Pregnant and really don't think I want to go ahead but DP wants to

[Upthefarawaytree1]

Hello all, looking for some advice - I have been absolutely irresponsible in allowing myself to get pregnant so accept this is all my own fault but please be kind. I have just found out that I'm pregnant (4/5 weeks) and don't know what to feel to be honest. In all honesty I don't feel 'ready' for a baby - I feel too young even though I know I'm really not (am 26) - I feel there is a lot that I want to do with my life and I have a vision of myself sitting on the sofa 8 months from now feeling weepy as a newborn cries in the next room and my dreams go down the toilet - I know logically things wouldn't be like this forever and a baby isn't the end of the world etc but it feels like such a huge grenade and I'm just not sure that I want to go ahead with something so massive if not 100% certain. I've told nobody but DP, immediately I told him I felt overwhelmed and conflicted - he said he doesn't want to put pressure on me but has said he wants me to keep it. I just feel not 100% sure of anything - whether I want to be a mum, or whether I even see us together as a couple in another 5 years. Anyway now DP seems pissed off and is avoiding me - I said please don't shame me into going ahead with this, and he just said 'if you're not ready now I don't think you ever will be' - really don't know what to think, please someone offer some advice!

You're only 26. That's old enough but not too old. I'm 29 and have only been ready in the last year. I had a lot that I wanted to do first, and that's okay.

Do you have anyone you can talk to other than DP? It's really sad that you're pregnant and he's happy and you're not, but your feelings are really valid. You have time.

Can you agree a truce for a few days and not discuss it so that you can think? If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy too; and to be happy you need to know if you're just worried about change or if you're not ready yet.

@Upthefarawaytree I'm sorry your feeling this way. Pregnancy should be the most happy exciting time. It's still very early so you don't need to make a rash decision over night. Just be kind to yourself and really think this through. Ultimately it's your body that has to go through this not your DPs. It may help to tell a close friend and have someone more impartial to speak to about how you feel. How long have you been with your DP if you don't mind me asking?

It's not his choice and him avoiding you is worrying.

I wonder if you'd be better moving this to relationships.

@anchordowndeepbreath @Mockingjay27 thanks both - we have been together five years and I know he would be a good dad but I just don't know that that's enough. If I was not pregnant now and was asked whether I would like a baby I would say, no, not yet - just not sure if actually being pregnant should change that, given that it's just such a small collection of cells at the moment (don't mean to sound flippant.)

My sister is a single parent and has really struggled so I don't know if subconsciously I just fear motherhood as I associate it with (emotional, financial, mental) hardship

Anyway now DP (darling partner) seems pissed off and is avoiding me - I said please don't shame me into going ahead with this, and he just said 'if you're not ready now I don't think you ever will be'

Doesn’t sound like a great person to have a baby with and tie yourself to tbh. There’s no wrong decision here OP, other than not doing what is right for you. It sounds like you’re just not quite ready - and of course that doesn’t mean you never will be - and that’s ok. Your DP is entitled to his opinion, but the choice is 100% yours.

@Upthefarawaytree it's your decision ultimately!
However if after 5 years you still aren't sure there is a future then maybe you and your partner need to have a discussion about your future together

Hey farawaytree, I think in your title you have given your answer. 'really don't think I can go ahead'. Last year I was 25. I had qualified as a teacher but hadn't sorted a teaching job. I was with my partner but we hadn't had 5 years together like yourselves! I had just been to South Korea and Japan and had more travelling to do. Then I got pregnant. I went through mind fuck after mind fuck but ultimately beneath all of the panicking about my life not being perfected, I felt excitement. Now he's here, I don't care that I'm not in a teaching job, that I still live with my mum or that me and DP don't love together. He is honestly the best thing I've ever done and all I can say for myself is: when he's 20 I'll be 45! 😂 Win!.... But how do you truly feel? Whatever you decide it will not be the end of the world.

Honestly if that's how you feel I don't think you should keep it. It's so early in the pregnancy too - the earlier the better. It's OK to not want a baby right now and then decide you do later when your situation is different.
We all make mistakes - an unwanted child is a bloody big price to pay for it and you don't need to. X

I personally believe that this is a discussion and a decision you need to reach together. It takes two to make a baby and you are in a long term, stable relationship (making assumptions here).

His reaction could be down to hurt that you would suggest termination, when that doesn't sound to have been a consideration of his.

You need to sit down together and discuss your feelings - explain your concerns. Get an appointment with a doctor to discuss your situation - but don't rush to make a decision. Your emotions and feelings will naturally be all over the place. Time is on your side at the moment. Whichever decision you make together, cannot be undone and so consider everything.

Your situation is unique to you, and you are not in the same situation as your sibling or anybody else in that sense.

At the end of the day, only the two of your can decided what's right. Wishing you the best as you move forward x

Id abort, he is only a partner and not a husband, and your too young to waste your life. You have so much to look forward to and not a life with a man who sees you as a brood mare.

I think as well as thinking about the impact on your life, think about how it would work for your child. Will you be able to look after them, as a couple, in the way you'd want to? Will you have a place to live with some security? Can you afford it? How would you and DP manage childcare? What are his expectations regarding your respective roles in that (is he very traditional, would he expect you stay home or your career is the one which takes a back seat) etc?

I had this although I was 27. Exactly the same worries about my dreams/ job/ travel etc. In the end we went ahead and v tragically my dd died aged 1. I massively regret doubting what I wanted now and wish I had made a choice (either way) and been happy. This is not to say you should go ahead, it is to say be confident in your decision - and if you choose to terminate make sure you do all of the stuff you are worried about missing out on. If DP is the one he will understand and respect your choice.

You have suggested that you want to abort his baby, for no other reason then it's inconvenient, I'm not surprised hes's peeved. You need to figure out what you really want together. If you choose to abort but he is not fully on board then don't be surprised if your relationship goes pete tong. I don't think there is ever a right time to have a baby.

I can see it from both sides. I absolutely support any woman’s right to choose, but personally I’ve had two unplanned pregnancies and both times the father put pressure on me to abort. The mere suggestion of abortion sent me into a spiral of self doubt and self pity - “Why aren’t I good enough? He doesn’t want to be tied to me, I must be inadequate. He says it’s not the right time but really he just doesn’t want me enough” blah blah. It’s irrational but it does make you feel that way as a knee-jerk reaction.
Both times I have seriously considered abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My daughter is amazing! I’m 12 weeks pregnant with my second and had my first scan today which was amazing.

The decision is yours ultimately, but please don’t be surprised if your partner feels hurt and rejected because you ‘don’t want his baby’. Reassure him that you love him and that you’re being genuine when you say “one day, but not right now”