Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Unplanned 4th pregnancy

8 replies

Raindrop3 · 16/08/2019 19:57

I found out a week ago I am pregnant with my 4th child. It was an absolute shock and surprise. My three kids are 6,8 & 11. My eldest has asd, adhd and whilst high functioning makes family life very difficult at times. I always thought I may like a 4th one day until I found out I was pregnant. It’s hit me like a truck that actually perhaps I don’t. I have so many reasons for feeling this way. I’m terrified of having another autistic child, and don’t know how I’d do it again. I am struggling to see how a baby will fit into our busy life - and how it will affect my kids. The gap is so big. How can they bond??
I’ve just got all kids in school and finally have a life of my own. I feel devastated to give it up. I realise termination is my only way out and have had a conversation with a clinic. Just them describing to me what it involved made my cry for hours. I’m totally pro-choice. I had one when I was younger but now I don’t know how I can do it. I feel totally trapped either way. My husband is amazing. Totally supportive. He seems quite keen, which has surprised me. Financially we are ok. But his job is always insecure due to nature of the industry. It worries me if things go wrong for him and if he takes a pay cut that another child will add more stress. This is such a babble. Sorry. I have no one to talk to. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone. Not even my parents. I haven’t gone to the GP yet as that makes it so real. I really need some perspective and advice. Thanks.

OP posts:
Sleepyhead19 · 16/08/2019 20:17

Hi. I also am pregnant with my 4th. Unplanned too and very unexpected as I have a condition preventing pregnancy. I don’t have a supportive partner. I wish I could turn the clock back. I am 17 weeks and feeling so low about it I don’t how how to cope. This was a massive shock for me.
I can understand your reasons for being worried about extending your family. It must be very difficult for you. I’m glad you have a supportive husband to talk to. I don’t have any advice as such except do what you feel is right for you and your family. Don’t worry too much about finances as somehow, we always get by. You have a little time to decide how you feel about it all. You have to be happy with your choice. Best wishes xx

Raindrop3 · 16/08/2019 20:21

Oh god I’m so sorry. What made you decide to go ahead? I’m really sorry to hear your partner isn’t supportive towards you. How hard for you.
The guilt I feel is all consuming. I fee I should be happy - like I was with my other 3. I keep looking at them and thinking it isn’t possible to love another one and it will upset our little unit completely. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. I wish I could feel excited instead of the feeling of constant dread 😢

OP posts:
Sleepyhead19 · 16/08/2019 22:21

I think I felt the way you are feeling now, and not being able to speak to anyone about made it so hard to decide. I didn't want to look back and feel guilty and regret having a termination. My partner only saw the bad side and I wanted to talk things through properly, which only ended in a row. We had a break after he cheated 3 years ago, and I thought we were getting on better. He put me through hell and I should've kicked him out but didn't want to hurt the kids. He kept telling me we weren't back on track like he led me to believe, he didn't want to have another child with me, but he planned to start a new family with someone else who was younger. It's killed me. Basically this child isn't good enough for him and neither am I. I think having to deal with that has spoiled my chance to think things through properly, and now people know about the baby, so it's too late. I don't feel I'm bonding with it and I can't get excited about it.

Your situation is different to mine though. You are supported and even though right now the idea of changing your family dynamic is terrifying as it was unexpected, you will be able to love a new addition just as much as your other 3 and they will love it too. You don't need to make a hurried decision. Just make sure it is the right one for you. Can you take a day or two to just be alone to think, maybe go for a day out to walk and just get your head straight? Sometimes having lots of distraction can hold us back from making these decisions. xx

FritataPatate · 16/08/2019 22:23

Flowers for you both

Raindrop3 · 16/08/2019 22:45

Sleepyhead19 - I feel heartbroken for you. I don’t even know what to say. You must be incredibly strong and so this baby, along with your others, is so lucky to have you. I sincerely hope that you have support in other areas, like family or close friends?
Thank you for your advice. I will take some time and continue to keep this to myself for a while longer. Once people know it’s too late, as you well know.
I guess I was hoping someone who had felt similarly to me and had made a decision either way would be able to tell me if it worked out well for them and their family x

OP posts:
beckymum · 17/08/2019 08:05

Hi @Raindrop3
I am in a similar position to you although pregnant with number 5 and not such a gap to the next baby up who is 11 months.
But like you we were done. I also have a 7yo DS with ASD and ADHD who is struggling in mainstream and moving schools next month to get more support, about to start medication , and incredibly demanding on me during all his waking hours.
However it's hard to switch off my protective instincts towards a pregnancy.
I spoke to Marie stopes but just can't go through with it.
My early scan was rather uncertain about viability though so maybe I won't have a decision to make.
So I don't have any advice but I do have a lot of empathy!!
You sound to me like you want to keep it. It's elder siblings will love it- mine have always been very excited about a new baby. However the reality is a lot more work for you!
If you can't go through with an abortion then I guess you have your answer anyway.....
Try to stay calm and if you are keeping it, try to enjoy the pregnancy. My last baby I was embarrassed to be having another one and now he's here and lovely and I think why wasn't I more happy & excited when I was pregnant with him. I should have been!!!
Good luck
Bxxx

Notrobusta · 17/08/2019 08:33

I’m sorry you are in this position. I am expecting my 4th and also have a lot of the same worries even though it was planned. In terms of the age gap and bonding, my third baby was 10 and 7 years younger than my first two children. They both dote on their little brother and have had such joy in seeing him grow. They have both experienced what it is to fall in love and he brings such joy to them. They are both excited about another baby and they will be 14 and 11 when they arrive. I can’t say what the right thing is for your family but bonding I’m sure will be the easy part . Good luck.

Sleepyhead19 · 17/08/2019 10:57

@raindrop3, I'm glad someone in a similar position to you has posted. I was hoping they would for you.
I don't think I could speak to a friend about it as they would think I was an awful person for feeling this way about the baby. I am just hoping that my feelings towards it change, which I am sure they will eventually. I think I have so much going on at the moment that I'm struggling to keep a straight head.

Please let us know what you decide and know whatever your decision, it was the right one. Best wishes xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page