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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Baby’s Father

19 replies

Ashley021 · 31/07/2019 04:10

Hey all I’m new here and really needed to speak and let it out, very hard all this for me so please bear with me.

A lot of people will think I’m in the wrong and disrespectful but please don’t judge until you have experienced it yourself.

Anyway basically I’m 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I am married and have beautiful son who is 5 but I’m not sure if the baby is my husbands. In December last year I met a guy who I work with and we just talked and got on very well, my mind was not into him like this and the same for him, we just had a lot in common and got on well. So we was kept talking and ended up actually meeting up privately around late January and have been seeing him ever since for about 5-6 months now behind my family’s back and I do feel sick to my stomach and guilty, I never thought something like this would happen to me, I had everything at home and I really don’t understand how this all has happened but we are here now. He tells me he loves me and I do love him, we are just a match and really not much we can do about it. Anyway so when I took the pregnancy test on April 18th the clear blue test told me I’m 3+ weeks so basically that means I was pregnant on 28th of March or before right? Because all my dates with midwife are telling me I got pregnant on 31st of March and I did have intercourse with him on the 30th but he did use protection but he was not the best with condoms I must admit, he did ejeculate inside of me twice but with condom on and he checked if was splits and all was ok so we both are not sure what to believe here and very confused. So basically I’m very interested about the clearblue test would that be accurate? Because I’m sure midwifes just take the dates from the internet? I could be wrong.

Thank you for listening

OP posts:

PatricksRum · 31/07/2019 04:24

You're going to have to do a DNA.
Why can't you tell your husband what you're doing? You clearly don't love or respect him so why not leave him and be with the "new guy" properly?

Banangana · 31/07/2019 04:29

Come clean to your husband so that you and your match can be together properly.

Original poster

Ashley021 · 31/07/2019 04:33

Because I’m scared to ruin my family and give my son pain, I always wanted for my son to have mum and dad always together, it was never my intention to hurt anyone, feelings just took over my body and mind and now I will suffer maximum consequences if baby is not my husbands.

Are them clear blue tests accurate do you know? Because 3+ weeks is before 28th of March from the date I took Test (18th of April) right? and I apparently ovulated on the 31st.

I’m so confused but all my own fault :(

OP posts:

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/07/2019 04:37

So you are worried about ruining your family.. but feel its ok to have two families potentially.. behind your husbands back, when he could be with someone who is faithful and respects him.

It all comes out in the end, OP. Better sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the more it hurts.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/07/2019 04:38

It doesnt matter if the test is accurate. You've been having sex with two people, there are obviously two potential dads and you wont know for absolute certain unless you get a DNA test.

Kinsters · 31/07/2019 04:42

If you're 19+4 today then you're one week and four days ahead of me and I conceived with sex on 9th April so anytime around the end of March sounds about right for your conception date (you can't tell to the day if you've had sex multiple times near ovulation because sperm can live for a while - so being able to tell whether it's 28th March or 30th March is impossible unless you took a pregnancy test really early and can maybe guess from when a line first showed up).

I agree with the previous poster, you really need to tell your husband what's been going on. Its very unfair of you to keep on doing this to him and your family.

Kinsters · 31/07/2019 04:45

And yes, it will come out in the end and until it does it'll just be hanging over you all the time. Like what if your unborn baby ever did one of those family DNA tests which are becoming so much more popular and discovered his father wasn't who he thought? That's just awful to contemplate.

user1483387154 · 31/07/2019 05:04

you need to admit what you have done and fave the consequences. You chose to potentially ruin your family as soon as you cheated.

either man could be the dad

Banangana · 31/07/2019 05:10

Like what if your unborn baby ever did one of those family DNA tests which are becoming so much more popular and discovered his father wasn't who he thought?

Yes, I know a young man who found out accidentally in similar circumstances. In his case, the father was aware and had decided to forgive the affair and raise the child as his own. The fallout was huge and the lad was devastated but as far as I can tell, life has gone on and they're all plodding along.

I can only imagine what would have happened if the husband wasn't aware. If your husband raises the kid and then it all somehow came out that it's not his, expect a lot of anger from the child (and from the 5 year old) and be prepared to deal with the possibility of your child being rejected by the only father it's ever known and them blaming you for that.

Banangana · 31/07/2019 05:17

In the case I'm thinking of, it wasn't a DNA test that exposed the truth but something to do with blood types. Apparently in some cases, blood type can disprove paternity.

Sandybval · 31/07/2019 05:32

You should be honest with your husband, he deserves better. Justifying not telling him because it will upset your son is an excuse and cowardly. The other man clearly doesn't care that you are married so it's not like he will mind probably. Judgement aside I'm not sure what you mean that midwives get due dates online; prior to a scan they'll work it out from the date of your last period, the accuracy of which depends how well you know the length of your cycles etc, then the scan helps to confirm EDD.

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 31/07/2019 08:44

My sister was in a similar situation so I'm not going to judge. Did you have sex with your DH around the same time?

Fortheloveofscience · 31/07/2019 08:46

Echo everyone else there’s no way you can know without a DNA test. Does the OM know you’re pregnant and it could be his? For this child’s sake you need to be completely honest with everyone, accept the fall-out and do a DNA test as soon as the baby’s born.

Your poor husband .

Ginmonkey84 · 31/07/2019 10:21

I suppose the question is did you continue to have sex with your husband whilst you were sleeping with the other man? Especially around those dates?

In my honest opinion your playing with fire it will all come out eventually. You need to be honest, you have hurt your son and husband already by your infidelity and you have no right to continue a relationship whilst your husband is completely unaware of your unfaithfulness. He should be allowed to choose what he wants and if that means leaving then you just need to accept that. You chose what you wanted and you continued regardless of the hurt you could cause. So absolutely zero point saying you are concerned about it now. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to own up to it before you completely destroy them.

Bambamber · 31/07/2019 11:11

No those tests aren't accurate, they are wrong for quite a few women. What do you mean about midwives taking the dates from the internet? They date you using your LMP until you have your dating scan.

No judgement here, what's done is done and you can't change what has happened. However you do need to tell the truth and get a DNA test done. It's not fair on either man or your baby to not know who the father is.

Frlrlrubert · 31/07/2019 11:40

Clearblue isn't that accurate. Dating scan adds two weeks for average count back to LMP.

As PP said, you can conceive at/just after ovulation from sperm hanging around from intercourse in the previous 5 days.

If you were sleeping with both of them around that time you need a DNA test.

Angelinthenightx · 31/07/2019 11:43

U cant go by clearblue test how many weeks u are. U go by the date of your last period. Could be either or of the 2 guys since u were sleeping with both so will have to be a dna test to know 100%,not even going by your due date will u know who the dad is.

SpaceDinosaur · 31/07/2019 12:15

Look at it the other way,

When were you having unprotected sex/trying for a baby with your husband?

No matter what you do somebody is going to get hurt.

If you try to stay with your husband you'll hurt your "match" and also risk him fighting you for access to the baby so your husband (and son) will find out.

If you go to be with your "match" you'll hurt your husband and son and it may not be your "match's" baby anyway

You is literally in an impossible situation. I'm sorry, I know that's not comforting.

You need a DNA test

MissingCoffeeandWine · 31/07/2019 15:35

Hi Op,

I’m due the 21st of December according to scans, however I’ve measured as early as ten days before that in other NHS scans (high risk pregnancy so multiple measurements taken). So according to my dates, I could have conceived any time from the 26th of March to the first week in April.

Unfortunately as sperm live for a few days, and implantation can take anything from 1-5 days, it’s impossible to narrow down your conception dates to such a small window.

Clear blue tests work on people meeting a threshold, that represents the average hcg levels that people are at certain weeks pregnant. They publish this range on their website. They are in no way meant to be used as you are suggesting, they are not designed to be reliable enough.

Our dates are similar, I tested positive April 9th, tested with clear blue 3+ weeks on the 17th of April. I could not have fallen pregnant before March 27th (DH was away).

Post your twelve week scan, midwifes date by measurements not LMP (last missed period). Scans get more accurate as pregnancy progresses but even then, they operate based on average growth ranges. A few days of a window is too small to rely on anything other than dna (can be done prenatally but is expensive!)

I Understand that you’re looking for answers, but really, given your situation, you probably need to tell your husband either way. I’m sure you would be gutted if he kept something similar from you. Have you completed STI checks as part of pregnancy care?

Hoping you have some support. You can’t undo the mistakes you’ve made but you do need to decide your next steps.

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