Changing friendships

[fancytiles]

21 weeks pregnant 30 yr old and feel like I've not got much in common anymore with my friends from uni. They are the same age as me but at very different life stages, won't have children for a long time. I feel quite far removed from them and that the things they find important and stress about are just not things that would worry me and I can't relate. I suppose it's a natural process of growing up but I don't want to end up with no friends! Will need to make new mum friends I suppose x

I'm 28 and feel the same way. I actually moved just before I got pregnant so I see less of my old friends anyway, but their enthusiasm to keep in touch with me has definitely nose dived since me announcing my news. Some of them seem to be a bit weird with me now, almost as if they don't know what to say to me. As far as I know none of them are anywhere close to thinking about children. Some of them have even had long talks with me in the past about how much they can't stand babies and how they don't get why anyone would have one. It certainly feels awkward chatting with those people now lol.

You are absolutely right about making mum friends. It's been a life line to me. And it's easier than you'd think! I've found that other first time mum's are often in a similar position and are very keen to make friends with you. I met a lot of great people at birthing classes (I think they might be called NCT classes in the UK?). The bumble app is also good - you can include that you are pregnant on your profile.

Also I've found that some of your old friends really surprise you with how excited they are for you. I think having a baby can really show you who your real friends are. Some people people will be very supportive and it will strengthen your friendship. For me it was probably the last person I would have expected!

I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm 30 years old and 21+5 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I've noticed my friends have dropped like flies since I've told them my news. It is sad but I think life just takes us in different directions unfortunately. It does hurt as I have been quite poorly throughout the pregnancy and haven't had a single message to ask how I'm getting on etc. Like you I'm going to try and find some new mum friends too. I'm sure we'll find plenty at antenatal classes, mum and baby groups etc :)

Thank you so much for your messages ❤️ so good to know that there are people in the same position, I've had exactly the same thing where I hear from friends less and less. I also have had friends who talk openly about how they don't like babies and don't understand how anyone could give up their job to be a mum (which is probably what I will do! I'm currently a management consultant in the city but I don't see it being sustainable with being a mum to my little boy 💙). I send the odd picture now and then of a scan and it gets met with total radio silence 😂 yes I think NCT and mum groups are the way to go, I'm due in December and have signed up for two lots that run over October and November :) looking forward to it and hope to meet mum friends there :) congratulations on your little ones such an exciting time! First Christmas for the babies this year :) xxx

I am pregnant, but can see the other side too (and I’m not saying it applies to you) but my friends have changed completely when they got pregnant. They stopped making an effort, could only talk about being pregnant etc so the friendship did change. I tried to make an effort and show an interest as I was genuinely excited for them - but it wasn’t reciprocated. They stopped asking about me and how I was or what I was doing. I’m not saying they feel like that about you - but just that it works both ways!

@fancytiles I was in exactly the same position as you (30, no friends with kids- them still partying and mostly single) and thankfully an older friend of my partners said 'You have to do NCT classes- don't question it, just do it' I am so so grateful for his advice. As it turned out none of my friends had babies for another 5 years plus and I had PND which my amazing NCT friends helped me through. I know you never know who you will meet and it was a stretch financially for us at the time. But honestly to have a group of people going through new motherhood at the same time as you is priceless! I will be lifelong friends with a couple of the girls from mine - actually we are 8 years down the line now and still going strong. Don't want to sound pushy but honestly was some of the best money I have ever spent. Good luck with it all. ❤️

Sorry should have read the thread 😂 that's brilliant you've signed up- I bet you'll make some really good friends- excellent news ❤️ Just to add, now I'm in my late 30's lots of friends have had kids and the separation I felt when we were at different life stages has improved now with them asking my advice re. Kid and baby things, so it's lovely now.

Would you still be living in the city or be able to see them? A lot of my friends and colleagues who are based in London are often unwilling to make an effort for non-London friends unless they also happen to live abroad. So if you might no longer be commuting or living in, they might see no point in making an effort. Ruthless but happens a lot in the city.

Yes definitely excited for the baby classes ☺️☺️ they start in October for my December due date so exited to meet people then!

We actually live in London, currently London Bridge but about to move into Notting hill (bit more family focused that middle of the city lol) so it's still fairly central. I am hoping that people will make it there, or I can go and see them as a lot are south west so not far (and get out the house/get some exercise!) xx

I'm in the same boat here, a lot of my friends have dropped off the face of the earth or aren't replying to messages. As most of them don't want/like kids I've always ensured that I don't talk about it at all/only when asked. But I still see then pulling away, hurts like hell and I'm feeling lonely. (Esp as these Are friends I've had for more than twelve years).

@Iilana that's a bit sad that you feel like you can't talk about it at all 😔

I agree with another poster above who said that it goes both ways- I've had some friends who have been completely disinterested in my life since having kids and I was often met with stony silence when posting something about my travels in group chat whereas a baby picture would get a million comments. I'm now pregnant with my first and trying really hard to be aware to not do the same to my child free friends. Again, not saying that's the situation with any of the posters above but just hate that we get split into two teams- mums versus non mums.

I'm feeling the same except I am 40 in two weeks. All of my friend's children are over the age of 8 and most are teenagers so I feel completely on my own!

@tisonlymeagain I'm 37 and know how you feel, not sure I'd be any good making new friends at this age.
@Anoushka1986 it's also sad that you can't have joy about other experiences such as travel outside of motherhood shared in your friendship group. It's like we've been pigeon holed.

@lilana I am going to make a real effort to go to baby groups etc and hope that I meet people!

I’m 28 and I have literally no friends.
My only ‘friend’ - as in someone I would talk to away from work and about normal things had a baby in April, so I guess we’re on the same level.
I seen my friendships change when I was 19/20 and unfortunately I never made an effort to keep them! My own fault 😂

Yeah it's also a shame that when people do have kids/get pregnant they are not interested in anything else, which is the same thing the other way round! I didn't get pregnant till 30 so had a good 12 years of all those crazy travelling experiences which I am definitely still interested in (but just can't do at the moment!)
My friends I think are more likely to do things later so have kids 35+ and really aren't interested in anything baby related at the moment.