticking over, helping with meals (I did that one summer as a teen for a friend of my Mum's and it worked really well).

Ringing your therapist sounds good- why not!

You are doing super well- this is hard, and getting through this bit is about all that can be said for it.

Thank you so much for your replies. It means a lot to know I’m not alone 💗😥 @Sabee I know oh too well about sciatica hope you feel better soon! @DustyDoorframes unfortunately my OH is self employed and our only income so I do have to struggle through, I don’t know anyone else that could help as I have very little family left 😓 and my friends are slightly younger than me (I’m 27) and work full time in London. I would love my mum to come and stay but her and my step dad have their own health problems going on right now so it would be a strain for them too. My baby starts school in September so I’m just hoping I will get some rest in then but I feel so guilty because it’s our last summer before school! It has helped me to write this all down I really didn’t know what to do last night and felt so down but I’ve managed to get out for a walk today which feels slightly better for my mind! I’m going to try not thinking too far ahead- something I do often. And try to be mindful about the now instead, I think thinking of school starting and birthdays and wedding planning with a baby being thrown into the mix has really made me badly anxious and I can’t tell the future so I really need to stop panicking and try to remind myself to think of today instead 😰 thank you for your replies x