How do you feel about family flying in so soon when newborn is born?

[Mamabear12]

My mom has been at all my dc births and she is coming for the third, which happens to be around Christmas. So now the in laws want to come for xmas and additional family 😳 I feel bad as I should be happy that they all want to come and be around when the baby is born. But whenever the in laws come my dh drives me nuts and we always argue. He acts like the queen of England is visiting! And naturally the added stress of xmas makes me weary. Tbh I just want to focus on newborn and not have to worry about keeping the house clean to the standards when the in laws come. Also, just don’t want so many people in the house! But I feel bad. They will stay in a hotel. But it will still be trouble for me. As they will come to the house to see the kids and dh always whines about the mess etc. And the FIL whines about the plastic toys we own 🙄 plus they love speaking another language I don’t speak and LOUDLY. So basically I’m left out. Dh never defends me or tries to make it easier for me like speaking English when they start speaking their language. So any advice on how to politely say I don’t want all these people coming for xmas? I feel bad, but it just feels like too much stress w a newborn! Baby is due 20 December.

Tell your DH exactly what you've written here - he should be supporting you, as should any visitors. He needs to tell his parents that they can come another time BUT he also needs to step up and do all the cleaning, meal prep etc. His family, his problem.

I'm so on your behalf!

HavelockVetinari I know. It makes me stressed just thinking of it and no he always likes to complain but never help w the cleaning when his family comes. It pisses me off and we always fight about it. When my mum comes no problems. I wonder if there is a way to say it w out hurting their feelings. I kind of feel bad to be like don’t come for xmas. But I know I’ll be miserable if they all do bc of the stress. But my dc would love for all grandparents to be there. Argh. Such a difficult one.

Would inviting your mum to stay around the same time help? If she’ll take on some of the cleaning etc it might make your life a bit easier.

As much as I understand (and sympathise!) about not wanting your in laws coming to visit so soon, it's tricky because you have your mum / family coming. So why shouldn't your husband's family come. It's complicated to try and include one family and not the other.

Not ideal, but I'd make plans to go it alone (just with OH) & say we need space for the first few weeks and would appreciate visitors once things are more settled.

Just go out to see them. Tell your husband house is off limits. Or, he can organise a cleaner to help get everything in order and do all the hosting duties as you are going to sit there and be adored and feted for producing another grandchild!

@SuzieQ10 big difference between one person (OP’s mum) and a whole family though. It would be different if it was just MIL.

OP I think you just have to stand your ground and say it’s too early for big groups of visitors all day and if they insist on coming then compromise on visits to the house at set times/lengths, not too many people and not every day.

SuzieQ10 It’s bc my mother always comes and is at the birth. I find it comforting with her in delivery room as well. When my father was alive he didn’t come. It was only my mom to help us out for 3 weeks, as if my dad came it would have been more stress and work. Also, overcrowding. And of course once we were out of the newborn stage my dad came and the entire family when my ds was 2 months old. They came and we hosted Xmas. It was fine. But the difference was baby was two months old. This year baby will literally be a day or two old when people come 😳 I would still be recovering etc. When my mom comes we don’t need to clean the house etc as my dh doesn’t get all stressed about it. He only gets worked up when his parents come like it’s the queen coming! But I understand that maybe they want to come. It’s very hard decision for me. Like do I please everyone else? And make it hard for me? I just feel like I’ll fragile after the birth and healing etc. And last thing I want is loads of visitors flying in that we feel we need to host. It’s different if everyone lived in the same city and they wanted to see the newborn for an hour visit. But when visiting they would be coming to visit for hours daily. And my dh feels like he has to entertain them w wine, food, helping them etc. When a newborn is here I really need his help! Either w our current 2dc or with the dog! My mum is independent and actually if it were just my MIL coming I would be completely fine w that. But her husband is like another child! With my mum I can just lie in the room and sleep. Which I will probably want to do when I can after giving birth. But for example w in laws I will be expected to come down etc. And normally I wouldn’t mind, but not when I’ve just given birth. That’s my worry. If baby was a month old that would be fine. But the early days you are bleeding, I’m stitched up (always tear). Breasts sore and boobs ginormous as milk comes in. Also, I imagine early days I would like to bond as a family and have it quiet. Not loud w so many people. My sister even told my mom she didn’t want anyone else in her delivery room. My mom accepted this. And she waited month or two to fly in and visit. Arghhh. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just bothering me and on my mind. Not sure what to do.

Pipandmum I have thought about this too, that we could go out to see them, but then again would I want to just after giving birth? I like to keep the newborn in and not take newborn out to pubs or restaurants or hotel to see family. And I highly doubt for myself after giving birth I want to. At least not the first 2-3 days. After a week it would be okay I guess for me. But I get paranoid taking a newborn out to packed place w germs etc. I like to build their immune system slowly first w the house germs first (we have two dc and a dog 😀). I guess it’s also hard to plan as we don’t know when I’ll give birth. But with my first two I was within one day of my due date. So I assume baby will arrive within a day of again.

His family should respect the fact your going to have a newborn and shouldn't put this on you, it would drive me crazy. I'd tell him that it can't happen.

Darkstar4855 I was thinking about this too. But then there is the xmas dilemma. If they are flying in for xmas and to see baby, it’s hard to say only for 1-2 hours max. And I can’t limit people for xmas. I don’t want to host, but then I also worry about having to go to a pub or restaurant as I have no idea when I’ll give birth. If I give birth a day before last thing I want is to go out for it.

It just makes it much complicated for a big group. As you feel more obliged. If it were just MIL that would def be a lot easier and I could accept that. I think I will suggest they all come at a later date. I will say we feel too stressed about a big crowd during xmas. And this way the rest of the family can spend xmas w the in-laws. As if it were just in laws coming the other family would be alone. Maybe that is the solution.

Thing is, you don't know when you will go into labour. You may not have even given birth by the time Christmas comes round. You may go into labour on Christmas day, or you could go 2 weeks overdue, or you could even be admitted to hospital over christmas.

I would say no to Christmas on those grounds and just say you will organise a family get together after the baby has been born

I totally understand this OP! I live overseas in DH's home country and its stressing me out thinking about when my family will come and visit. His family is fine, they'll just come for a few hours and then leave, I won't feel obliged to do anything because we see them all the time..

But my family, they're obviously all keen to see the baby immediately but tbh I would prefer them to come later once I'm feeling better, once we've got into a routine and once DH and I have had a chance to bond as a family of three before he has to go back to work. Then I can actually enjoy spending time with them. It's hard to broach the topic though. We don't celebrate Christmas here so at least I don't have that to contend with!

My main points which I'll tell my family are:

• you never know when the baby is going to be born so booking flights too early would be a disaster if the baby didn't arrive on time or if there were any complications and me and/or baby ended up in hospital for a while

• we're having a big party for her one month birthday (cultural celebration) and it would be nice for them to be able to come to that

It's hard though, I wish we all lived in the same place and then it would be easier.

Say a firm "NO"! You need to rest after having a baby and if people are flying in from another country they are likely to want to be with you most of the time. I hope they were not planning on staying at your house!

Kinsters Yes same here! Would be easier as when people travel in you feel like you have to see them all the time.

Rachelover40 They usually stay with us, but this time if they come they won’t, as my mom will be with us so no room! I will be converting the guest room to the new babies room 😀 my mom will stay in the other spare room while au pair is gone. So no beds for additional people. But this is okay as once when everyone came for xmas, all the grandparents stayed in a hotel and BIL stayed w us. Everyone was fine w this. But that xmas my ds was 2 months so it was much easier. As we already had a rhythm going, I recovered for birth etc.

I hope this little one arrives 18 December as I get nervous the closer to xmas. As even if everyone doesn’t come I want to be able to make it nice for the kids. I’m debating what to do. For example if I give birth 24/25. How to make xmas special for my two older kids (5 and 7). Although, I’m sure baby arriving will be plenty exciting for them 😀

No way I would have people coming over!
No way.
However I disagree with this plus they love speaking another language I don’t speak and LOUDLY. So basically I’m left out. Dh never defends me or tries to make it easier for me like speaking English when they start speaking their language.
It is weird for me to speak English to my family and it is fantastic for the children and you to be exposed to the language.

Don't your children speak it? That is a shame. My DH encourages that I only speak to my son in my language for his benefit.
Plus your mum will be there?

I personally would not.

clottedcreamoverjam The reason I get annoyed is bc he did not want to teach them. Early on I put so much effort. I found a nanny to work 15 hours a week to speak the language to the dc (which wasn’t easy as it’s not a common language). I bought loads of books, music and dvds in the language and after a year my dh still refused to speak even just the basics to the dc in his language. I spoke to them more in the language!!! So I decided if he wouldn’t help or bother, why should I? I switched the language to French, sent them to a bilingual school and they are 100 percent fluent in french. Much easier for them to learn as a lot more resources and exposure. The other language is impossible to learn with out a native speaker living in the house making an effort. My dh would not Even encourage them to say please or thank you in his language! He literally did not care. So yes; I think it’s rude at the dinner table to speak the language when they all speak English. My kids have expressed interest in learning, but he doesn’t make any effort still and they won’t learn by them just speaking quickly for an hour at the table a few times a year 🙄 if he did make an effort w the language I would of course encourage it. In fact that’s what happens in our house with our French au pair. At the dinner table they speak French to her and she speaks French to them. I encourage it Even if I can’t speak it fluently.

My dd was due Christmas Eve. Ils still insisted on coming - and I was expected to cook. Nothing mil made was anywhere near edible.
Sheer willpower held her in there!!
Arrived New Year's Eve instead!.
Have dm over for Christmas , tell ils you will do New Year with them.
They are all ridiculous expecting you to host + do festivities!

Sunburntnoseandears I am planning to send dh and the dc off to my sisters house in the mountains for skiing for New Years. We do this every year (except I’m usually there with my mum) I thought it would be better for them to have a little holiday fun, as after a week or so w baby they will probably want to do some activities etc. But maybe I could send them to visit the in laws instead. Or just have the in laws come a month later. Hmm.