Not feeling connected to baby

[NCpreggo]

Hi all,
NC as some of previous posts are a bit outing.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and am just not feeling connected to the baby or excited at all. We were trying for a while and both definitely wanted a baby so I didn't expect to feel like this.

Other people say about how they feel great when pregnant, can't wait to meet their baby, so exciting, how excited I must be feeling - but I just don't.

I feel the baby move a lot and just feel a bit like my body isn't my own. I had a dream where I saw the shape of a big bug crawling under my belly skin which was horrid!

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a bad person - my DH talks to the bump and says he loves baby and can't wait to meet them etc and i just feel dead inside when he says this.

Any advice for trying to "connect" with baby?

Thanks in advance

Try talking to the baby, singing etc.
Just talk rubbish, constantly, and baby will start to respond to the sound of your voice.

A baby moving in your belly is the weirdest feeling. People talk about how magical it is blah blah but it's not, it's strange.
So don't feel like you're on your own with feeling the way you do. You're not, honestly.

Some people take a long time to bond with the baby - even after the baby is born. Just keep going and it'll come in time (probably when you're telling the baby to hurry up and be born!)

Thank you - i do talk very occasionally so will do that more and will definitely try singing.

And yes I had expected to love feeling baby move - but just find it strange as you say, like there's another being taking over my body!

It has made me a little concerned about connecting when baby is born but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks again for your suggestions/support!

I have a really hard time believing that I'm pregnant for all of the first and pretty much all of the second trimester. We also struggled with conception so I wonder if this is part of the issue - that I can't believe it will really happen. It was a lot more acute in my first pregnancy, this time it's been less weird because I've recognised a lot of the symptoms from the first time round.

I'm now at week 31 and I'm probably only 8 weeks from a real live baby (am I ready? NO ... you're never ready). I've started feeling a bit excited now and I also know that it does change once baby arrives. So I have now accepted that I am indeed pregnant and there is a baby in there.

I really don't enjoy pregnancy but I love being mummy - I've got a wonderful little girl and she's just fabulous.

You're right Woolly I felt/feel a bit like it's not real - and perhaps you're onto something that it could be as took a while to conceive and a few early miscarriages meant I didn't really trust my body to hang on to the baby/give me a healthy baby - or something like that.

I was exactly the same, and I think it's because I miscarried previously too. What helped me was giving the baby a name (not a real one, we called her Bubble!) and chatting to my husband about what we thought she would be like as a person. Made it all much more real.

If it helps any, I didn't really 'bond' with either of my bumps. It was hard for me to visualise who was in my uterus, who this little person would look like, would be like, etc. Obviously I couldn't wait to meet the baby but with that, was an element of wanting to not be pregnant any more

My partner also didn't really do the whole "talking" to baby much and it freaked him out when each baby moved. However, when our children we born, it was natural for both us and I loved them straight away. My partner is a great dad and dotes on his kids now.

Don't worry too much for now. :)

🌷stop putting so much pressure on yourself! Especially when you’ve had miscarriages, your just protecting yourself a bit x

Lots of women feel the way you do, they just don’t talk about it IRL it would help if women felt they could be more honest about it

IF YOU want to work on it (but you don’t have to) then start talking to your baby and ‘plsying’ With him/her when they move - finding hands & feet etc if you can bear that.

Also, when the time comes, remember lots of women DO NOT get that ‘woosh’ of ‘love’ as soon as the baby us born, it can take months - and longer for some!

One day you’ll just suddenly realise there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them

But stop pressuring yourself to feel/act differently than you do!

It sounds like you are feeling numb and a bit worried because you need to trust that what your feeling is normal. You're longing for connection with baby. You had a way you imagined you'd feel but the reality is different just at the moment. Try not to judge yourself, make all feelings welcome here. If it's comforting I have heard other ladies describe very similar themed dreams.

I love the idea of singing because it's something you can do together to connect now before you meet. Maybe playing bump some of your favorite music too. It sounds a funny question but are you doing much walking? if it's possible get your walking boots on and maybe get out rambling in nature. I think stuff shifts sometimes when we start physically moving.

Is there something you could do just for yourself too. Have you had any massage or similar? Maybe cultivating a connection with your changing body now might be the key to cultivating a connection to your baby. Yoga might be worth a try.

Coming in now with the wild ideas, what about body painting your bump with DH m or taking part in life drawing classes (if you're brave!) to give yourself a new perspective on your body?

Have you told DH how you're feeling?

I felt the same. Some of the best advice I got from a counsellor was that if you have a bath the baby will feel more connected to you cause you’re both in water at the same time. It’s quite cute really. I tried it and felt better.

A
“Bump” is different to a “baby “.... believe me

@peachgreen we do have a nickname - and your other idea is great, thanks, will definitely give that a go

@cavalier I know I should have said "foetus" I suppose - just doesn't help with trying to feel something towards it!

@Nuttyaboutnutella & @IncrediblySadToo - thank you - your words are definitely a comfort! I think it's because no one talks about this stuff, so to get some views on here helps a lot.

@Taxicus - life drawing would definitely be 5 steps too far for me but you're right I'm not doing much walking - will try that, i do always feel better having some fresh air/nature time anyway so should have thought of that. I have mentioned it to DH - he said he says what he does to bump as he's thinking about how nice it'll be to meet baby etc. He works FT and long hours whereas one of my job contracts has just finished so I'm doing PT now till baby is born, getting DIY done etc but i guess I have more time to worry/overthink than he does! He says that I'll feel better when baby is here, not much else he can say i suppose tho he has been supportive through my pregnancy.

@Xyzzzzz that's a good idea - i had a bath last night but always read in the bath - I'll stop reading and try singing to bump in the bath! (Neighbours may think I've gone crackers but hey ho )

Don’t worry- I felt zero connection to my daughter when pregnant. I had a rough pregnancy & at times, I somewhat resented my bump for making me so poorly!

I was also not someone who got this enormous rush of love when she was given to me post birth, I think I was mostly in shock!

She’s now two & the love of my life. Honestly, I’m even proud when she poos in the potty.. That love & bond formed for me a few weeks in, once I’d got to know her & around the time she first smiled. And since then, my love has grown daily!

I wouldn't worry too much about it - I feel the same way and I'm 37 weeks. I feel him move a lot and we've sorted all the practical things but I just can't imagine that there's actually a baby in there despite numerous scans etc. My DH definitely feels more connected to him than I do. I've discussed it with my midwife and others and it's not that unusual and has no bearing on the ability to bond with the baby once it's born. That said, it's also totally normal not to bond immediately and feel that rush of love. There's nothing wrong with that too, I think a lot of it depends on how you tend to deal with emotions.

I think this is much more normal than people pretend, it's just usually a very taboo subject, so well done for voicing your feelings and fears.

I am currently 29 weeks and I have spoken to my baby all the way through and feel very connected to her, but I can also understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel like my body has been taken over and is just a vessel for her. Nothing is my own any more, from the cramping legs most nights, distended belly that now gets in the way when I'm washing up/reaching in cupboards, struggling to pick up after my SS etc. I am excited for her to be here, but I also can't wait until I can turn over in the night without waking up because my stomach is too heavy or my back hurts! I'm sure my OH is excited to be able to get rid of all the pillows too!

I generally love feeling her move, but I can also have times where actually it hurts and it's really uncomfortable so I don't always enjoy it. I can also imagine how some people feel a bit sickened by the feeling, because one of my friends did. She really struggled with the movements.

It doesn't mean you will be a bad parent, or that you won't love this little person you haven't met yet but given your body to. It means you are human. It won't last forever, but be kind to yourself in the meantime.

I'm on my third and have never felt 'connected' to any of them (well, the first two when they were born or even a bit after that, but that's another issue!). I'm 22 weeks now and as much as I am excited about having the baby I don't know it yet, this person is a stranger to me and I don't know what they look like or what their personality is like or even if they are male or female / I think it's perfectly normal not to feel that connected to something which is a bit abstract really.

I couldn't love my children more though, so I know this comes eventually. Just don't feel pressured to feel or act a certain way (I wouldn't sing to my stomach if you paid me!) because you will most likely feel aaaallll the feelings when they are born.

I feel similar OP though only 23 weeks here. I think partly it's because I'm aware things can still go wrong and I won't actually accept it's here until it actually is here. We've known the sex since the Harmony results too and still refer to it as 'it'!

I'm fairly sure I'll feel differently after it's born though. I guess mostly I feel uncomfortable because of other's expectations - we haven't told many people at all mostly because I don't want to talk about it and I'm dreading people being all excited when I'm not really, and making me feel like a bit of a freak!