DH Promotion - I know I should be happy!

[oogle1]

Long story short.
DH and I have had very similar careers / salaries for the last 5 years (we met at work), I am pregnant (1st) and off on mat leave in 4 weeks. He has just got a promotion and big pay rise.
I know this is positive for us and our future family, but I can't help feel a pang of jealousy that my career will be on hold whilst his advances. I've always been v.independent. I know I'm lucky to be able to take mat leave (1 year) I guess I'm just used to being equal/earning more and I hate the thought that in future we'll need to discuss him paying more for things..

Has anyone else been in this position? I know it's very "first world problem!"

Your career doesn't have to suffer too much, but it depends what your plans are. If you plan to return full time after the 9 months or the year and you and your DH consider it an equal responsibility to take time off for school holidays/appointments/sickness etc, then there is no reason it will. If you go back part time through choice or necessity then although it shouldn't it is likely to limit your progression.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and it is normal to feel a bit jealous I think, but we always hear how women are disadvantaged after maternity and not the many who remain successful.

I felt similar when DH overtook my earnings, even though it was positive for us as a family

Why don't you look at shared paternity leave? Where I work the majority do 9 months because of the package available and it does feel a lot longer for those who take the full year, if DH took some time if might help even things out?

I had this too. It is difficult. Does he know how you feel/get the unfairness of it all?

I found I got over it when I realised the benefits that I would get being at home when he is only entitled to 2 weeks! And there is much more protection for mothers now.

Saying that, there is a chance you could cut mat leave short so see how you feel.

It is normal. I’d be stressed about the timing too as just as I take a break from work to have a baby I expect my dh to take a few months of leaving on time etc to be home to support us.
When you say talking about him contributing more... please don’t say mat leave is funded by dhs standard contribution and your savings?

I second sharing parental leave. We did this, so I went back after 9 months and DH stayed at home with DS for months 9-12. Would that be something you and your DH could consider? No reason your career should take the sole hit.

Thank you everyone, it's nice to not feel like I'm totally unreasonable!

He actually gets 3 months paternity leave (that he can spread across the first year) so we're really lucky in that respect (big US IT companies have great mat/pat leave) so we decided we didn't really need to do shared parental leave.

It's true that I could go back earlier if I missed work too much/didn't want such a long break.
I haven't told him how I feel because I don't want to be negative about his promotion when he is so happy/worked so hard for it!

We did speak a bit about money, and at first I think he had expected that I'd spread my 6.5 months pay across the 12m. When I explained in actual monetary terms what this would mean I'm losing, he realised they wouldn't work.. I just need to work out how best to work it out/structure it fairly for both of us. How have others done this?

He is really supportive and lovely (any anxiety is all down to me, he never makes me feel bad or anything!) I just never want to turn into a bitter wife!

I took 12 weeks maternity and DH took 7 months total then went back part time where I went back full time. I now earn over double what he does (though it's my company and he's employed). To keep things fair, we have our salaries paid into our own accounts then transfer most into the joint account and are left with the same spending money each, evert month. The joint account pays for car, food, savings, bills, everything that benefits the three of us. Then the amount in our personal accounts we can spend as we want on ourselves or each other. It means we both have the same spending money but the bulk of salaries goes on family stuff and it seems the fairest way for us. HTH.

We just have family money so we don't see it as his money and my money. We get paid into our own current accounts and the vast majority of it gets transferred into a joint account for bills. We are both left with the same amount in our current account for day to day spending (and we use joint credit card for things like shopping and petrol that gets paid off with our bills).

My husband and I used to earn the same but I'm now part time. We get equal out of it because my reduction of hours enables him to work more on my days off without worrying about pick ups etc and saves on childcare.

It’s not about the money, is it? It’s about losing the opportunity to stay on the same career trajectory.

@Alsohuman you're right, I'm much more conscious of my career being on hold, and as he starts to earn more, if ever in future it makes sense for one of us to go part time (eg if we have more kids) then it'll automatically fall to me as I'll be the lower earner.

I have also never had to rely on a partner for money, always paid 50/50 and never had to justify a purchase... that changing really worries me!

Maybe it would help if you tried to see yourselves as a team? It does sound a bit as if you see yourself in competition with him! My advice would be not to go part time, lots of people don’t. Make sure you both cover kids’ sickness, school plays, etc and the cost of childcare is shared equally.

It’s unfortunate in some ways that his promotion coincides with your mat leave because it’s thrown a glaring light on the situation. Turn it into a positive and strive not to let your career suffer. And enjoy your baby, it passes in a blink and you can’t get it back.

My husband pays in more than me at the moment but he is doesn't mean I need to justify any purchases. We're a team and I work less as it benefits our family.

You shouldn't take the financial hit by yourself as you're a family. It should be shared equally.

Definitely, see it as family money not his and yours. We have all joint money.

I think you need a conversation with your
partner as to what you going on maternity leave means financially and how it will work because 50/50 can’t work anymore

oogle1 the baby is a joint cost - he isn't supporting you to stay at home for a year any more than you are supporting him to be a father. How much would a full time nanny for a newborn - 12 month old baby cost? Remember that cost would come out of after tax pay.

Staying at home for that year is probably worth about 30k net to you jointly

Once you have a baby together it makes zero sense to think about money separately. It has to be family money because the joint responsibility for the child pervades everything, from needing bigger accommodation to both needing to be home more to build a relationship with your child as well as provide childcare and education.

It is imperative that you and your husband both see things this way - the very idea of you trying to live off 6.5 months maternity pay for 12 months is based on the false premise that you're a line parent or 99% responsible for the fact you've had a baby. This is not the case. If your husband was 99% responsible he'd need to pay you 30k plus out of his net income to care for his baby, plus all your pregnancy related expenses... It's be costing him 40k plus to get this baby to its first birthday.

Obviously the idea of either parent losing out more than the other financially by bringing a mutually wanted baby into a marriage should be a nonsense.

The only way things can go forward without resentment once there's a child involved is for all money to be family money. You both have to get over the "mine" mindset otherwise there will be bitterness and resentment. Don't let him patronise you or think he's supporting you - you are supporting him equally, in the joint wish to be parents.

Thank you everyone, from a money perspective you are all absolutely right that we need to start seeing it all as joint money and ensure we are both contributing fairly based on our earning/time in work!

@Alsohuman you've hit the nail on the head! We've always have a bit of (friendly) competition when it comes to work - like I mentioned before, we started at the same time in the same role and have clear targets, so we were always able to easily compare ourselves! Luckily we always had similar trajectories / success etc, so it never caused issues.. I now feel like I'm about to be out of the loop and fall behind.

HOWEVER, I definitely need to think of the bigger picture.. we'll have a baby soon which is brilliant! After mat leave, I will pick up work where I left off and tbh, I expect my priorities will have changed and all this will seem trivial to me then.

All costs associated with a child are joint.

Please consider total lifetime opportunities/earnings not just the here and now. Fell foul of that myself and tend to bang on about it.

Both your priorities should change - or you’ll end up default parent/family administrator which buffers him up to use all his time/intellect on work furthering the gap.

Men starting a family in some organisations are sometimes given more cash/promotion while women are expected to take the mummy track. Great if that’s what everyone in the equation works but not if you don’t.

Good luck OP.

@CatalogueUniverse what you've described is basically my long term fear - thank you for the advice

BTW - quickest way to get some equality of parenting is for your DH to be off work on leave with the baby when you are working. For at least a month. And you to not helpfully sort anything for the baby/him at all and just go to work and come home doing no more than he did when you were in sole charge.

Look up the mental load and talk to DH about him being an involved Dad and how he thinks things (all the things related to baby and household) should be divided up from the start to make sure you aren’t playing push the load back when you go back to work.

He needs to take an equal share in the thinking and planning as much as the actual doing or you become household manager. It’s terrifyingly easy when on mat leave to take on all sorts of nonsense as you are the one at home and it is the practical choice. It’s a lot harder to resign from bits of it when back at work and the other half has become used to having their family life facilitated.

A much easier plan than catalogue universes (which is otherwise great) suggestion, is any couple trying to maintain two careers need to split the pick up and drop off. If he does pick up you match his efforts meal planning on the weekend and otherwise leave them to it. If he doesn’t feed them a decent meal /snack (depending on nursery) , do bath bed then you don’t take over, you hit the roof that he can’t actually parent his child as they are the absolute basics. Worked for me!